The weekend after the debacle with my colleague Mikayla Wang, I was back at the soccer field. The players were angrier than ever, and I had lost count of the numerous “Fucking hell,” “Cunt,” and “Are you blind, ref!” calls I had received during the day. Good times! I knew that I should send players off for such brutal live reviews of my umpiring. However, I had another, more efficient way of dealing with the psychological trauma. My refereeing method involves not eating for 24 hours before games. With this unsurpassed method, I find a blissful mental state where harsh words don’t affect me, and all my calls on the field are perfect.

As I walked off the field, my friend Martin approached me and said excitedly, “Wow! That was one big punch-up. What happened?”
“Punch up?” I asked.
“Yes. Did you miss when a King’s Park player called a Poogee player's mother a whore, and the Poogee player responded by headbutting him and breaking his nose?” Martin asked.
“I have no idea what you are talking about?” I replied.
“Oh. Don’t say you are combining refereeing and 24-hour fasting again?” Martin asked.
“Of course, I am. Why would I quit such a successful scheme? It helps me lose weight, while I get paid for refereeing these games. That is hitting two birds with one stone!” I replied.
“Whatever you say. Hey, isn’t that the sexy female player you always perv on?” Martin asked and pointed in the direction of a female soccer player who entered my field.

I looked in the direction of the woman, and there she was, Jasmine Xi, the sexiest player in the comp. At least she was the sexiest East Asian player in the comp, which in my book is synonymous with the above statement. As I looked at her, I reached a hunger-induced meditative nirvana. In this meditative state, I pictured how we would have grandchildren and pass on to paradise together at an advanced age. This was good news, as the presence of grandchildren in my visions indicated that we would have sex at some stage, and sex was a scarce commodity in my life!

“Yes, that’s her. Please don’t intervene and fuck things up like you always do!” I exclaimed.
“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Martin replied.
“The girl you brought to the Oxford Tavern last weekend stole my date,” I replied.
“Oh yeah. That was funny, wasn’t it? Who could have seen that coming?” Martin said and laughed. “In any case, I will do what I have never done before. I will hook up after a game I officiate. I will hook up with Jasmine Xi.” I proclaimed.
“Okay. Best of luck. I am heading to my game now.” Martin said and rushed off.

My eyes followed him as he rushed off, and I struggled to stay upright with my very low blood sugar. Two more hours of refereeing and then I would set up a date with the sexiest woman in the comp!

***

Two hours later, I felt a slight hesitation. The football match was over, and it was the moment of truth. Should I walk over to Jasmine and introduce myself, or was I better off heading home and lurking through her old Instagram posts?

I saw Martin approaching me from the other soccer field, which increased the stakes. I had proclaimed that I would make a move on Jasmine, but I didn’t want him to witness the spectacle.

“Hi Geoffrey. I think you are the cutest and best referee in the comp.”

I turned around, and I gasped in shock as I looked at the angelic features of Jasmine Xi. Was this happening, or had I reached the hallucination state of my combined fitness and fasting regime?

“Umm. Thank you.” I mumbled, not knowing how to react to this unexpected turn of events.
“I was wondering if you would like to join me at the pub for a few drinks. There is a friend I would like you to meet.” Jasmine said and smiled with teeth that were straight from the toothpaste commercial.

I was about to reply when I saw Martin walking past. He smiled an exaggerated smile and showed me thumbs up. I was not sure whether this was an encouragement or if that rascal was playing another prank on me. However, I did know one thing, I would beat myself up forever if I rejected Jasmine’s offer about having drinks.

“I’d love to have drinks with you, Jasmine,” I said and smiled.
“Great. How about heading to the Oxford Tavern? They have great drink specials on Sundays. We can meet my friend there.” Jasmine suggested.

Hearing how Jasmine suggested the Oxford Tavern as our watering hole gave me slight anxiety. This was where the stunning Sara had stolen my date, Mikayla, the previous weekend. Then again, I could not exclude every venue where I had a negative dating experience, otherwise, I would have run out of venues years ago.

