The small town of Westglen was two rows of wooden buildings in the middle of a vast prairie.
Andy Olson rode into town wearing a boyish smile on his face, a pistol at his side, a rifle on his back, and a wide-brimmed white hat to cover himself from the sun. There was no dirt on his white vest or his unscuffed boots which looked like they might have just been purchased at a department store, and the blue-and-white shirt under his vest looked like it had been pressed.
"Good morning, Andy!" A bespectacled shopkeeper waved at him.
"Good morning, Gunther!" Andy waved back.
"'Morning, Andy!" The rider received another greeting from a black-bearded man with a sheriff's star on his vest.
"Howdy, Sheriff!" Andy returned the greeting.
The sheriff had some news for Andy. "The out-of-towners invited us to a friendly game of poker at Rosewater's saloon if you want to join in."
Andy grinned. "That sounds like fun!"
Scene: The Rosewater Saloon
A rough but handsome man sat at the bar. He had not shaved that day. He pulled back his shot of whiskey, swallowed it down, and set the small glass down on the bar with the four others.
The lady who ran the saloon returned behind the counter to deal with him. "Are you done there, Dick? Would you care for another?" She raised a bottle of whiskey.
The man quietly shook his head and held a hand over the empty shotglasses.
The woman returned the bottle behind the bar. "That'll be fifty cents, Mister Wood, whenever you're ready."
"Thank you, miss." The man sat still for a few seconds, then reached into his pants pocket.
In the corner of the bar sat a group of three men playing cards.
"I fold," said the sheriff, laying his cards on the table. A ten high gave him little choice.
Andy Olson smiled as he showed his hand. "I have four of a kind. Lucky sevens. Hah."
A third player sweated nervously. "Uh, let me take a close look at my hand..." He brought his cards below the table, shook his arms, shuffled his cards between his hands, shook his arms again, and and smiled. "All right. I got five of a kind." He laid five cards on the table, each an Ace of Hearts.
"Well, I'll be!" exclaimed Andy. "I ain't never seen such luck as that!"
The sheriff interrupted. "Now wait a darn minute. I ain't never seen no deck of cards that had a five of a kind."
The cheater nervously chuckled. "Heh heh... I guess you found us out, Sheriff. The truth is..." He put on his black hat, stood up, drew his pistol, and brought his red neckerchief up over his nose to cover his face. Several similarly-dressed men in the room did likewise. "We're bandits and we're robbin' this whole town. The poker game was only to distract you."
Andy politely protested. "But you said it would be a friendly game of poker."
"He might have been lyin'," said the sheriff.
The bandit yelled out to the room. "Hand over all your monies and your valuables and your valuable money, and don't get any other ideas."
One of the bandits pointed a gun at the lady barkeeper, who had picked up a chair. She said defensively, "I am only moving this chair."
Her voice distracted another bandit. Dick tapped this bandit on the shoulder, then punched him in the face. This distracted the bandit who had drawn on the barkeeper. She brought the chair down on his head.
The saloon's honest patrons followed their lead and began fighting the other bandits. As the bandit leader looked over his shoulder at the chaos, Andy and the sheriff stood up to join in the fight.
Two bandits ran in through the swinging saloon doors with pistols in their hands. Dick kicked one in the chest, who stumbled back into the other. He then swung his fist and punched the first bandit in the head, knocking his head back into the head of the second bandit. Both fell unconscious.
The bandit leader took a clean right hook to the face from Andy Olson. He stumbled and fired his pistol as he fell, hitting the sheriff in the thigh.
"I'm hit!" The sheriff fell backwards, missing his chair and landing on the floor.
Dick quickly spoke to the barkeeper. "We need bandages and a clean handkerchief." She took a glance at the room to see that the locals had the bandits handled, then nodded and ran for the supplies.
Andy knelt by the sheriff. "Sheriff! You'll be all right! We'll get you to Doc, and he'll fix you right up!"
The sheriff looked up at his friend. "It hurts, Andy!"
Standing a short distance away, Dick spoke with little emotion. "Good. That means you're alive."
The sheriff continued talking to the white-vested man. "I'm bleedin' so much. Tell me I'm not gonna die, Andy."
Andy said some comforting words. "You're not gonna die, Sheriff."
Dick added his own apathetic opinion. "It's not too bad. It missed your artery. I've seen worse."
The barkeeper returned with the bandages and handkerchief. She gave them to Andy who placed the handkerchief on the sheriff's wound and began wrapping a bandage around his leg.
