This whole book has a trigger warning, but this one is all about my suicidal thoughts and my attempt. If this is too much, I don't want you to have anxiety so move over this chapter.
I've had suicidal thoughts most of my teenage life. Little things like I could jump off this bridge or staying up thinking how my family would be better off if I was dead. At first I didn't understand them, I thought it was normal. Yet, I didn't talk about them, I knew that it wasn't normal to talk about.
As I got older and life became more stressful, these thoughts became more serious. Thinking how I would do it, why and how everything would be better. By the time I entered senior year, I had thought of several plans. I just wasn't able to push through.
I thought I was fine, that I could handle these thoughts. I wasn't really depressed or suicidal, I hadn't really self harmed or anything so I was safe.
Right now I'm gonna say to not say these things to yourself.
I over explained all of my problems, saying I was fine or just a little sad. But if you are ever thinking about dying or the benefits of you being gone, that's a first red flag.
Senior year was bad. There is so much stress that goes with it, the last year of high school, final tests, finding jobs and moving on into adult life. I knew it would be a lot and I could handle it.
I couldn't.
I was spending hours to make sure I got all A's, I was helping my mom babysit a neighbor kid, going to church, spending time with family and friends and eventually working 6 hour shifts at work.
It's like a snowball, it slowly gets worse and when you finally realize you can't do it, you are overwhelmed.
I had so many things I had to keep up, I wasn't really taking care of myself. It was all fake, and it weighed on me.
Everything got worse, depression pulled me down, I was staying up all night wanting to just disapear and I started self harming with a pair of scissors in my room.
Then, I messed up at work and it all cam falling down.
I felt useless, I had messed up and the buisness I was working at took a hit because of me.
I wanted to die.
I spent the next day looking up ways to die that would work for me.
The next day was a Saturday and I wrote letters to my family, cleaned up my room.
On Sunday, I spent time with my family, smiling and laughing.
Monday, I went to the train tracks.
Obviously, I survived. At the end I tripped and ran all the way home. I was crying, I wanted to cuddle my mom, I wanted to be a child again, problem free.
My life was so chaotic, family, work, chruch, school, everything was a mess.
But the day I decided to die, life was perfect. Suddenly I had a plan, I knew what I was going to do and it gave me new confidence.
I felt good about my choice, I was helping eveyone.
People say those that try to kill themselves are sad and full of pain. Yes, I was, but at the last moment, I was so happy. It was so strange but it was the best day of my life. And that didn't even scare me.
Just because you feel happy doesn't mean it's a good choice.
I've talked to doctors now, I'm going to therapy and things are better.
But there are still nights I want to disapear. I just want to stop living.
I still have to work hard, I work on my anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I work with my family, talking about my bad days and what I need from them.
Suicide felt like a solution, an easy fix. But I want to give hope to anyone else working thought the problems. It's hard, but I've had so many good days since then.
I graduated, I went to this ridiculously rich theatre to watch a play with my aunts, I celebrated my grandparent's 50th wedding aniversay and I'm doing a play over the summer with friends. For evey night I spend laying in bed wanting time to stop, there is a good day coming where you can't stop from smiling. It's the time in between where it's hardest.
And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for anyone, becuase that's what I needed and I couldn't get it until after I almost died. I want to stop that for someone else if I can.
Just me talking about my life dealing with different mental illnesses. This is all real, I deal with everything I write about. Please, only read if you want to learn, support, or say your own story.
It's completed, but I may add chapters when I feel like it.
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