Winter

The snow was always positive for me. I loved winter. I always had. The snow was white and pure, and it blanketed so much with the promise that when it melted, the flowers would pop up and show the beauty of spring, the coming summer, fall, and again the renewal of winter.

“Nikki, please keep your eyes on the road, darling. There is no need to worry about getting there on time. We’ve got more snow this year than ever before.” Nonna said, her bright smiling filling me with love and joy, that I hadn’t known from anyone other than my mother.

In my eighteenth year, my family grew. I had so much more family now than every before, A daughter, my mother, cousin’s, an older brother and his lover, and my amazing grandmother who treated me like she had known me from birth.

“I got it. I’m being careful, Nonna.”

“Just because you are being careful doesn’t mean others are,” she said, sighing as a large farm truck passed us doing double my speed, and I honestly didn’t know how the driver had the nuts to drive like that. I sure as hell didn’t. “People like that, I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either, but then I can’t say I have always driven smartly either, but in this weather I would never. I have a family that I want to come home to.” I said, turning onto the minor highway, on the way to pick up my mother.

The highway was in piss poor conditions, and just pulling out onto the road had my car sliding, even with the winter tires I had shelled out a fortune for. The road conditions were deteriorating with every ten feet I drove, and I debated if this was even a good idea anymore.

“Text my mom and tell her we might not be able to come get her if the weather gets any worse. I don’t think drive in this is smart.” I voiced, and Nonna shook her head.

“No, we promised we would pick up your mother for dinner, and we will do that, even if we have to slow right down. We have time.” She said and picked up my phone. In the time that it took her to type the message, the highway had become a blizzard, and I hated to even think it, but I was gripping the wheel incredibly uncomfortable driving.

“There, I sent your mother a message telling her we are still coming. We might be a little later. But not to worry about it, we would get there.”

I slowed down carefully, and kept my speed about thirty kilometres per hour, and flicked on my high beams. She looked out her window and pointed out a few deer in a field, but I couldn’t actually look at them, so I just nodded. She was looking out the front window, the same as I was now.

“Would you look at that? We aren’t the only ones on the highway.” She said, and she looked out my side window, and I caught the look of something in her eyes, and her voice was like glass as she yelled. “Dear god, Nikki look out----”

The sensation of being rolled down the highway was more powerful than the headlights and the sound of metal crunching. The cold poured into every single shattered window, and snow I saw now, as I dangled in my seat, upside was not that pure white.

Fear shot through me, and I reached for Nonna. She lay there with so much as a movement of her breathing, and I panicked. Blood was everywhere, we both were bleeding, and I had for sure hit my head on the steering wheel.

Somewhere inside of me, I knew.

I knew she was gone.

But I couldn’t accept that. I just couldn’t. But I had seen enough lifeless bodies to know. Clicking my release on the seatbelt, I fell to the roof into the glass, and the pain of that felt like nothing. I really didn’t even feel it.

Crawling out my window, I stumbled to the other side of the car. Kicking the remaining glass out of the side window, I got down, even with the splitting headache I had. I reached up into the car and hit the release on Nonna’s buckle. I tried to shield her from hitting anything as she fell, but it was nearly impossible. Pulling her out into the snow. It felt so wrong, but I had to. I needed to make sure. Pressing my fingers to her throat now away from the car, there was nothing. Dropping onto my butt in the snow, I looked at her face and reached out, covering her eyes with my hand.

My ribs and my head were killing me, but I couldn’t think of doing anything else than just sitting here with her until someone came for us.

Someone who had seen the accident called it in and the paramedics and police came, but everything just seemed so colourless as I watched what was going on. They took the statement of the driver of the semi truck that had plowed into me, and the only thing I wanted was to make him pay. I wanted him to die, too.

Against my wishes, they took Nonna away, and loaded me into the other ambulance that came. The time in the ambulance felt antagonizing. After they wheeled me into the hospital and into the er, they asked for details and information I just couldn’t give them.

Time seemed to do flips, and I honestly just wanted to hide. Tears streamed down my face, as I could only think about how this was all my fault.

Sneaking out of the hospital wasn’t the ideal situation, but I couldn’t face anyone they called for either of us. Nonna was dead because of me.

That alone was enough to send me running. My ribs cried out, and my head was pounding. I could almost hear Alessio screaming at me about how stupid I was being right now, and to go back for treatment.

The cold bit at my skin as I stumbled through the snow. Anywhere away from that hospital was good for me, but honestly, where the hell was I going to go?

Luck was not on my side, it never had been, but my luck had to be even worse now. Alessio, Creed and Lukas’ vehicles all drove by me, no doubt on the way to the hospital now. I knew what they drove at a glance.

Running away was stupid, I knew it, but fuck how could I utter the words, ‘I’m sorry I killed our grandmother,’ I couldn’t fucking do it. I would rather just hide.

“Nikki!”

I knew this voice, god; I knew it well. My older brother, Alexi.

Running, I knew that wouldn’t shake him, and even as he caught up with me and grabbed me, I struggled in his grip.

“Christ. Look at you.” He yelled, and his eyes narrowed on me. “Why are you leaving the hospital? Nonna needs-----”

“Nonna is dead! I fucking killed her Alexi. I killed her….” I screamed, my words turning into sobs as I fully collapsed into the snow at his feet. His eyes scanned over, and as he processed his emotions.

Anger gripped his face, and he yanked me off the ground and he didn’t spare me. He pulled me with him as he stomped back to the hospital, and Creed was waiting outside the hospital by their car, a grim look on his face.

“Creed. Take him inside.” Alexi demanded, and Creed hesitated. But Alexi waved him off. “I’ll be inside in a few minutes.”

Creed didn’t grab me; he didn’t have to. I knew there was no way I could get away from this wall of a man. Andrei sat in the hall, his head in his hands, and Lukas was telling him words of comfort. I was sure of it.

Against my will, Creed made sure the doctor looked over at me, but anything more than that, I refused. Alexi had joined the rest of them inside. I could hear him speaking. The doctor in the room grew frustrated with me and left the room. Alessio picked the chart of the door and flipped through it. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and his eyes showed he had cried too.

“Nikki, they are suspecting broken ribs and a possible concussion. You need to let them do their job and-----”

“Just let me go home.” I mumbled, unable to actually meet Alessio’s eyes.

“Nikki, they said it was a tragic accident----”

“No!” I screamed, and tears flowed down my face freely. The action of crying felt like breathing through a few feet of concrete because of my ribs. “Just let me go home!” I screamed again, and that had too many people coming into the room.

The doctor popped up again and Alessio shot Creed a look as he went out to the hallway. No doubt to speak to the doctor. Matteo and Caio showed up late, and the sound of Matteo crying out in pain was enough the drive the guilt even deeper inside me.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Creed said suddenly, and I looked up at him.

“But it was my fault. I was driving if I had just turned around like I wanted to….” I cried, choking on the very air I was trying to breathe.

After another hour of being in pain, and refusing to let anyone touch me, Alexi came into the room and demanded I get up. He was going to take me home.