If someone told me when I joined a fraternity, it meant I was destined to have a college life of one-night stands and unbearable headaches. If someone told me fraternity life meant I would run into a bunch of women where we don’t care about each other, we are just there for our bodies. I wouldn’t have signed that dotted line and started paying my dues. I had this realization when I woke up this morning with a hangover, and a gorgeous girl in my bed, she had blonde hair and blueish-grey eyes. But who was she?
As I got dressed in my sweatpants and shirt on the floor. I started to drink from the water bottle on my dresser to calm the pounding drums in my head. Looking at the floor next to her jeans and panties was her ID poking out of her back pocket. I reached down and pulled the card out.
Oh that’s right, this was Sarah the captain of the swim team on campus. She had a great sense of humor, but it’s a shame we have very different plans for our lives.
Sarah is a marine biology major, and she loves learning and discussing aquatic life. However, she doesn't just want to work with fish. Sarah wants to be a fish—a starfish, to be exact.
Last night, we’d been drinking in my room of the fraternity house, just talking and goofing around until the conversation got only as intense as two sloshed college students could make it.
“Ever since I was a child, I’ve always wanted to be a starfish. They are so cool they just lay there and bask in the sun without a care in the world. Truly what else could you want out of life.” Sarah said with her eyes sparkling and a smile that held each of her ear lobes.
“Well, what about starting a family, doing fulfilling work…” I started to say, but then the smile slowly started to slowly recede. “But laying on some beach pretty much trumps them all.” Then just like a rubber band the smile snapped back onto her face.
“As a kid I would lay on the ground spread out like a star and just lay there staring at the sky. It didn’t matter where it was, whether it was in the living room while mom was vacuuming, on the kitchen floor with a full belly, or in the store while we were waiting for checkout. It was glorious.” There was a playful tone as she talked.
“What age did your parents tell you to stop?” I said.
“I still do it as an adult when in bed or have like a mental breakdown. But my parents put a stop to it during a blizzard. I would get dressed in my over-sized snow coat, put on my pink puffy snow boots, then run into the winter wonderland outside my front door. Instead of making snow angels, I would create a single snow star. I’d lay in the snow, spread out like a star, and lay there for hours. Most of the time one of my parents would come out after realizing I hadn’t changed spots for a while. They’d pick me up and then bring me inside and wake me up with some hot coco.”
Sarah took a sip of her beet and then continued “One night there was a severe blizzard and my dad told me that I was not allowed to go out and make snow starfish because it’s too dangerous. But I was rebellious, I snuck out and made my snow star. The snow had really piled on before my parents noticed that was gone and they were mortified. They tried, searched desperately and looked all over the house to find me. Then they checked the back yard the front yard just to find me. With no other choice they called the police. As they were giving the police my profile for an amber alert, I walked into the house sneezing from the cold.”
“Where were you?”
Sarah giggled “I was right outside the front door. My parents that night my parents told me I was no longer allowed to be a starfish.”
“Damn that sucks, they didn’t even allow you to do it at home?” I said taking a sip of my beer.
“Nope, it was probably for the better though. After they started the ban, I got sick a lot less.” Sarah said chuckling.
I had every intention of telling her that it was impossible for her to become a starfish, and she should just study them instead. But we’d already started kissing, and I couldn’t bring myself to ruin the mood. With that said, I do have to give credit where credit is due, Sarah was not kidding when she said she becomes a starfish in bed.
I looked down at her sleeping in the shape of a star, I realized there’s no way this is my wife. I walked over and picked up the trash can and put it to my face. Taking both my fingers, I shoved them down my throat forcing myself to puke.
I must have shoved too hard because when I turned back to Sarah she was sitting up on the bed, there was a mixture of sleep and confusion across her face. “I’m sorry Sarah I don’t think this is going to work. I think you are starting to transform into a fish.” I pretended to gag to keep the charade up “I am extremely allergic to fish, and I think you have become part fish. Don’t blame yourself. You’re wonderful and extremely beautiful, but I’ve been cursed with this awful allergy. So, what I am trying to say is…I think you should go off and find sponge…I mean the perfect merman to compliment your aquatic lifestyle.”
It goes without saying that Sarah did not take this news very well. Immediately Sarah took to her star position now in the middle of the bed and began to weep. “Can’t you just like go to the doctors and take like a pill? I’m lactose intolerant and that’s what I do.”
“No, I’ve tried that before. My cousin’s father is well known for his grilled catfish. I tried it once and I almost died.” I said then held my mouth pretending not to puke.
“But…But… Ron you’re the person I’ve been searching for, we can overcome this! There has to be some way we can still be together.” Sarah started to weep louder on the bed. Tears and snot were streaming down her face. It was really not the reaction you would expect from someone you’ve only known for a few hours. This was probably the best solution before she got too attached.
I walked over to my desk and started to look at my to-do list for the day. Today is Sunday and it looks like the only thing I have to do today is study for my exam on Monday. I should probably get this girl out of here or she will spend the whole day crying in my bed.
Being one of the head brothers of the fraternity, I was able to instruct pledges to do my bidding. Downstairs I saw four pledges eating breakfast. “Hey guys. I just need a quick favor when you are finished could you guys pick up the bed and take her to her room?”
“Sure, no problem, Ron” one of the little brothers said. They quickly stuffed their faces and then started to walk upstairs.
“Also, if you don’t mind could you wait until she’s in her dorm. Then when she is safe inside, wash the sheets. I have an exam tomorrow and sleeping on her tears would keep me up all night.” I said walking behind them.
I must give them credit; I would have declined and opted for another fraternity. But they did as they were told and carried her off on top of the bed. Theta Gamma Zeta Kai found some loyal pledges at this past rush. Before I walked in the room, they were already carrying the bed out with a weeping Sarah on top.
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