“Great, I love the Oxford Tavern. It’s my favourite pub.” I lied.
“Yeah, me too. I love the atmosphere and the drinks. I go there all the time.” Jasmine enthused. “Yes. I can’t wait to have a few cold ones.” I exclaimed.
“Me too. Let’s go.” Jasmine said and hugged me.

There and then, I was in nirvana. I had reached my mental peak from the combination of hunger, exhaustion, verbal abuse, and a beautiful woman’s embrace. It was the best of every world. Well except for one thing, I still needed to steer this beautiful female masterpiece towards sex. There and then, I would reach true happiness. However, one step at a time. First, I needed to pass the trial at the pub. I prayed in silence that Martin wouldn’t bring another woman who would steal my date.

With this in mind, I went with Jasmine to the pub for what would be a night to remember.

***

“I don’t know how you handle it. Why do you tolerate male player punching each other and hurling abuse towards you?”

I felt a bit disappointed when Jasmine asked me about my refereeing as we were enjoying our drinks at the pub. I would much rather have sold myself as the successful lawyer, but I realised that to Jasmine, I would always be the charming and cute soccer referee. At least until she got to know me as the Duracell bunny. I.E., not big, but keeps going at it like a rabbit. Ah, good times.

“I try to be empathetic to everyone. When I understand where they are coming from, I try to talk with them instead of throwing cards in their faces.” I replied.
“You are too nice for your own good, Geoffrey. You are not their psychologist; you are their referee. If they want to talk to you, they can pay you $200 an hour for the pleasure.” Jasmine stated.
“Ha-ha, that’s funny. My friend Martin says the same thing.” I replied.
“I know. It is his exact words. He told me this last weekend, and I realised that he was correct.” Jasmine replied.
“Hold on, did you speak to Martin last weekend?” I asked.
“Yes, you were here together, weren’t you?” Jasmine asked.

I froze. Why hadn’t Martin told me about his conversation with Jasmine? Was this another one of his pranks and mischiefs?

Jasmine checked her phone, looked at me with disappointment in her eyes, and spoke. “My friend isn’t joining us.”

‘Yippie, I dodged a bullet there,’ I thought as Jasmine's friend was presumably less attractive than her. Yet, a more important question remained. How would I get her to a suitable place to show off my Duracell bunny abilities?

As it turned out, I didn’t need to think long and hard about my predicament as Jasmine spoke. “Hey, would you like to have a few drinks at my place? There is no point in staying here since my friend isn’t coming.”
“That sounds like a great idea. I would love to see your place and your soccer medals.” I said while leaving out what I actually wanted to see, her naked body under me.
“That’s great. I can’t wait to show them to you.” Jasmine exclaimed in excitement.

With this said, we got up and drove to her place.

***

As we arrived at Jasmine’s apartment, we were greeted by a total pooftah who turned out to be her flatmate James. At first, James’s presence was more of a nuisance than a threat. While everything could happen, I deemed it unlikely that I would lose the beautiful Jasmine to him. I am, after all, a successful lawyer, while James was a flaming homosexual. Who would any sensible woman choose?

Much to my dismay, Jasmine didn’t invite me to her bedroom. Instead, we were drinking while playing board games with James. At face value, this wasn’t the end of the world. I could await the opportunity when the alcohol and fatigue made me irresistible to Jasmine.

This moment never came. Instead, Jasmine yawned, looked at me, and said, “Yawnn… I better take a shower and get some rest, so I am fresh for work tomorrow. Why don’t you stay a bit longer so you can get to know James?”

There and then it dawned on me. I should have done more research about which friend Jasmine planned to introduce me to before I joined her for drinks. Then again, who in their right mind questions why a hot girl asks one out?

After Jasmine left, I turned to James and spoke. “Sorry but I need to go. I got HIV from my Covid vaccine.”
James smiled and replied, “That’s okay, darling. I got HIV from the sex club, so we are a perfect match.”
“Try the Hinder app,” I said and left the apartment.

And that’s how I got invited to the apartment of the hottest woman in the soccer competition, only to find out that she was trying to set me up with her HIV-infected gay friend.