I spent the next few days on Cole’s couch, doing nothing because I still wasn’t allowed to do anything. Cole made sure I was resting. To be honest, I… didn’t really want to do anything. I was feeling a little bit better. It was only a slight improvement, but an improvement, nonetheless, and I feared I’d start spiraling from the smallest of inconvenience. Staying on the couch felt safe.

I’d called my boss after leaving Vaughn’s office, telling him I needed more time off from work. I didn’t give him a lot of details, only that I still wasn’t fit to come back to work, but I was now trying to fix myself. He told me he understood and asked me to call him if I needed anything, but I didn’t need anything. I didn’t want anything.

I was still too numb to want anything.

Truthfully, staying numb was much better than having my father scream in my head, and I wished I could stay in that state of mind, not feeling anything. Part of me didn’t want to have anything to do with therapy, either. I was fine with being this way forever. I was fine with sitting on the couch forever. I was fine with the way I now was. I didn’t need to go see Vaughn on Friday.

That’s why I needed Cole. I needed him to watch over me.

Cole stayed with me during those two days. He had a lot of paperwork to do while I watched TV, trying not to disturb him. I lost count of how many times I forgot the TV and just focused on him, listening to the noises he made from rustling his papers to quiet humming and singing. He did that a lot. It was… soothing.

And that… That made me want to go see Vaughn on Friday. Every time he sang, I was filled with eagerness to go see the old man already, though I couldn’t understand why. What was it about Cole’s singing that made me want to go see my therapist?

It made no sense…

Then Cole had to go back to work. He couldn’t find anyone to take over his shift. I tried to tell him I was fine on my own while he was at the bar, but he refused to listen.

“I’ll tell the others to leave you alone,” he told me reassuringly as we stepped into the break room at the back of his bar.

It wasn’t a large room, but there still was space for a kitchenette and a small table with chairs, a bookshelf, a couch, and a tiny TV on a small table in front of it. The door behind us led straight to the area behind the bar counter, and the door to the dressing rooms and the toilet was on our left.

There wasn’t going to be a lot of peace, quiet, or privacy, that was for sure…

“Okay,” I still muttered, feeling a bit uncomfortable, but then again, I didn’t trust myself, so maybe it was a good idea I stayed here, where Cole could keep a close eye on me while working.

“Just let me know if there’s anything you need. You can have all the drinks and salted peanuts you want, of course. On me,” he said, giving me a playful wink.

“Thanks,” I said, knowing he’d hoped to make me smile. I just… I was too uncomfortable for that. I wasn’t even sure if I was able to smile anymore.

“Make yourself at home,” he said gently, gesturing for me to sit down. “I’m sorry about this…”

“It’s fine,” I told him as I moved to the couch. “I’ll manage.”

He lingered by the door for a moment, watching me, but he couldn’t stay for much longer.

“Just let me know if you need anything,” he repeated quietly, and after I nodded, he stepped back out to start his shift.

I felt bad for him… He was doing so much for me, and what was I giving in return? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I sat down on the couch and spent some time trying to figure out how to turn on the TV, but once I found the remote, I just stared at the screen without seeing anything.

I should be dead.

Where that thought came from so suddenly, I had no idea. It scared me, but at the same time, it felt right. I should’ve died when my father threw that laptop at me right in the beginning. I touched the scar on my forehead. I could still feel the small dent on my skin left behind by the big wound. It should’ve killed me.

I tried to force that thought out of my head and gave my attention to the small room instead. It reminded me of Cole’s home. It was just as cluttered. Then I realized most of the stuff around me had to be his. The curtains, the table, the chairs in the corner, the bookshelf that was mostly filled with files, old magazines, and weird decorations from plastic frogs to glass jars. But it was very clean. I couldn’t spot much dust or dirt anywhere.

I got up and went to pick up a wooden Buddha statue from the shelf. It was right next to a Pokémon toy. I studied it for a moment, not really caring about it, so I put it back down and picked up a magazine from the pile. Cars. The next one was about hunting. The one after that was about knitting.

No one bothered me while I went through the stuff in the room, picking them up one by one to take a better look. It was somehow calming. A while later, I found myself exploring the hallway leading to the dressing rooms. I found the bathroom too, and wasn’t surprised to find out it looked similar to the one in Cole’s apartment.

When I returned to the TV and sat down, I was finally able to focus on watching it. Though it took only around five minutes for Cole to peek his head into the room.

“Did you find the toilet?” he asked.

“I did, yeah,” I replied.

“Everything is all right?”

