I spent the next few days on Cole’s couch, doing nothing, since I still wasn’t allowed to do anything. Cole made sure I was resting. To be honest, I still didn’t even want to do anything. I was feeling a little bit better, but it was only a slight improvement.

I had called my boss after leaving Vaughn’s office, telling him I needed more time off from work. I didn’t give him a lot of details, only that I still wasn’t fit to come back to work and I was now trying to fix myself. He told me to call him if I needed anything, but I didn’t need anything. I didn’t want anything.

The truth was that I was numb. It was much better than having my father scream at me in my head, and I wished I could stay in that state of mind, not feeling anything, forever. Part of me didn’t want to have anything to do with therapy. I was fine with being this way forever. I was fine with sitting on the couch forever. I was fine the way I now was. I didn’t need to go see Vaughn on Friday.

That was why I needed Cole. I needed him to watch over me.

Cole stayed with me during those two days. He had a lot of paperwork to do while I watched TV, trying not to disturb him. I lost count of how many times I forgot the TV and just focused on him, listening to the noises he made from rustling his papers to him humming or singing something. He did that a lot. It was… soothing.

And that… That made me want to go see Vaughn on Friday. I couldn’t understand why Cole’s singing was the reason I wanted to go through therapy. Every time he sang, I was filled with eagerness to go see the old man already.

What was it…?

Then Cole had to go back to work. He couldn’t find anyone to take over his shift. I tried to tell him I was fine on my own while he was at the bar, but he refused to listen.

“I’ll tell the others to leave you alone,” he told me reassuringly as we stepped into the small break room of his bar.

I stared at the small couch and the old TV at the opposite end of the room. The bar was behind us, and there was another door on the left where the dressing rooms and the restroom were, according to Cole.

“Okay,” I muttered, not feeling comfortable about the idea, but then again… I didn’t trust myself, so maybe it was for the best that I stayed here, where Cole could keep a close eye on me while working.

“Just let me know if there’s anything you need. You can have all the drinks and salted peanuts you need, of course. On me,” he said, giving me a playful wink.

“Thanks,” I said, knowing he had hoped to make me smile. I just… I was too uncomfortable for that. I wasn’t sure if I was even able to smile anymore.

“Make yourself at home,” he said gently, gesturing for me to go sit down. “I’m sorry about this…”

“It’s fine,” I told him as I moved to the couch. “I’ll manage.”

He lingered by the door for a moment before he nodded and stepped out to start his shift. I felt bad for him… He was doing so much for me, and what was I giving in return? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I sat down on the couch and spent some time trying to figure out how to turn on the TV. But once I found the remote, I just stared at the screen without seeing anything.

I should be dead.

Where that thought came from so suddenly, I had no idea. It scared me, but at the same time, it felt right. I should’ve died when my father threw that laptop at me right in the beginning. I touched the scar on my forehead. I could still feel the small dent on my skin left behind by the big wound. It should’ve killed me.

I tried to force that thought out of my head and turned to look around in the small room. The room reminded me of Cole’s home. It was just as cluttered. Then I realized most of the stuff around me had to be his. The curtains, the table and the chairs in the corner, the bookshelf that was mostly filled with files, old magazines, and weird decorations from plastic frogs to glass jars. But it was very clean. I couldn’t spot much dust or dirt anywhere.

I got up and went to pick up a wooden Buddha statue from the shelf. It was right next to a Pokémon toy. I studied it for a moment, not really caring about it, so I put it back down and picked up a magazine from the pile. Cars. The next one was about hunting. The one after that was about knitting.

No one bothered me while I went through the stuff in the room, picking them up one by one to take a better look. It was somehow calming. A while later, I found myself exploring the hallway leading to the dressing rooms. I found the bathroom too, and I wasn’t surprised to find out it looked similar to the one in Cole’s apartment.

When I returned to the Tv and sat down, I was finally able to focus on watching it. Though it took only around five minutes for Cole to peek his head around the corner.

“Did you find the toilet?” he asked.

“I did, yeah,” I replied.

“Everything is all right?”

“Everything is all right,” I nodded.

“Good,” he said, and stepped into the room. “Sorry – I’m a bit bored right now. Slow day…”

At first, I only nodded. His stare was making me shift in my seat, and as the silence continued, I started feeling awkward.

