sigh.

> Unable to connect. Could not establish a connection to the server

“The internet is down? Again!?” I groaned. I just wanted to read the next chapter of - hmm… that’s strange.

How is it 4am already! daylight savings? probably not - it just changed a few days ago... I guess I got distracted. Ugh. Whatever. Maybe tomorrow I’ll sleep on time, or maybe I’ll get run over by a train. That works too - it’s nice to have goals in life after all.

I’m so tired, I wish I didn't have to brush my teeth right now but after 24 years of having to deal with my brain, I know it's not going to have the energy in the morning, and we need to try and maintain the illusion of our sanity to our co-workers. The bare minimum I can do is brush them once a day.

As I walk into the small bathroom of my studio apartment, I look around at all the reminders of my - our - constant failure. The mess that is the blue birds-nest of hair in the mirror; The overflowing bin of used up rolls and dog knows what else; An awkwardly shaped bathtub shower that is covered in so much hair that I’m surprised I have any left; And an endless mess of multiple near-empty bottles of various soaps, shampoos, and other liquids that I should throw away.

I grab my toothbrush. It’s electric, but it ran out of charge a long time ago, and we haven’t had the energy to find the charger for it.

Let’s see… I’m pretty sure I brushed using my right hand last night, so I guess I’ll use my left hand this time. “Maybe that’ll trick you into enjoying this” I say softly, while looking at my reflection in the mirror. Our reflection. Me and my brain. If only I could convince it to do the things I wanted, instead of the things it allows me. Instead I have to resort to the ol’ left-handed trick.

It's been another waste of a day. Instead of cleaning my apartment, booking a dentist appointment, shopping for food, arguing with strangers on the internet, and just generally trying to be a normal fraking human being, I decided to binge read a new fanfic about a Sims family, of all things!

“Life would be so much simpler if I had something to tell me why I was unhappy; when I was hungry; and how much people liked me” I say through a mouthful of toothpaste foam. I have no idea how long I brushed my teeth for, but good enough. Did I even eat today?

“You’re such a worthless piece of shit, you know?” I say while staring at my reflection, deep in its eyes. I wonder if staring at my reflection is why I’m no longer absolutely terrible at eye contact. Or maybe it’s because I still have nightmares about that job interview where they kept looking behind them because I couldn’t hold eye contact. Do reflections have pronouns?

Yeah. I know. Wait. know what?

Oh. Yeah. That I’m a worthless piece of shit. Noted.

I live in London. A capitalistic hellhole teeming with every kind of person you can possibly imagine, including me. The appeal of living here is quickly lost once you realise all of your money goes towards rent, bills, commuting, and sitting in your tiny-ass studio alone while the world passes you by. My family live at least 6 hours away; not as far as I would like, but it’s a small comfort.

I climb into bed and check my phone. 4:24 AM. I was exhausted earlier, but after brushing my teeth there’s no way I’m going to fall asleep any time soon. I guess we’ll just climb into bed and mindlessly scroll every form of social media so we can feel connected to other human beings without experiencing crippling anxiety, or at least get a laugh out of another video of babies falling over.

“How does this always happen”? I say to my seagull plushie, Nora. “I thought things were getting better. I finally moved out of parents place. I finally found a job after university that I actually think I could enjoy. I’m trying so hard. I hope no one at work has noticed yet. I just… want to be normal, you know?”