“Everything is all right,” I said with a nod.

“Good,” he said, and stepped into the room. “Sorry, I’m a bit bored right now. Slow day…”

I only nodded a few times, but his stare made me a little nervous. It seemed like he couldn’t find anything to say either, and as the silence continued, it started feeling awkward.

“Is it… Is it normal to be slow?” I asked, surprising us both.

“Not this slow, no, but it’s a nice day, so maybe they’ll come in later,” he said.

Just when he finished his sentence, I saw a group of four people stepping into the bar. I raised my eyebrow at him.

“Or, you know, now,” he said and chuckled. “You need anything before I go?”

“I’m good,” I told him.

“Okay. I’ll be back later,” he promised, and stepped out.

I watched him serve the new people. He was so upbeat when he welcomed them… He clearly loved his job. He chatted with the group like they were his good friends, but it was clear he didn’t know them.

“I wish I’d heard about this place sooner!” one of them, a tall woman, told him cheerily, and her friends nodded enthusiastically. “A bar for us is exactly what we’ve missed!”

I tuned out of the conversation right away and turned to stare at the TV, again not actually seeing it. But her words had already stirred something in me.

A bar for us… A gay bar…

Suddenly, I remembered standing outside this very place, staring at the flag, wanting to burn it. Not just the flag, the whole bar. I hadn’t forgotten the rage I felt the day I saw it for the first time. And now its owner was the sole reason I was still alive.

But if I hadn’t met Cole, would things be different? If this bar didn’t exist, would I have tried to kill myself?

No? No. I’d still be living that empty life. Work. Working out. TV. Sleep. I’d still live that empty life with nothing or no one disturbing me or the balance I’d built for myself.

I carefully peered at Cole. He was laughing as he poured another drink. The group was still there, staring at him like he was something miraculous.

Maybe because he was something miraculous…

I looked away from him again. The way those people stared at Cole reminded me of myself as I’d stared at him at the gym back when I still didn’t even know his name. The way I’d felt back then… I wanted that feeling back. That odd feeling I was always filled with whenever he arrived at the gym.

I spent a while in my memories, mostly thinking of him and all the things he’d made me feel. I wasn’t aware of the fact that things quieted down in the bar, not until I heard quiet humming. I turned to look out the door and saw Cole arranging the cabinets. I watched him for a while, but when someone passed by the counter, I turned to look away.

But I still listened. Little by little, I let my eyes fall closed so I could hear him better… And that one thought appeared again.

I wished it was Friday already.

A few hours later, Cole joined me in the break room, but this time, he closed the door behind him.

“I’m starving. You hungry?” he asked with a smile as he walked to the kitchenette behind me and opened the fridge.

“I guess,” I muttered, standing up.

“Come,” he told me and gestured at the table. “You’ll get to taste the most wonderful microwave dinner created on earth!”

How could anyone be so enthusiastic about food? It was just fuel. I watched as he pulled two containers out of the fridge, opened the lids, and put one in the microwave.

“I promise, it’s great,” Cole continued as I sat down at the table.

“I’m sure,” I only said.

He stopped to stare at me, his smile fading a little. I hated that. I hated it because it was my fault his excitement was quickly vanishing.

“I mean, it has to be, if you say so,” I said, trying to save the situation. “I… You… You have a good taste in… food…”

Oh God… I was better off keeping my mouth shut.

But his smile returned.

“Thanks,” he said cheerily. “You’re not bored, are you?”

I shrugged. “Watching TV is the only thing you ever let me do, so…”

“Oh… Right,” he said, tousling his hair with an awkward grin. “I just… I want you to take it easy for now.”

“I guess I need that,” I muttered, turning to look out of the window.

The backyard of the building was quiet, and there wasn’t much else to see than a parking lot and a small, empty playground. The weather was surprisingly nice after countless days of dull rain.

The microwave let out a ding, and Cole took the food out.

“Here, this is yours,” he spoke quietly, and I turned to look at him when he placed a plate of rice and curry in front of me.

“Smells good,” I said.

It wasn’t really a lie, but… it was just food.

“Let me know if it’s hot enough,” Cole said and turned his attention to his own food.

I grabbed a fork and started eating. It wasn’t smoldering hot, which was fine by me. Faster to eat, since I didn’t have to worry about burning my mouth.

“It’s very good,” I said, humoring him.

He turned to flash a big smile at me. “Told you so.”

I froze to stare at his back. He started humming while he waited for his food. When I realized what I was doing, I turned back to my food. I suppose I could say it actually tasted good.

For mere fuel.