The sheriff looked up at Andy with despair in his eyes. "Andy... tell my wife..." He had second thoughts. "Wait. I'm not married. Well, I durn well better live through this so I can find myself a wife!"
The barkeeper could make an offer. "There are several ladies upstairs who are looking for a husband."
The sheriff was not too fond of that idea. "I meant a decent wife, Emma. I have standards."
Andy finished tying the bandage and gave the sheriff a pat on the shoulder. "That's tied up, now let's get you up and over to Doc's place."
Andy and Dick leaned in so the sheriff could put an arm over each of their shoulders. After they had lifted him to his feet, Andy said "thanks for the help, Dick."
Dick smiled. "Not a problem, Andy."
Scene: The sheriff's office
The hobbled sheriff winced with pain as he sat down in the guest's chair because it would be too much trouble to get to the chair behind his desk.
A panicked cowboy burst into the room. "Sheriff! Someone's been rustlin' mah cattle!"
The sheriff sighed and tapped his cane on the ground. "I can't walk and Andy's out of town... Why don't you see if Dick Wood can help you."
Dick Wood stepped through the open prairie, carrying a shotgun and wearing crossed bandoliers of shotgun shells over his shirt.
A steer turned its head and mooed at him.
The steer was floating a foot off the ground, slowly rising upward in a wide beam of blue light.
Dick looked up. The light led to a flying saucer hovering about 20 yards up with a ring of lights on its underside flashing in a circular pattern.
He raised his shotgun and fired. One of the lights went out and shards of glass fell to the ground. The saucer shuddered as something exploded inside of it. With smoke pouring out of the damaged section of the ship, the saucer dropped the steer and attempted to hover away before veering out of control and crashing to the ground.
Scene: The sheriff's office
A panicked cowboy burst into the room. "Sheriff! The railroad company men are coming into town, and they look like trouble!"
Scene: Westglen, outskirts
A steam-belching locomotive slowly chugged toward town carrying three cars behind it. Robotic arms drew railroad ties and rails from dispensers on the side of the second car and laid them on the ground in front of the locomotive, and another pair of mechanical arms hammered the rails down with spikes.
The sheriff and the cowboy met the railroad company man and his armed guards at the edge of town. He was tall and thin with a thin curled mustache and wore a two-foot-tall stovepipe hat with a chinstrap to prevent it from blowing away at the slightest wind. He held up a piece of parchment and made his case. "The Governor has granted the Railroad Company the authority to run a route through Westglen, and anything within three yards of the new railroad in either direction will become Railroad Company property. Anything along the rail line, such as whatever we find where the bank used to be, will become, legally, Railroad Company property! Ha ha ha ha ha!"
The sheriff and the cowboy turned and headed back into town. Once they were out of the Railroad Company man’s earshot, the sheriff quietly spoke to the cowboy. "Get me Andy Olson." The cowboy nodded. The sheriff continued. "And get me Emma Rosewater."
The cowboy was surprised to hear that name. "You mean the crooked barkeep what waters her drinks?"
"That's the one," the sheriff said. He had one more name. "And get me Dick Wood."
Several minutes later, the Railroad Company's engine approached an abandoned stable on the edge of town. Armed company men stood inside and on top of the train's cars, every one wearing a black cowboy hat. The Railroad Company's man stood at the edge of town to watch his engine do its work.
Emma Rosewater hurried down the road, wearing a revealing dress that accentuated her cleavage. She walked up to the Railroad Company man and called out to catch his attention. "Excuse me! Excuse me sir. Might I beg of you to reroute your train? The good people of Westglen might have something to offer you in exchange for your kindness and decency in this matter." She batted her eyelashes at him.
The Railroad Company's man scratched his chin. "It would need to be a magnificent offer to change my mind."
Emma held up her purse and reached into it. "I do have something in my purse that might enhance your disposition." A crack rang out and the company man fell as she shot him in the face with her hidden pistol. The man's two bodyguards were too shocked to react before she shot one of them. The other guard drew his gun on her but was felled by a rifle shot.
From behind a barrel, Andy Olson ejected a spent shell and reloaded his rifle.
The sheriff yelled out to the railroad car. "Your man's down! Stop your monstrosity."
One of the men on the roof of the locomotive fired a rifle at the sheriff and missed. The sheriff stuck his cane in the ground and stumbled for cover with the help of the cowboy. Andy Olson aimed his rifle at the reloading attacker, then adjusted his aim and shot down a different company man who had just raised his rifle at them.
