Read Wandering Boy :: Mental Health (TW)

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Wandering Boy

Mental Health (TW)

M. Seye

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'Getting better' is such a vague term, and even if it seems youre getting better on the surface, it doesn't always match the reality of what's going on in someone's mind. I've been clean from cutting for a couple months. I don't have thoughts about how I'll kill myself constantly buzzing in my head. But that doesn't mean I'm better. To say I'm completely clean is a lie, I don't use razors (my mom hid all the razors, more out of concern of people noticing my scars rather than for me, in her usual fashion) and maybe I don't do it as often, but even if it doesn't leave scars or even draw blood doesn't mean it isn't self harm. However unhealthy it is, it helps me. It makes me feel more relaxed, more focused. It helps ground me, and the marks make internal struggles tangible in some way. The fact that I don't really want to kill myself doesn't really mean anything, because I still want to stop existing, I just don't have the energy to actually think about how to achieve that, which is a comforting in its own sick way. It grounds me, showing me a tangible way to end the intangible suffering. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm in a locked room and water is slowly filling it up. There's a key across the room, or maybe there's a tap there that I can turn off. But I'm paralyzed, i can't even try to do anything about it. These are all unhealthy thoughts, and I'm well aware of it. But I don't have access to mental health care, my parents refuse to get me any. So I have to cope however I can or else I'll lose all control of myself, my brain will shut off.

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