"Tick, Tick, Tick,"
A boy staring at the clock aimlessly.
"30 minutes left until the class is over, what should I do when I get home?"
Looking at the clock while grumbling. A sudden unwanted memory came through his mind.
His head was flooded with a silhouette of a man saying those words in a hostile manners.
"Do you want to get beaten again?!"
"You didn't even put any effort! Don't lie!"
"You won't understand adult matters!"
"I'm leaving this house."
Soon after, it changed to a silhouette of a woman pouring those words with a sorrowful tones.
"You and your father are no different."
"If only you did something at that time."
"You are such a burden..."
"I wish you didn't exist."...
"—dent Kim!" I jolted upright my seat by the booming voice, only to see that everyone in the room had their eyes on me.
I think I'm in a really bad position right now.
"Are you not feeling well, student Kim?" The teacher asked, her expression was more of irritation than concern.
I shifted in my seat. "N- no, not really"
"Please pay more attention to my class. Just because the class is almost over, doesn't mean you can—"
The school alarm rang, indicates the class is over. Ignoring the teacher I began packing up my stuff.
The teacher dismissed their class while students hurrying cleaning up their belongings, preparing to leave.
Exchanges between students can be heard over the school hall as the students walks, making their way outside.
"What day was today again?" I muttered.
"Ughh, I hate it when I got lost track of things again..." Scratching my head.
Honestly, why am I getting more bad habits lately.
Lately, I've been doing some researches on the internet about my behaviours that I found strange.
Well, it's not like I don't understand it myself. I just needed some confirmation.
The result says that I am suffering from stresses and depression.
Considering what happened to me until now, it's not really surprising.
Moreover, it’s only been 2 months since I started my high school life. I’m worried about my mental health.
I was once a cheerful and lively kid but everything changed, after I graduated from primary school.
Back then, my father and mother always argued over something that I can’t understand.
Everyday, hearing them shouting inside the house, only brings me fear.
I was only a kid, I didn't wanted or wished to know, so I hid inside my room all the time.
It was a very complicated matter, but gradually, I grew up putting all the puzzle together.
Even after knowing it, it didn't give me a huge impact, since my relationship with my father is just a matter of a title.
But what made me wanted them to stop was because they started to draw me into their mess.
My father and mother forced me into believing who's right and who's wrong.
Since they both are my parent, of course they don't want my opinion about who I think are in the wrong.
In my eyes, both of them are simply immature children that don't know how to handle things efficiently.
Spreading rumours among the people about their private stuff only to let people know that they're in the right or to embarrass the other side for what they did, it doesn't even need a gifted kid to tell that they're stupid.
But in spite of that, my head was filled with with fears of not wanting to get abandoned.
So I lied when either of them asked me who I'm siding with, I will tell them I'm with either of them while stabbing the other side's back.
Living my life with full of lie, convincing myself that it was the safest escape route.
But that soon put into a stop when they got divorced.
After that, my father left us and I was somehow glad.
I still remember all the things my father has done to me.
Ever since I was a kid, if something did not go my father way, he would beat me to a pulp to vent his anger until he feels satisfied.
And because of that, I got countless of life traumas from him.
With that in mind, I thought I will continue my life normally after my father left, but things always go to the opposite way.
Every moment I encounter with my mother at home, she would always say something regretful, about why I didn't do any better back then or how she wanted to leave this house, casting us behind.
As depressing as it may, I put up with that every single day, hoping that everything will be going back like normal.
But that thought perished like ashes.
Just after I thought my life was about to be normal back, my divorced parent began demanding each other in the court.
Both of them began to draw me into their mess again.
Everyday, I was forced to follow either of them to the court to be a witness or testament.
Both my father and mother threaten me to pick either of their side.
Both of them has said one thing in common, "This is for your justice."
It was a living hell, since I was having a hard time picking a side.
It feels as if my body was going to be teared apart.
Was it really for my justice?
Or they were just using me to win in the case they got charged in?
It repeated over and over and until it reached to the point, I got exhausted with it.
I started avoiding them.
I locked up in my room every single time I got the chance to avoid meeting with them.
I was too afraid of getting involved.
And just like that, days goes on without counting.
Without realising, I began to neglect everything.
I began to neglect my school, family, and even, people.
I've became one hell of a mess.
"Why was I even born to begin with." I said bitterly.
Saying that, I arrived at my home front door.
As I was carefully opening the door so that it will not creak, my little brother ended up noticing me instead.
"Welcome back home, brother Kim." he said.
"I'm home." I replied.
Home my ass.
I thought while looking at the living room.
What a depressing room.
As I was staring for a while, I immediately remembered the time when I got beatings from my father in this room.
My chest suddenly felt like something pierced into it and my breaths become tense.
This always happen when I flashed back to any of my traumatic events.
It feels like I can't stand properly no more and I quickly hold onto the wall.
"What's the matter?" My little brother noticed my weird behaviour.
Ignoring him, I slowly walked to the upstair.
I don't like living in this house.
There's still left some unpleasant memories I got from my father.
Going to my room, I took off my school bag and began to change my school uniform.
"Ahhh.. I'm back my divine bed." I said while drowning my face into the pillow.
Nothing in this world beats this godly bed of mine!
Why you asked?
Because it was the only thing stayed behind during my darkest moment.
As I was busying cuddling with the cotton-made stuff, heart beats can be heard inside my eardrum.