“Is it… Is it normal to be slow?” I asked, surprising us both.

“Not this slow, no, but it’s a nice day, so maybe they’ll come in later,” he smiled.

Just when he finished his sentence, I saw a group of four people stepping into the bar. I raised my eyebrow at him.

“Or, you know, now,” he chuckled. “You need anything before I go?”

“I’m good,” I told him.

“Okay. I’ll be back later,” he promised, and stepped out.

I watched him serve the new people. He was so upbeat when he welcomed them… The longer I watched him, the clearer it became that he loved his job. He chatted with the group like they were his closest friends for a long time, even though it was clear he didn’t know them.

“I wish I’d hear about this place sooner!” one of the people, a tall woman, told him cheerily, and her friends nodded enthusiastically. “A bar for us is exactly what we’ve been missing!”

I tuned out of the conversation right away and turned to stare at the TV, again not actually seeing it.

A bar for us… A gay bar…

Suddenly, I remembered standing outside this very place, staring at the flag, wanting to burn it down. Not just the flag, the whole bar. I hadn’t forgotten the rage I felt the day I saw it for the first time. And now its owner was the sole reason I was still alive.

But if I hadn’t met Cole, would things be different? If this bar didn’t exist, would I have tried to kill myself?

No? No. I’d still be living that empty life. Work. Working out. TV. Sleep.

I carefully peered at Cole. He was laughing while he poured another drink. The group was still there, staring at him like he was something miraculous.

Maybe because he was something miraculous…

I looked away from him again. They stared at him like I’d stared at him at the gym back when I still didn’t even know his name. I wanted that feeling back. That odd feeling I’d always been filled with whenever he arrived at the gym.

I spent a while in my memories, mostly thinking of him and all the things he’d made me feel. I wasn’t aware of the fact that things quieted down in the bar, not until I heard quiet humming. I turned to look out the door again and saw Cole arranging the cabinets. I watched him for a while, but when someone passed by the counter, I turned to look away.

But I still listened. A little by little, I started closing my eyes so I could hear him better… And that one thought appeared again.

I wished it was Friday already.

A few hours later, Cole joined me in the break room, but this time, he closed the door behind him.

“I’m starving. You hungry?” he asked with a smile as he walked to the kitchenette behind me and opened the fridge.

“I guess,” I muttered, standing up.

“Come,” he told me and gestured at the table. “You’ll get to taste the most wonderful microwave dinner created on earth!”

How could anyone be so enthusiastic about food? It was just fuel. I watched as he pulled two containers out of the fridge, opened the lids, and put one in the microwave.

“I promise, it’s great,” Cole continued as I sat down at the table.

“I’m sure,” I only said.

He stopped to stare at me, his smile fading a little. I hated that. I hated it even more because it was my fault his excitement was quickly vanishing.

“I mean, it has to be, if you say so,” I said, trying to save the situation. “I… You… You have a good taste in… food…”

Oh God… I was better off keeping my mouth shut.

But his smile returned.

“Thanks,” he said cheerily. “I hope you’re not bored.”

I shrugged. “Watching TV is the only thing you ever let me do, so…”

“Oh… Right,” he said, tousling his hair with an awkward grin. “I just… I want you to take it easy for now.”

“I guess I need that,” I muttered, turning to look out of the window.

The backyard of the building was quiet, and there wasn’t much else to see than a parking lot and a small, empty playground. The weather was surprisingly nice after countless days of rain.

The microwave let out a ding, and I heard Cole taking the food out.

“Here, this is yours,” he spoke quietly, and I turned to look at him when he placed a plate of rice and curry in front of me.

“Smells good,” I said.

It wasn’t really a lie, but… it was just food.

“Let me know if it’s hot enough,” Cole said before turning his attention to his own food.

I grabbed a fork and started eating. It wasn’t smoldering hot, which was fine by me. Faster to eat when I didn’t burn my mouth with it.

“It’s very good,” I humored him.

He turned to flash a big smile at me. “Told you so.”

I froze for a moment to stare at his back when he started humming. Then I turned to look at my food again. I suppose I could say it actually tasted good.

For mere fuel.