I want to drown at sea!
I want to feel the salty water fill my lungs so fast, I panic.
I want to taste my tears and how they mix with the ocean.
I want to feel the excruciating pain of salt in my wounds, burning me from the inside out.
I want the desperate urge to pull my head above water,
I want the fright and the sadness choke in my throat,
I want to suffocate on the negative words and phrases, the dirty looks that I’m sent
I want to drench myself in the stench of self-loathing.
My dream is to drown and flood and go down like the Titanic.
I want to sink, to drop, to fill with water.
I don’t want to float to the surface with a fake smile frozen onto my cold blue face
I want the world to turn me over and see the pain etched onto my face just so I can feel it again.
I want to drown at sea, just like I did in eighth grade.
But I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to leave.
I want to be a wave of the sea, always tossing and crashing against the shore.
I want to burn again.
I want to feel my chest on fire, the pain in it when you tell me, ‘No.’
I want to ignite like a match.
I want you to hold me until you’re burned because you held onto me for too long.
I want to incinerate myself.
I want to boil down to measley ashes for the world to see.
I want my family to place in me in an urn on the mantle
I WANT TO BURN SO I CAN LIVE.
I’ll burst out the urn in a new flame.
Reborn as something stronger, something that water nor flame can erase
I want to burn and smolder.
I want to be a phoenix.
I want to bleed.
I want to drain of all red fluid and lay empty
I want to weep and gush and spurt
I want to make a mess.
I want to lose everything for a stupid reason
I want to be able to drown and cough up my own blood
Just so that I can be okay.
I want to ooze.
I want to be me.
I want to lose everything and be me.
I don’t want to be the ‘obnoxious girl’
I don’t want to be a bitch.
I don’t want to be completely obvious.
I don’t want to be remembered as the girl who almost killed herself
I don’t want to be forgotten either.
I don’t want to be a mistake.
I was suicidal and entry-level stupid.
I am sober now.
I am going to be something so much more.
I am going to sing my soul into the wind mindlessly like a bird would when on his branch.
I am going to drown and it’s going to be great.