Each time I close my eyes at night, I meet this boy who I cannot resist. This dream began since I was a little girl. I liked him so much that I promised to marry him when I grow up. He promised to marry me too, and we sealed it with a blood oath. I told my grandmother that I met a boy in my dream. But I cannot recall his face or name. All I remembered were my powerful emotions for him.

She had a spiritual definition for these dreams of mine. She called them visitations from my spiritual husband. In my culture, your relationship or marriage life is heading for doom once you have a spiritual husband. Relationships and marriages would collapse because of trivial misunderstandings, and the couple never understands why they let their relationship crash.

The spirit husband opposes your attempts to fall in love with anyone else. Misfortunes await you at every turn as long as he is in your life. Most of the women in my family encounter spiritual husbands than most because we can communicate with spirits. She said I needed an exorcism to get rid of the evil spirit I promised myself to, or he would destroy my future.

I recall she began saying incantations and bathing me with extra virgin coconut oil. She also mandated that I break up with him if he appears in my dream again. I lied to grandma that I did as she instructed. I used to look forward to my dreams because my nights were more exciting than my day. He began making love to me from the night I turned 18. He makes love to me every night, but I am alone in my bed when I wake up. He left wanting companionship that does not end when I open my eyes every morning.

Grandma warned me of the repercussions of him being there in my dreams. She was right. Each time I begin a new relationship, confusion sets in without explanation, and it ends. I am at the point where my dreams have become nightmares. I am so powerless that I allow this boy to get between my legs with me, even though I no longer desired to make love to him. How do I end this nightmare?

I had only one goal when I went to bed last night. I must end it with him. He showed up, looking more handsome than I ever could imagine him to be. I forced myself to remember how miserable he had caused my actual life to be. I gathered my willpower and strength and pushed him off me.

“Why did you push me away?” He asked me.

“I am sick and tired of this. You are not real. You are just a spirit who stole my life from me since I was a child. You come to me and make me promise to love you, but you are never beside me when I awake. Nothing works out for me because of my commitment to you. Please stop invading my nights. I want you to stop coming into my dreams.”

“Are you trying to leave me? How can you do that to me knowing how much I love you?”

“I love you, but you only bring me misfortune and hurt. I want this to end. I want to be happy.”

“Do you think you are the only one suffering? Do you think I do not hurt when I wake up without you beside me? Nothing works out for me in the actual world too. I will rather suffer with you in my life than lose you. You are my only cause of joy.”

“I am sorry, but I cannot do this anymore. It is unfair to us. I cannot find you because I do not remember you when I wake up, and neither can I remember your name. You have you cannot remember who I am when you awake from your dreams. It proves what we have is evil.”

“Please do not give up on me. Give me more time. I will try my best to remember your name when I wake up, and I will find you.”

“You have been saying that since I met you, but here we are. I can’t do this anymore. I deserve love from my world, just as you do. Goodbye.”

“No! I won’t let you leave me. I cannot live without you. Please do not leave me.”

“Goodbye. I wish you a lifetime of happiness just as I wish for myself.”

I ran from him, and he chased me through deserts, oceans, and mountains until I am on the cliff of the tallest mountain. I will fall if I take another step.

“Stop chasing me, or I will jump.”

“You hate me that much? You will willingly die than be with me?”

“That is right. I rather die than continue this way.”

“Jump then. We will die together.”

I screamed as he closed the space between us and drew me away from the cliff. His lips latched onto mine, and I tried to fight him off me, but he pushed me to the ground and climbed above me, pinning both hands above me. There is no question about this. I cannot allow him to make love to me. Never again. “Stop. I said I don’t want to make love to you anymore. Please stop.” I screamed at the top of my lungs. He tried to pry my bra open, and I shoved him.

My baby’s cry jolted to consciousness as she fought to latch onto my breast, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Oh, you are trying to feed. I am sorry for pushing you away, my love.”

I helped her out by pushing it into her mouth, and she latched. My milk supply is almost nonexistent. It is a problem I developed a week after childbirth. They admitted me to the hospital for a severe intestinal ulcer, and my milk supply ceased after the aggressive treatments. The doctor said it was an adverse reaction to a medication. The milk supply resumes sometimes and may last for a day before it ceases again. That does not stop my baby from trying to suck. It is like a treasure hunt for her.

Everywhere is dark except for the blue notification light emanating from my phone. I check the time, and it is just 12.56. This discovery frustrates me because another long night has begun. My daily routine since childbirth is taking a toll on me, physically and mentally. I wake up at 6 am to do all the chores. She awakes between 7 to 8 am to feed, and her bath follows immediately. She takes her morning nap, and I have time to eat and make lunch. I’d pray for her to sleep a little longer before she wakes up and goes full ninja on me for the rest of the day. Of course, those prayers God never answers my prayers. So I change diapers, give her baths, feed both of us, sing and dance around the house. We watch Shrek for the ten millionth time until we fall asleep. She wakes me up at midnight, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep for the rest of the night.

I have been alone since the early stages of my pregnancy in my small two-bedroom apartment. It is in a compound with beautiful green vegetation surrounding us. Almost like you live in the woods. The owner loved nature and preserved it only for that purpose. He bought it a long time ago, but couldn’t decide what to do with it, so he put a gate around it and built a two-bedroom house. I moved to this little town at the end of Borya Kingdom after things ended with the father of my child. I didn’t want to cause any pain to my family by denting their prestigious image, and they didn’t want me to leave the kingdom entirely because they wanted to monitor me. We settled for the farthest place from them.

My father comes to check on us once a month, and my sisters try to keep in touch as much as they can, but work keeps them busy. I don’t want to become a burden to them so; I keep to myself. But it has become difficult living alone while nursing my baby. I can’t complain because one glance at my daughter, and it is all worth it. So I try as much as I can and carry on. But the loneliness and the lack of anyone to talk to is getting to me. Day by day, I become lonelier. I crave severely for company and adult conversations.

Have you ever been so lonely that you would do anything for a company? Have you ever pre-recorded voice notes to talk back at it and pretend you were having a conversation with someone? Crazy, I know. It is difficult when your only source of communication and companionship is a toddler and a noisy and out-of-control donkey each time we watched Shrek for the one-millionth time. It has kept me going for a while, but it no longer excites me. I am in this space where my night is no better than my day. I hate peeling my eyes open each morning because it signals the beginning of another empty day. I am at the edge of the cliff, and I feel as if I might jump if I do nothing about it. All I want is to find anyone out there who will help me crave being alive. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and checked through the list of dating apps. I read reviews and downloaded the one whose creator bragged about being the best at connecting the world. Do not judge me. You should know that desperate times call for desperate measures.