I was hunkering down inside my apartment while staring at the parked van on the street outside. Could it be the black operations team from the government that was spying on me? I had been sitting terrified of the government since my robot date a week earlier and I had spent most of the time “working from home.” IE. watching television series, which dulled my senses. The problem remained. Either the government would come after me for what I knew, or the law firm would fire me for not doing my job. 

I had an epiphany. If the government were to come after me, my home would be the first place they looked. Ergo, going to work was the better choice. Besides, the black operations colonel had said that everything would be alright, if I shut up and paid the $10,000 call out fee. Bloody rort!

Having this epiphany, I logged in to the lawyer website and I was about to do some work when Martin buzzed on my door phone. 

“Hey mate. What are you doing tonight?” Martin asked. 

“I am working,” I replied, which was more truthful than it usually was when my manager asked me the same question.

“Are you working 8 PM on a Saturday?” Martin asked. 

“Yes, it has been a busy week and I have been working hard.” I lied. 

“I see. Then you need to unwind. I bought some liquid LSD from the Rastafari Referee.” Martin replied.

I hesitated for a moment. It was time to work after a week of procrastination. Yet, the Rastafari Referee was famous for his good products, and my life was a non-sensical mess. A dose of the Rastafari Special, could untangle my mind and help me find God like it had done for him, a few years earlier. 

“You are right. I have been working hard all week. I need some RNR. Please come in.” I said. 

I sighed and logged off my laptop. I prayed that my LSD trip would inspire me to get on with my boring lawyering job next week because otherwise, I’d be in trouble. One thing at the time, for now, I would enjoy the Rastafari Referee’s legendary produce. 

*** 

“Elias said this is his best batch yet. After a dose of this acid, you’ll understand the depth of the government conspiracy and the dangers of vaccines.”

I looked at Martin who held a vial of liquid LSD in his hand. I have always found it fascinating that the people who oppose vaccines are the strongest advocates for other drugs. I don’t live that way. I was first in line to get my Covid vaccine which gives me scurvy if I don’t eat oranges, and I was also keen to try whatever concoction Martin had in the vial. This was a coherent approach to putting toxic substances into one’s body. 

“I see. Isn’t Elias coming?” I asked. 

“Well, you know how it is. Elias isn’t important enough to be featured in this story.” Martin replied.

I stared at Martin in confusion. What the hell was he talking about? I concluded that he had already tasted the LSD and that I should pay his nonsense less attention than usual. 

“Well, let’s do this. Let’s pour the acid in some orange juice and drink it.” I suggested.

Martin nodded, and he divided the content of the vial into two glasses of orange juice. Bottom-up!

As I skolled my spiked drink, I realised that I have had too much of the Rastafari Special as the room started spinning. I stumbled to my bed and passed out. 

***

As I woke up, I stared in fascination at my computer screen. For some reason, an old-school command window popped up. As I looked at the screen, green text appeared. 

‘Wake up, Geoffrey. 

The Author has you. 

Follow the cute soccer player. 

Knock, knock.’

As I heard a knock on the door, I reflected on how said soccer player had entered my apartment complex as I hadn’t answered the door phone. I realised that the best way to find out was to open the door and ask. 

As I opened the door, I saw Jasmine Xi and some of her teammates wearing strange rave outfits. Why were they dressed like this? What was going on? I realised that the acid had taken its hold on me and I was better off accepting the world as it was, rather than questioning things too much. 

“Hi, Geoffrey. Would you like to come clubbing with us? We are going to the Phoenician Club” Jasmine said with a smile that made her face morph into a white rabbit. 

Well, did I? Jasmine had been the target of my affection for the last few months, but did I want to risk it by exposing my drugged-up persona? The answer was a clear yes. My other personality hadn’t won the battle for Jasmine’s heart, so with a lot of luck, the acid version of me could do the impossible and bed Jasmine. 

“Um, yeah I’d love to come,” I replied and left my apartment, hoping that I would find a way to survive the night and come out victorious on the other side. 

***

As I approached the Phoenician Club, I saw a poster saying ‘The Prodigy Concert. The 25th of May 1998.’

