I’d been so worried about Randall that I could hardly focus on my normal life. I was so afraid he’d done something to himself. That fear in his eyes the last time I saw him a week ago… It haunted me. It gave me anxiety. I’d hoped to see him at the gym the next day, or the day after that, but even though I spent hours waiting for him every evening, he never showed up.

I should’ve followed him and made sure he was all right, but that angry gaze he gave me had stopped me and frozen my soul. He did not want me to follow him… But I still should have.

I should have…

Since he wasn’t showing up at the gym, I had to find out where he worked. I couldn’t sleep my nights not knowing if he was all right, so I searched him up. Lucky for me, there were only a few car shops around here, so finding the right one took me only one evening.

His boss gave me a weird look when I sighed in relief after he told me I’d just missed him, that he’d already left for the day. I didn’t explain that I was just so damn relieved to hear he was still coming to work. And… Alive. I just gave him an envelope with a short letter from me, and the DVD I promised to bring him.

I hoped Randall would contact me. He didn’t. At least he was still coming to work, so… I mean… I’d lost too many people to suicide…

And I could tell Randall wasn’t doing well at all.

The following few days were a blur. I tried to accept the fact that Randall didn’t want to contact me. Maybe he never wanted to see me again. I just wished I knew why… I feared I had flirted way too hard with him, and I’d made him uncomfortable, or worse… That I’d triggered something bad he was carrying in him.

Because whatever it was that had made him cry and leave the gym without entering it a week ago… I knew it was my fault.

He was on my mind that night as well while I was at work. I wanted to see him and talk to him so I could make sure he was all right, and apologize if I did something wrong. I partly considered going to see him while he was at work, but I didn’t want to ambush him like that. I had to respect his wish not to see me. He knew where to find me if he wanted to see me.

It was a very slow night, so it was just me and Gina at the bar. I chatted with a couple of customers, then went to clean the only two tables that had been used in the past hour.

I wished Randall was all right… That he was safe and with people who cared about him…

I finished cleaning… I turned around…

And Randall stood there, right behind my window, looking in like a lost child. I froze, thinking I’d gone mad and was now seeing Randall’s ghost or something. He looked like a ghost. His eyes were wide, fearful, and his face was pale. 

But he was not a ghost. He was real, and he’d come to me. Maybe he was looking for help… He looked so lost and scared… I couldn’t just let him leave again. He hadn’t spotted me, so I quickly made my way to the door, readying myself to run after him if he tried to leave. I didn’t quite reach it when he suddenly turned to look straight at me. His eyes widened even more when he saw me watching him. I smiled at him soothingly and tried to gesture for him to come inside…

But he immediately turned around and started walking fast. I couldn’t let him leave, so I rushed out to stop him. I couldn’t stop feeling like he needed my help, but didn’t know how to ask. I had to try… I had to at least try to offer my help…

I had a really bad feeling about this… He was so afraid…

“Hey, hey, hey…” I said, trying to stay as calm as possible, even though my heart was racing. He wasn’t stopping… “Please! I want to talk with you.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he said, his voice hard and cold.

I thought fast and came up with something completely irrelevant to say to distract him, since I already knew my pleas wouldn’t stop him. I had to keep trying…

“Did you like the movie?”

He slowed down!

“It was all right,” he said, his voice already much softer.

“Do you now understand why I love it so much?” I asked, feeling hopeful.

“Yeah…” he breathed out, but then his anger flared up, and he sprung around to yell at me. “No. No! Leave me alone! I’m not talking to you anymore!”

“But why? Please, tell me what’s wrong,” I begged.

“Nothing is wrong,” he said, and turned back around to keep going.

But I could feel it… His need for help. For my help. He wouldn’t be here, crying alone just outside my bar, if he didn’t need my help. I had to keep trying…

“I know you’re struggling. I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I know that look. I want you to know you’re not alone. I can talk a lot, but I’m also a good listener if you ever need someone to vent to. Or if you just want to have a beer, that’s fine too. I opened this bar so people like us can have a safe place to hang out and have fun.”

He turned to face me yet again, his entire posture, his eyes, and expression full of hate and anger. He opened his mouth, but suddenly… suddenly all that anger left him. The pain returned, and he just stood there, confused, lost, and scared.

I could almost hear his plea for my help…

“How about a beer? On the house?” I said tentatively, silently begging for him to take my offer. “I promise to stay out of your hair, but… I feel like you could use a warm place to stay for a moment.”

“I do have a home,” he said.

“I don’t think you should be alone,” I said, taking a step back to the front door, hoping he would follow me if I got out of his way.

“Why would you think that?” he asked, and he took a step after me.

“I wonder why…” I muttered.

And he was following me! He followed me all the way inside, but his fear was still there. His eyes were wide, and his gaze darted from corner to corner like he feared it was a trap, but when I gestured for him to take a seat at the very back, behind the bar counter where he would be left alone, but where I could keep an eye on him, he slowly made his way to it and sat down.

I let out a small sigh of relief, but my fear still remained. The way he stayed in his seat without moving, just staring into nothingness, his eyes wide and body stiff… I feared for him. His eyes were so wide… His body was completely stiff… I wanted to know what he was so afraid of. Someone? Or something?

I brought him a beer, but he didn’t move or look up at me. I left the bottle on the table and retreated behind the registers to keep an eye on him. He didn’t even touch the beer at first. I didn’t know what to do, but I had the feeling he was so overwhelmed that if I tried to talk to him, he would just leave. I let him be like I promised, and just watched him.

But then, little by little, he seemed to calm down. When he finally took the drink and took a sip, I was able to breathe again. I’d feared he would suddenly leave when I wasn’t watching, but maybe he felt safe enough to stay. That was the whole reason I opened my bar. So we could have a safe place to hang out.

And he stayed. His fear subsided, and his body turned softer and calmer. He even shifted in his seat every now and then, and eventually, he started looking around. Once his glass was empty, I brought him a new one without saying a word, but I made sure to smile at him every time our eyes met.

I was glad… I was so happy he was there with me, so I could watch over him. I just had to be very careful not to spook him away.

He did not leave. By the end of the night, as I was closing the bar, he still stayed in his seat. He was so much more relaxed now… I was so happy… I didn’t want him to leave even though we were now closed, so after I was done cleaning up, I grabbed two beers and asked him if the seat opposite of him was taken. He shook his head, so I sat down.