I had just gotten off the aeroplane after my arduous flight from Australia when I against better judgement turned on my phone. Much to my dismay, there was a WhatsApp message from my friend Martin. “Have you hooked up with anyone yet? Did you make use of the 24-hour-flight to France to join the mile-high club?”

I sighed at the predictable text message, yet I couldn’t let it go. Martin never hooked up with anyone either, but he had been with his partner for many years, so at least he had an excuse. I, on the other hand, was a successful lawyer so I had no excuse for my lengthy spell without female companionship.

I went to a convenience store and bought a kilogram of oranges. The Covid “vaccine” I had taken to be allowed to leave Australia, had given me a strange side-effect: I had to eat a lot of oranges to avoid an outbreak of scurvy. Who could have imagined?

After eating my oranges, I thought “Fuck it” and downloaded Tinder. I had deleted the bloody app after attending 100 Tinder dates without having sex, a few years earlier. However, I was in a new country, and hopefully, the French dating market would work better for me than the Australian one.

As I opened the app, I noticed something disappointing. Most of the women looked French. I am not a racist, but if a woman doesn’t have an East Asian heritage, she is a no-go for me. Actually, now that I think about it, I am racist, at least when it comes to the selection of partners for bedroom activities.

After swiping left 50 girls in a row, an Asian woman appeared. She wasn’t hot, but beggars can’t be choosers and the French market didn’t seem to cater to my preferences. I swiped right, and it surprised me when the text “You got a match!” showed up on my phone. One match out of one right-swipe. Off to a good start!

I chatted with my Tinder match while a cab took me to my hotel. We agreed to meet up outside the Notre Dame Cathedral in the afternoon, which was perfect, as my hotel was next to the Cathedral.

As I arrived at the hotel, I showered and a had a quick nap to get my beauty sleep before my first Tinder date of the year.

***

I stood outside the Notre Dame Cathedral and enjoyed the spring sun. I felt a surge of nervous anticipation before my date, and images from Emma’s disappearing act at the library two years earlier were playing tricks on my mind. Although I had experienced sex since that debacle, I was still annoyed that I had missed such an open goal. I hoped it wouldn’t happen again.

A notification from my date pinged on my phone. It was from today’s date, Sandra. I was about to open the app when I heard a female voice. “Hey, you must be Geoffrey.”

I turned around and I saw a beautiful Asian woman who was dissimilar from my Tinder date. This surprised me. While it is common for Tinder dates to look different in real life, they never look more beautiful in person.

“Hi, it is so nice to meet you.” I said and smiled. “Yes, it is. Let’s get properly introduced. I am Li-Na.” My date said and showed me a heavenly smile with her perfect white teeth.
“I am Geoffrey.” I said and reached out with my hand to greet her.

As I reached out to greet Li-Na, I realised my potential mistake. A year after Covid, there were still people who were afraid of shaking hands. Then again, would someone who refused to shake hands out of fear of viruses allow me to raw dog her in a few hours in any case?

“I prefer hugging.” Li-Na said and gave me a warm embrace.

As Li-Na hugged me, I worried about the increased blood flow to certain regions. Would she find me odd if had an erection less than a minute after meeting her?

Li-Na let go of her hug and I exhaled in relief. That was a close one, now I could play it slow with my unsurpassed conversational skills instead.

“Let’s go inside. I know everything about the cathedral. I can give you a guided tour.” Li-Na said.
“I would love a guided tour. Lead the way.” I said and smiled.

Li-Na smiled, and she took me around the Cathedral and spoke about the restored artworks. I tried my best to keep track of what she was saying but I felt distracted. Like when I referee a certain lady in football, I couldn’t think of anything but sex.

“This is the linen storeroom I have the key for. This is where we agreed to have sex.” Lina seduced.

I stared at Li-Na in disbelief. Had she said that, or was my lengthy dry spell playing tricks on my mind?

