It’s Monday, again. I wish nothing more than to get out of this hell hole called school. Studying every night till 3 A.M, because I wasn’t as intelligent as my classmates. Trying to get a hold of my grades at every given moment but failing miserably. It’s not like a was a lazy student, but I wasn’t gifted with a good memory. It was hard but I had a goal. The goal to become a lawyer. It always was and will be my dream. Standing in court and having all this power over people, I so desperately wish for. But with the grades I have now, it will never happen.
As if the pressure wasn’t big enough already. My parents started to argue if I shouldn’t become a lawyer and instead just do something in my reach. That I was angry about such a statement is a mild way state it. I am not a person of rage but that day I totally lost it. My room looked, after my little outburst like there was a drug search.
My parents where more than feed up with me at this point. And ultimatum was to get me a tutoring teacher. They already talked to a few and Mister Bakker would be a perfect fit for me. He taught Physics, Math and overall was a P.E teacher as well. Mom was more than convinced that he will help me out. Dad was more sceptical. But agreed.
And there I was now. 7 A.M in school because I am too dumb to study by myself. I was bickering to myself the whole way to his classroom. I was more than frustrated that I needed help, but more frustrating was Mister Bakker. He is the kind of ass-teacher, playing nice but will hit you with a brick if one wrong word slips through. I never really liked him, but Mom loved him.
At the classroom I realized how nervous I was. I never have been the kind of person that liked to be alone with someone else. I watched to much horror shows for that. But they were entertaining too, so who could blame me. The door cracked a bit while I entered the room. He was already sitting on his desk. I closed the door and his head snapped up.
“Good Morning Kaya!” He sounded happy, but I wasn’t. My face must look like it rained the whole day. What it kind of did in my head. I murmured a “Morning” underneath my breath and seat down across from his desk. He ignored my mood and began to get his notes out of his bag.
“So where did we end off?” He literally was shining, and I tried not to make weird throwing up noises.
He clapped his hands and grabbed a book, flipped it open and showed something. I didn’t even listen I still was mad that I had to get here so darn early. Which idiot thought of that. “MoM” slipped out of my mouth as it hid me. I love her but her idea of this whole thing was more than shitty.
“Kaya?” His hand waved in front of me. I looked him straight in the eyes. I never noticed they were brown.
“I think we should stop here. You don’t look like you’re feeling well. Are you tired?” A soft “Mmhh” left my mouth. He nodded and got up. “Would it be easier if we do it in the evening?” Before I even could think about, I answered a short “Yes”. He nodded again and left the room. I just crashed my head on the desk and got the rest I desperately needed.
The whole day I thought about his “if we did it in the evening?”. What does he mean with evening?
I didn’t saw him again this day. So, I went home and just tried to forget about the morning conversation with Mister Bakker. At home I straight went back to studying, he sometimes slipped in between but I tried my best to just forget about it. I told Mom that it went well and that I just needed a little bump to sort out everything. And I could do the task in Math a bit better. Or I just thought so.
After Dinner I jump in the shower to clear my head for good now. But when my Mom stormed almost in on me nacked, my whole mood turned. He called, he wanted me to come as agreed too. With pure horror written all over my face, I asked my Mom to stay at home. I explained to her that I didn’t feel safe around him. But she said that I shouldn’t be such a weird Teen. I just nodded; I didn’t want to make her mad. And after all it was just tutoring, what could go wrong? Nothing, and in the end, I may get better grades. I buried the unwell feeling deep down in my mind and went on.
Mom drove me to his house. As the house came in sight, I started sweating really bad, my breathing felt like it would stop any second and my heart tried to win a racing game. With shaking knees, I claimed out of the car. Waived my Mom and as she drove home, without me. Tears started to slowly build up. When I graduated, I need therapy, this anxiety attacks are awful.
Why do I feel like I am running straight into a trap, when I am just visiting my teacher for a tutoring lesson? And why can I just think like a normal Person? Mister Bakker may be a little shit sometimes, but he won’t kill me. But my anxiety will! As I walked towards the house, this feeling I still couldn’t explain got stronger, but I just shoved it somewhere else in my mind.
“You are fine Kaya! It’s just tutoring!” I nodded to myself and with the wave of bravery I went to his door and rung the bell.