It has been a while since I've last heard this sound.
Was it 7 months ago when I began to hear this unusual pulse?
We did met a doctor back then and they said It's only because my blood is flowing quickly that it cause to make noises. It was not an issue to worry about but I doubt that I feel the same.
Sometimes when I'm about to sleep, I can hear weird voice coming out.
And when I tried to search where the weird voice came from, I failed to find it every time.
As I keep pondering at that time, I thought I was crazy for thinking that the voice came out from my actual head itself.
It sounded as if someone was screaming in a language that I don't recognise.
As absurd as it sounds, my heart pulse fastened every single time the voice appears.
Ugh, talk about creepy.
Though, this time I don't hear anyone screaming.
Maybe it's a normal one this time.
Let's hope that it was the case~
A cats fight can be heard on the rooftop outside.
"Are those cats at it again? It's getting annoying. Why can't they let me have my moment?" I grumbled.
Suddenly, I felt a weird liquid running through on my pillow.
It has a weird sensation and the smell was quite familiar.
As I take off my face from the pillow. I was completely dumbstruck from what i saw.
There is blood...?
Is it nosebleeds?
But can nosebleeds resulted in this much blood?
As I was panicking, the blood seems like it was not stopping anytime soon and I quickly rushed to the bathroom.
Trying to stop the bleed with my right hand, I opened the bathroom door and let the blood fall down in the sink.
Slowly, I looked up at the mirror.
"Huh... ?" I stuttered.
Slowly, I rubbed my mouth and at that moment, I realised.
The blood which I thought was coming from nosebleed was not the problem.
My face paled as I keep staring at the source of the blood.
It was leaking from my mouth.
Later on, my chest felt like there was something trying to make it way out.
My head starting to hurt.
An overwhelming dizziness.
I started to throw up.
blood which was already leaking from my mouth starting to pour even more. And a pile more blood going out from my mouth as i was throwing out blood.
"Hey what is up with the loud noise upstair?" My mom asked from downstair, noticing the ruckus I made.
"Uhh, nothing mom! there's a really weird cockroach in the bathroom." I answered.
"Are you sure?" She replied with a worrisome tone.
"Yeah so don—"
While thinking of an excuse to not let my mom get in the bathroom, my conscious immediately fade, slamming me to the floor. . .
"Be careful, don't treat the kid's body too roughly, he's frail after all!"
Huh... Where... ?
"Okay we're going to start in 3, 2, 1, go!—"
"He is still not waking up!"
Why is it so dark here... ?
—"Ware XXX ka kitas XXX—!"
Wait a minute, I think I've heard that somewhere...
My eardrum rings making a sound wave.
I opened my eyes just to see a bright ceiling. As I was trying to narrow my eye, I saw a person... crying?
Huh isn't that my mother and younger brother?
Ugh... my mind is still hazy... what's happening?
"Mom! Look! Kim has opened his eyes!" My younger brother shouted as if trying to convince something.
"Oh my god!" My mom stuttered like she has seen a ghost.
As she was getting closer to me, she began to stroke my head and whispered. "It's alright dear... everything is going just fine. You're going to be okay..." While wiping her tears.
Despite not knowing the situation completely, my tear began to dwell up as well. Maybe because it has been so long since my mother has said something caring.
All of sudden, a ruckus can be heard from the outside. The voices sounded like the workers is trying to strict someone from entering.
The door slammed, and that bast— my father face can be seen.
The second after I saw his face, every little trauma I got from him began to appear.
"Look, your friends grade are far better than yours!" He slammed me to the wall.
"You didn't even try! You useless child!" He scattered a bunch of papers to my face.
"If this case continued into your mother favour, expect the house you living in to tear down any sooner."
Looks like he was searching for someone. Soon after he saw me, a remorseful expression formed on his face.
Your son just fell into a sickness now that you wanted to make that face huh.
My father approached me and says "I'm sorry son... I'm sorry..." as he keeps repeating the same word, he asked the doctor "isn't there really no other way to save him?" in a begging tone.
"Please wait a moment sir. Our staff is still trying to figure out the cause of this."
Before long, the room door opened and another doctor entered.
The doctor take a deep breath and said "This heart problem is still not identified. From my earlier test it looks like this sickness has not yet been discovered until now, meaning that theres no medications or methods that can help. We're very sorry." trying to be in a calm posture.
Doesn't that basically mean I'm dying?
After the doctor declared that.
Everyone in the room was making a hard face and was staring painfully at me.
Now now... Even if I'm at my death bed I still can't handle so many stares at once you know.
My family began stroking my body while saying something.
I can't quite hear what they were saying.
Have my hearing sense goes numb?
Still, dying... huh.
I always wished for it everyday I woke up.
It was my biggest wish since I didn't like the idea of growing up.
Looking at my family condition, which child would want to grow up?
It was my biggest wish so...
Why do I feel a little sad?
Up until now, all I had done was running away from my own problems.
Maybe if I did something, everything was going to turns out different?
Maybe, instead of avoiding my family, I could've done something?
When did everything even started to become like this?
All I ever wanted was to have a normal life.
A normal family.
Ah... I hate this...
If only I can turn all of this over again...
Regrets began to appear one by one. As my eyes began to shed tears.
My consciousness started to fade a little by little.
Guess it can't be helped huh. Im dying now after all. . .
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