Te adoré, te solté 

Sometimes I wonder why we meet people, and fall in love with them but now and then we part ways and go our separate ways. Some of them might have ended in a bitter end and sometimes after the relationship, you felt nothing but relief that it ended the way it was and continue living your life, advancing towards your goals.

Each encounter has its reason as to why you met them but couldn't keep them in your life. I wonder why, why it is painful to be separated when you know it's gonna end either way. 

Why?

Because you don't have control over the people you have in your life, only your emotions and mind are in your hands. Not their heart.

When I was young I always thought that the protagonist in a romance movie is so dumb, always going with her feelings even though she knew she would get hurt by his actions. Always fighting for her love.

Now I understand why people say a person in love is a fool. Because even though I've seen the red flags around her, I was color blind. I always found excuses behind her hurtful actions and hypnotizing myself, changing how I viewed reality. 

It was exhausting but I felt loved.

I've been heartbroken before, but not so painful, that I cried for her even though I knew she was slipping away from me. 

My feeling for her developed deeper than I thought they would, I always told myself that I was gonna be fine if she ever left me. But I didn't know that I was like a moth playing around the fire. The more you get closer the more painful the suffering you will experience. I didn't know, all I felt at that time were butterflies and happiness.

I was blinded by it to the point that I still feel bittersweet about this love.

I cried during all those nights, her actions kept hurting me but I was an idiot for having that glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe she has her reasons, her suffering to deal with that was why she was being like that to me, her girlfriend, who she once called her her treasure. 

The memories, the lessons, and the love we both shared were the only things that held me back, and continue to retry but I guess, you can't be with someone who doesn't put an effort to meet you in the middle.

I'm still hurt by this love, I feel hopeless, maybe love wasn't for me. Because when I start getting serious is when the relationship goes downhill. I only want something real, something that could last. 

I'm not full enough to give love, I feel empty, empty, for giving my all for someone who only receives. 

Sometimes I wonder if this love was wasted, that maybe we met but we were not destined for each other, that we met for a reason, that maybe, just maybe we met to learn a lesson we can carry for the rest of our lives to pass on. 

Maybe I'm delusional, maybe I really am, but I am still bittersweet about my love for her. But I guess, I can say I'm thankful that I met that someone, in this world and experienced these emotions, may it be happiness, sadness, this love even though it was temporary I'm thankful.

But I guess, we are still young, there are more people out there, to who you can give your love when you are full enough to give it to someone without feeling empty. 

And if you are just like me who is still in your healing phase, I guess, what I can say is just hang in there. That's what I'm doing right now, focus on your goal in life.

It is better to be alone than to have a bad companion on the way.

end.