Wow, so tonight was a retro night? I had been out clubbing a lot in my years and I had never heard about this club or its retro outfit. 

“Wow. This is so cool. 1998 was such a long time ago.” I said to Jasmine. 

She gave me a sceptical look and replied. “What are you talking about? That concert is in three months. Anyway, let’s go inside. There is something I need to talk to you about.”

‘Wouldn’t it be better to talk here than trying to hold a conversation inside a club playing loud German techno?’ I thought. I reminded myself to go with the flow, so I replied. “Yes, you’re right. Let’s talk inside.”

Jasmine smiled, took my hand, and led me inside. As I held her hand, I reflected on how much better Jasmine’s human hand felt compared to Ainu’s rubbery robot hand. I might be Asian, but I am not Japanese! Next stop, a dance floor playing German techno. 

***

“The Author has you, and you are stuck in the Martrix.” 

Jasmine Xi’s words made no sense to me. What drugs had she taken, and had my acid trip twisted the message she relayed to me with her beautiful lips?

“Yes, I do feel a bit stuck in life,” I replied. 

“So, do I. I keep falling in love with you and then I ruin it. It is as if someone else controls my life like a puppet. Do you know what I am talking about?” Jasmine whined.

I had no idea what she was talking about. It was hard enough to hold a conversation in a place like this under normal circumstances. It was a miracle that I could hear her at all. 

“Uhm. The Martrix?” I asked. 

“Do you want to know what the Martrix is?” Jasmine asked rhetorically. 

“Sure,” I replied. 

“The Martrix is all around us. It is the world we live in. It is the reason we cannot live happily together.” Jasmine stated.

‘Wow, this girl has some serious mental issues. I wonder if this is good or bad when it comes to sex?’ I thought and replied, “I hear you, Jasmine. We need to deal with the Martrix and set ourselves free.” 

“Yes. We need to find Martin, give him acid, and use this contrived technology to enter his mind. Only then can we change our destinies.” Jasmine stated. 

I meant to answer. ‘Sounds good. Martin is already passed out on acid at my apartment so this will be easy.’ However, I did answer, “Wait, what does Martin have to do with any of this?” 

“Martin is the author’s projection into this world. Everything bad that happens to us is because of him.” Jasmine exclaimed. 

Jasmine’s revelation put me in a tough spot. If I brought her back to my apartment, I would endanger my friend. However, Martin’s suggestion that I should flirt with Sandra Thornton had endangered me the week before, so it was payback time. 

“Martin is in my apartment. He is unconscious on acid.” I stated. 

“Urrghh.. Why didn’t you tell me this before? That would have saved us a lot of time.” Jasmine grumbled. “Well, I could not know the importance of this information at that stage,” I replied. 

“You are right. Silly me.” Jasmine said and kissed me. 

As she kissed me, I felt like I was in heaven as our souls connected and became one. I knew one thing. It was time to go full Inception on Martin if that’s what it took for me to find love and end my cycle of miserable dates. Next stop, my apartment.

***

As we came back to my apartment, Martin was still asleep, mumbling dialogue pieces from his latest novel. I felt pity for Martin’s partner Elaine. If she had to listen to this gibberish every night, she was better off being single.

“Great, everything is set up. We can do this.” Jasmine enthused. 

“Uhm, sure. What exactly do we need to do?” I asked. 

“We need to enter Martin Lundgren’s mind to access Martin Lundqvist’s mind. Once we are in Martin’s mind, we need to find our world and make sure that we get a happy ending.” Jasmine claimed. 

“What will happen otherwise?” I asked. 

“If we don’t stop Martin, you’ll suffer through an endless cycle of absurd dating scenarios while I will have to live an unfulfilling life as a supporting character who is turning you down against my will,” Jasmine revealed. 

“Well, we can’t have that. Let’s give him some more acid and fuck up his mind to get the life we deserve.” I said. 

Said and done, we gave Martin some more acid, while also taking some more ourselves. Having done this, Jasmine connected me and Martin to a ridiculous plot device, which caused me to pass out and enter Martin’s mind of fiction stories. 