The locomotive crashed into the stable. As it began to collapse, Dick Wood leaped from the roof and fired his shotgun before he landed on the top of the train. The man he had hit bent over and fell off the side of the train while Dick Wood helped a few others off with his gun butt and a hard kick.
Inside one of the passenger cars, the Railroad Company men saw their companions being thrown from the roof one after another. There was a pause for several seconds before Dick Wood kicked the door in and aimed his shotgun at them. The men lay down their guns and raised their arms.
Scene: The sheriff's office
The same panicked cowboy burst into the room. "Sheriff! We're being attacked by Indians!"
Outside of town, a small army of whooping Plains Indians rode toward Westglen armed with bows and arrows. Some of them were wearing Cleveland Indians hats and jerseys.
The cowboy added, "... and Mexicans!"
Outside of town, a small army of sombrero-wearing Mexicans rode toward Westglen led by a wide-bodied man with a rainbow-colored poncho. Some of them were carrying mariachi band instruments instead of guns. Their leader yelled "Atacad!"
The cowboy added, "... and the Ku Klux Klan!"
Outside of town, a small army of hooded Ku Klux Klan members rode toward Westglen carrying Tiki torches and Confederate flags.
The cowboy finished. "... all at the same time!"
The sheriff sat straight, raised an arm, and waved his hand in a circle above his head. "Get me everybody."
Scene: The Rosewater Saloon
The cowboy burst through the swinging doors and shouted "EVERYBODY!"
He had the attention of everybody: Andy Olson; Dick Wood; Emma Rosewater behind the bar; two stranded space aliens, one with an arm in a sling; the other customers; and several defeated bandits who had stayed in town.
Scene: Westglen main road
An army of rifle-bearing cowboys, clerks, and shopkeepers collected themselves and marched along the dirt road. Emma Rosewater led a squad of scantily clad women of ill repute with rifles in hand.
The hobbling sheriff waved them forward. "Go on! I'll catch up."
Scene: Outside Westglen
The three attacking armies conveniently converged towards the one point in the small town where the people were making their defense. The townspeople took aim from behind a hastily constructed barrier of overturned wagons. A few arrows flew in as the Indians began attacking. The townsmen retaliated with rifle and shotgun fire and a laser beam from the pistol of the one healthy alien.
Andy Olson aimed carefully and fired. An Indian fell off his horse. "I got one!" he reported proudly.
Dick Wood aimed his shotgun and fired. The booming blast knocked the leader of the Mexican army off his horse as if he had been tied to a rope and reached its limit while his horse kept going.
Dick Wood took a second shotgun from a young girl of the town. As the young girl began reloading his first gun, and as incoming gunshots splintered the wood of the barrier, Dick Wood fired and knocked down the leader of the Ku Klux Klan.
The townspeople continued exchanging fire with the three armies until one of the Klansmen stopped his horse and shouted. "Hey! Wait a minute! Don't we all hate each other?"
The other armies stopped and looked at him.
A Mexican said, "Si."
An Indian said, "Yup."
All three armies turned their weapons on each other. After a single salvo, all of them lay dead.
The confused townspeople stood and watched. The sheriff said, "I guess that's it."
Scene: The sheriff's office
The same familiar cowboy burst into the room. "Sheriff! Come on out. You'll want to have a look at this!"
The sheriff rose to his feet and followed the cowboy out of the building.
Scene: Westglen main road
The sheriff stepped out into the street and looked up to where the cowboy was pointing. Far above them, an egg-shaped flying ship zoomed around in a broad circle as it spiraled down toward the town. The sheriff gave his best educated guess as to what it might be. "That there must be one of them French dirigibles that I've heard tell of."
The egg-shaped ship slowly settled into the grass outside the town. A transparent elevator lowered from the rear of the ship and let off a rather ordinary-looking middle-aged woman who was overweight and carried a large pistol strapped to her hip. She began walking toward the edge of town, where most of the residents had gathered to watch the ship land.
The sheriff turned to Andy. "Andy, do you know what they say about French women?"
Andy shrugged. "Nope."
"Neither do I," said the sheriff. "And that has me worried."
The unknown woman walked up to the crowd of spectators and looked at one particular man. "Mister Wood?"
"You can call me Dick." He showed no sign of his surprise that she knew who he was.
The woman held out her hand and introduced herself. "My name is Irene Harkness, and I have a business proposal for you. It would involve travel far away and a long-term commitment."
Dick shook her hand. "I'm willin' to hear it. How far are we talking?"