you know when people say,

"It takes only one person to change the world." 

well I don't believe that, i'm one person and cant even change myself, let alone the whole world. I'd like to believe I can. Sometimes I wish there was an off button that switches and makes me happy again instead of me trying to find it. 

Why can't I be found? 

Why can't I immediately have motivation to try, not feeling like I want everyday to end so badly just for it to start again. and again, and again...

I hate being the person who sucks just to suck, little friends, no life, just her and her guilt of life weighing on her. constantly walking to the mirror back and fourth, making faces hoping one would stick at least it wouldn't be my own. pinching and grabbing at the loose skin I have wondering why it's there and not gone, like the other girls I see pass with a bright smile on their face,

as if they have life figured out and joy pressed onto their perfect bodies. the same girls with a group of friends and a life to depend on. a family you can frame with screws pushed back into their perfect wallpaper aligning their perfect staircase with the most perfect frame trapped inside a perfect home.

then I wonder if they also go to bed and wonder the same thing. Is it all worth it? I walk the halls of a school filled with the stench of dread every step I take feels like a fever dream filled with; yellow, blue, white and a bright shining light blinding my eyes everywhere I go. 

My head turning side to side wondering what these people could possibly be thinking, so early in the morning. I wonder if they're happier than I am. 

Sometimes when I walk those halls these thoughts go through my mind. The audacity I have to be walking these halls might seem to amaze these people. The audacity I have to even grace their presence or look into these people's eyes. the GULL. oh whatever it's not like Eric liking lacy contributes to this messed up cruel world. Sometimes I just want to shrug and walk off a cliff. not to die of course it's just, the principle of it seems to be so satisfying. 

someday. I'm joking. I'm happy. for a while... until I am not when does it get better? 

I will be happy someday. I know it. at least that's what I'm taught until that day comes.

Do you recognize that numbing feeling when you realize nothing will be the same ever again? That's how I feel everyday, like a light switch. Nobody in this world can fill that hole or make you happy with no amount of money, food. Just nothing. 

I think that's one of the worst feelings in the world. AT LEAST that's how I feel especially after losing HIM. Joshua, the love of my life, my first love, the one with all my firsts. The key to my heart. or at least that's what I'd like to think. But everything good needs to end eventually, I guess our story just ended sooner than I thought.

I've never felt the pain of losing another or at least I thought I did. Until the night it happened. My phone pinged my heart and hit the floor, my stomach feeling like it dropped outside my body. As I read the dreadful text, I prayed it was a dream. oh how badly I wanted to just wake up; 

"We should break up." 

Panicked, those words replay in my mind. 

"We should break up," 

"We should break up." 

We. Should. Break. Up. 

No pain could amount to the pain you feel when you hear those words from someone you prayed you wouldn't lose, someone you worried so much about losing you ended up self sabotaging yourself. I guess this is all my fault. Knowing he said he; "had" to leave me made me feel horrible. If I could've been better or changed faster maybe he wouldn't; "have" to leave. 

I stayed curled, clutching my stomach as the world around me slowed and my head began to grow dizzy. 

my brain disconnects from reality placing me in a loop of physical and emotional pain. I tried sobbing as silently as I could, tears wouldn't stop rolling down my face. I began punching up and down on my mattress so angry at myself for letting him go, there was nothing that could've been done, I tried my hardest. months go by, months without him but the pain slowly fades as if he was never here at all. we have grown.

I wasn't able to grow attached to anyone else the same again. I felt passionate with him, but without him I felt stuck in an endless void. Jogging!

but then it eventually became easier, I slowly forgot about him, I forgot his smell, his touch, everything I loved about him, I forgot. I never thought I could accept the fact we weren't together anymore. but I did, deep down I knew everything was going to be okay. 

I haven't been to school for days, I hated school even though I was top of the class that didn't matter. People think they know who I am; quiet, little miss goody two-shoes. I also hate home but I thought it would be worth it if I didn't have to go to school in the meantime. I can easily catch up.

As I'm mindlessly scrolling my phone out of boredom I decide to get up and take a walk, I scatter in my room to go find my shoes, I find one lying beneath my bed and another lying at the end of it. as I'm putting my shoes on my phone lights up with a ding. I scatter to find my glasses on my nightstand beside my bed.

It's my best friend Claire, we both attend different schools, I transferred after an "incident."

I opened her message

"EMERGENCY."

I know full well that it's not a real life emergency. 

"What is it this time Claire?"

I reply as I turn my door handle to walk out.

Before I walk out I remember I forgot my headphones so I hurriedly shut the front door and walked into my room, I then found them lying on my dresser where they were the night before. Before I went to grab them my phone dings again. I pull my phone out of my pocket. Once again it was claire. 

"GUESS WHO I TALKED TO."

I read across the screen.

 "Who?" 

I text back.

this time she answers immediately. 

"You'll never believe, CARTER, YOUR, CARTER, today after school I did a little shopping, when I was getting into my suv I happened to park next to him and he asked me to move, IM INLOVE."

"Richards? he's a jerk. Did he at least say pretty please." 

I reply as I chuckle to myself.

Finally I shut my phone off and place it in my pocket. I then started walking out the door into my neighborhood. it's more trees and orange fallen leafs than anything. Some might think fallen leafs are a beautiful sight, but not me I think it just reminds us how fast time goes by, the dreams you once had gone with one fallen brown outdated leaf. 

The sun starts to dim through the trees and eventually goes down. The wind picks up I can feel it graze my cheeks, the smell of the fresh breeze cleansing my soul. I can feel the wind brush through my dark black hair. 

That's what I find beautiful something you can feel, just for a moment a piece of heaven on this round spinning hell. I didn't realize how much time went by since I last checked the time, so I pulled out my phone to check the time. It was already seven. 

Suddenly I feel myself bump into- a shadow? As I look up from my phone I realize it's a person and that person is none other than Carter Richard's?! Would you speak of the devil... 

"hey, an apology would be nice." 

he mutters under his breath spitefully.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize anybody was out here, I was just checking the time. It's so dark out here I can't see anything! I'm really sorry." 

I explain panicked.

It's dark and we are the only two people in sight if he were to do anything to me, I wouldn't be able to do anything I'm defenseless! 

After a long period of silence I stutter, 

"Uhm. I should probably head home now, I apologize again." 

the whole time I was apologizing he just stared at me with this cold gaze. before he could open his mouth to say anything more, I scurry away from the crime scene.