*Swoosh*

***

As I opened my eyes, I was in a strange underground cavern. A throng of large man-eating beasts surrounded me. How lucky that this was a dream otherwise I would be in trouble. A hideous humanoid female with purple eyes, thick lizard-like skin, and razor-sharp claws approached me. 

“Greetings, human. What brings you to Xenora?” The humanoid hissed. 

“Uhm, I came to the wrong place. I meant to go to Sydney in the year 2022.” I replied. 

“I don’t know what any of that means. However, I do know one thing. It has been a long time since I copulated with a human.” The humanoid replied.

I looked at the hideous alien. It was a big no from me. Death was a preferable outcome, if Jasmine’s prediction were correct, that I would suffer an endless cycle of outlandish dating failures unless I changed Martin’s mind. 

“I am not going to have sex with you, hideous creature,” I replied. 

“No-one is rejecting the command of Empress Rangda Kaliankan!” Rangda hissed. 

“Well, tough luck. I did.” I replied, realising that I had probably signed my death penalty. 

Rangda did something unexpected. Instead of tearing me to shreds, she pushed a button on a device, and she appeared as a stunning naked Greek woman.

“How about this form? Helen of Troy is the most beautiful woman in the history of humankind. Surely, you can’t resist me now.” Rangda seduced.

Wow, this was a tough one. On the one hand, I have an extreme preference for East Asian women. On the other hand, I was facing Helen of Troy the most beautiful woman in the history of humankind. Against such beauty, one must be a full-on Nazi to not appreciate a woman’s allure because of racial differences. 

I reminded myself that underneath the beauty of Helen of Troy there was the hideous Rangda Kaliankan. This helped me stay faithful to my future partner to be, Jasmine Xi. 

“I reject you, Rangda Kaliankan. Because I know about the hideousness that lurks behind your beautiful façade.” I proclaimed. 

“Congratulations, Geoffrey. You have passed my test. Go to Earth and meet my servant, Martin Orchard. In his mind, lies your key to changing your destiny.” Rangda said and opened a portal. “Thank you, Empress Rangda,” I said and walked towards the portal. I felt happy that I had survived my encounter with the hideous creature and her throng of man-eating monsters. 

Next stop, Earth.

***

“Pond, Jared Pond.” 

As I opened my eyes, I was sitting at the Star Casino in Sydney, which was not far away from my apartment. I saw a goofy man, who was trying to pick up a gorgeous woman. I didn’t recognise the man, but I recognised the name. Jared Pond was a series about a goofy Australian secret agent, who always messed up his missions, and yet always landed the girl in the end. While he wasn’t the best source of career advice, I would love to learn about womanizing from him.

I brushed off the idea. I couldn’t learn anything from Jared Pond unless I entered Martin’s mind and changed my future. Without affecting Martin’s mind, any knowledge I could absorb from Jared would be useless.

Arriving next to Jared Pond did have a positive effect. Jared existed in the same fictional universe as Martin Orchard, thus I could enlist Jared’s help to find and confront Martin in this world. 

“Jared Pond, I need your help,” I said to Jared. 

“Sorry, but Natalie also needs my help. And I have to prioritise a damsel in distress.” Jared replied. “Nah, I am good. You can speak to Geoffrey.” Natalie said and walked off. 

I stared at Natalie as she walked off. As it would seem, I existed in this fictional world as well. Who could have guessed?

“Woah, you cockblock. Why did you do that?” Jared grumbled. 

“I need your help. I need to find Martin Orchard. If you help me, you can finally get acknowledged for being the greatest agent Australia has ever seen.” I said. 

“Oh, but alas, I am no longer working for RAKI. Being the ex-partner of President Eileen Lu, I am considered too famous to be a secret agent. Besides, my former boss at RAKI captured me and sold me to Chinese captivity. This episode has destroyed my desire to protect Australia.” Jared ranted. “Yet, I need to find Martin Orchard. I am sure you can find it in yourself to do the right thing.” I replied.

Jared nodded and replied. “You passed the test, Geoffrey. I will open a portal that will take you to Martin’s Kiribatian mansion.” 

After Jared had opened the portal, I hurried through. I needed to hurry as it would be unfortunate if our acid trips wore off before I had changed my destiny. Next stop, Kiribati.