“That is… unless you find me ugly?” Li-Na said and smiled seductively.
“As a successful lawyer, I always fulfil my obligations. Sex in the storeroom it is,” I winked.

Li-Na unlocked the door, and I felt like I was in heaven for about 30 seconds. It was a bit embarrassing that I didn’t last longer than that, but it had been a while…

“Uhm, I am sorry it went so quick, but my hotel is nearby. I promise to make it up to you.” I said.
“I understand. It’s been long since I had sex as well. But this app is a God-send.” Li-Na replied.
“So, let’s go back to my hotel then?” I said.
“I would love to,” Li-Na said, and we walked hand in hand to my hotel for more bedroom activities!

***

I woke up from jet lag at 2 AM and my dick felt like it was about to fall off. I had unleashed hell on Li-Na’s pussy and beaten my daily record by having sex ten times. I thought about waking her up and ask for an 11^th round, but I feared permanent damages if I pushed it that hard. Instead, I took a sneaky photograph of her tight body to send to Martin. Normally, I am more gentleman-like than so, but I was on the other side of the world and unlikely to start a relationship with the lady in question. In a way, it was a shame, as sex with Li-Na was out of this world.

I sent the photo to Martin with the following text. “Look who I have been having sex with today.” “Good stuff. How much did you pay?” Martin replied.
“Nothing, I found her on Tinder. We even had sex inside a church.” I gloated.
“Cool story, bro. Tell me all about it when you get home.” Martin replied.

I thought about gloating a bit more, but I opened the Tinder app to find out why Li-Na called herself Sandra on the app.

There was a message from ‘Sandra’. The message read “I need you to verify that you are who you claim to be. Can you send me a picture of the front and back of your credit card?”

Bah, what a joke. What kind of desperate loser would fall for such an obvious scam? But then I got curious. If ‘Sandra’ was a scam artist, who did Li-Na think that I was?

I decided to find out in the morning. As for now, I would eat some more oranges to avoid getting scurvy from my Covid vaccine. After that, I would lay my sexed-out body to rest.

***

I woke up in the morning to the smell of freshly baked baguette. Li-Na smiled at me and spoke. “I am so happy that I met you, Geoffrey. It so good to find someone to share life and death with.”
“Oh, don’t say that. We are still young, and we have plenty of years to live.” I replied.

Hearing this, Li-Na got melancholic and shed a tear. “Oh, I hope I could summon your energy and optimism. But I fear the cure for our condition won’t arrive during our lifetimes. At least not before I pass away.”
“Hold on. I don’t have any life-threatening disease?” I replied.
“You keep saying that, but I don’t agree with you. I am convinced that our HIV will end our lines prematurely.” Li-Na whined.
“What? I don’t have HIV. Why would you say such a thing?” I said in shock.
“Wait? Are you not Jeffrey Wang from the Hinder App?” Li-Na asked.
“No! I am Geoffrey Tang from Tinder.” I exclaimed.
“Oh shit. I am so sorry to say this, but I thought you were from the Hinder app, which is a dating app for HIV-infected people. So now, you have had a lot of unprotected sex with me and I am carrying a late-stage HIV infection.” Li-Na revealed.

As you can imagine, things got shocking after Li-Na’s revelation. She grabbed her stuff and left my hotel room without a word. Meanwhile, I hoped that my penis ached because of overuse, and not because of a lethal blood-borne disease.

I thought of praying to God for help. Then I realised that I had fornicated with a stranger in His house, so I was better off lying low and hoping for God to not detect my transgressions.

***

As it turned out, Li-Na didn’t infect me with HIV. While this was good news for my life expectancy, I doubt that it was good for my sex life. I have been checking out the Hinder app, and everyone there seems like horny nymphomaniacs. Then again, they all carry a lethal disease, so I guess there are pros and cons with everything.

On the flipside, now that I have finally broken my dry spell, I am ready to tackle another obstacle. I am ready to go on another 100 Tinder dates and hopefully have sex after some of the encounters.