As told by Nathan Dillon

I'm so stupid. And so broken. What the fuck is wrong with me? If I had a quarter for every time I've asked myself that question I'd already have enough cash to hire a hitman to end me and free the world of my assholery.

I should be drooling over Amanda. I'm not blind; I see how people discreetly eat her up with their eyes when we are out. She's gorgeous from head to toe, and according to most of my friends and family, considerably out of my league. And, inexplicably, she's into me. In every way.

And yet, I just can't… I don't even know how to explain it. When she kisses me, when she touches me– nothing happens. I mean, I feel the contact. It just doesn't trigger any reaction other than discomfort, or indifference at best.

It's not her. I don't think I've ever felt attracted to anyone. I've spent all my life trying to understand what's wrong with me. Girls never caught my attention in any way, so I thought, well, I must be gay. But the thing is, I'm not interested in men either. 

I'm not interested in anyone, to be honest.

I'm not being honest.

I am attracted to someone. And I just know there's something… not right with my head, or my body, or both, because when it comes to Eli, all those numb emotions and feelings and reactions explode like fireworks.

I'm such a piece of shit. I shouldn't be dating Mandy when I'm still hopelessly pining for someone else.

But I have no choice. I will never stop hopelessly pining for him. Believe me; I've tried. Nothing works. Nothing takes my mind off him. Even if I force myself to date other people, if I bury myself in my work or studies, if I exhaust my body at basketball practice. He's always there, in my head, laughing at me in that lovely, cheerful way of his, because he knows that no matter what I do, the thought of him is permanently attached to the back of my mind.

I fell in love with him when I was a kid and never got over it. Never. I'm so fucked up.

It sucks. It sucks, because all the things I don't give a shit about other people become obsessions when it's about him. I want to date him. I want to kiss him, touch him, take him out. All the things I do with Amanda, I imagine what it would be like to do them with him. 

It kills me, pretending everything's all right. Soothing my heart and even my breathing when we hang out together. Keeping a poker face every time he blabs about his current boyfriend, or half-assing a smile when I'm forced to meet the lucky fucker.

I'm so jealous it turns my stomach. And yet, I can't even get angry, because– what, what am I gonna do about it? Kick the dudes he dates in the nuts and steal him away, and elope towards the sunset?

Bullshit. I don't have the balls. And even if I did, my life, and his life, and the lives of everyone I love would become such a mess. So many things could go wrong I get dizzy even pondering about the consequences. I couldn't possibly fuck things up like that for him just because I'm lovesick.

Besides, Eli will never look at me in that way anyway. 

For him, I'll always be this eternal little brother he pretty much adopted in Elementary School. He's been looking after me his whole life. It's a dynamic I don't know how to change, and to be honest, I feel kind of gross just thinking about it. Imagine how shocked he'd be if suddenly it was revealed he is the recurrent star of his little Natei's wet dreams. I feel disgusting.

And yet I love him so much I can't move on. I can't force myself to feel this way about anyone else. He owns me, body and soul. 

Alejo says it was cute at first, but by now it's been way too long, and it's genuinely unhealthy. No shit. What kind of sick fuck feels like this about his childhood friend? I'm so messed up I'd punch myself in the head.

The look on Amanda's face when I blurted out that string of bullshit excuses to avoid spending the night with her was awful. I felt like a complete jerk. And yet I had no choice. I simply can't do this with her. My whole being rejects the idea to the point of making me feel physically ill. Besides, and I know I'm such an idiot for this… I feel I'd be betraying Eli. I know. I'm a moron.

She stormed off; of course she did. I can't blame her at all. I cringed so hard listening to myself; I can't even wonder how she must have felt. But I was still so shamelessly relieved when she left. 

I don't know how much longer I'll manage to weasel my way out of this. I'll have to do it eventually. And soon. She's impatient. She probably thinks I don't find her attractive or something. Which I don't, but not in the way she thinks. How can I explain it to her when I can't even understand it myself?

I don't know what to do. If this goes on, she'll dump me, or throw an ultimatum at the very best. 

If she breaks up with me, my life will be hell. My father will kill me, and everyone around me.

I walked home in a rush, after noticing I had missed my curfew. My father expected me at home no later than 12, unless I had a good reason to stay out. And by good reason, he meant “satisfying the needs of the senator's girl”. I'm not proud, but I used that excuse a lot. It was the only way to get him out of my hair when I wanted to spend the night at Eli's or stay out late with him. It was so disgusting, though. Having to notify my father every time I was supposedly having sex with my girlfriend. I pushed the thought out of my head.

I couldn't control the grim, intrusive thoughts. My head tortured me all the way back home. I was shaking so badly that I had to make a terrible effort to be silent and go upstairs without making any noise. My father had forbidden any kind of disturbance during nighttime. My mom and I were not allowed to use the bathroom or go to the kitchen until morning. His rest was sacred.

I've had panic attacks since I moved to the States. The bullying triggered the first one I've ever had, and it was downhill from there. I thought the fits would stop over time, but they didn't. I am constantly scared of them. I never really know what will trigger them. By the time I realize I am about to have an episode, I am already halfway there, and no amount of self-control or soothing music or coping techniques can help me anymore.

The shivers were a pretty good hint. I was trembling like a leaf. I shut my door, jumped into bed, and tried some breathing exercises.

It wasn't working. If it continued, I'd start having trouble breathing, and gasping for air is noisy. My dad would hear me, wake up, and beat the shit out of me. Which would have been fine for me; I mean, I would be so out of it I'd probably hardly notice, but it would terrify my mother. She'd try to stop him like she always did, and he'd go apeshit on her. She was easier to manhandle. 

I felt the familiar pressure in my chest. I couldn't stop it.

There was only one sound that could soothe me enough to regain some control, or at least go through the fit as silently as possible. I grabbed my phone and pressed the speed dial contact with great difficulty.

I prayed as I heard the tone. Fuck. It was late, too late for him to be– 

“Natei? It's so late, are you OK?”

I didn't mind the sleepy urgency in his voice. It was his voice. I felt a wave of relief so intense it made me dizzy.

“I'm fine,” I whispered. I couldn't quite control my voice. I hoped he wouldn't notice. “I just got home.”

There was silence. He had noticed. He always noticed. He knew me better than myself. He had been by my side through so many panic attacks he was even able to detect them before they even unfolded with the accuracy of a service dog.

“I see. Almost 1 AM, you charmer! Had a big night, casanova?” he suddenly teased, in an upbeat manner. I recognized the tone. He was trying to distract me with nonsense. I let him.

“Well. Uhm. Not exactly. I mean… she wanted me to go home with her,” I whispered, making an effort to sound nonchalant. “But I… I couldn't.”

“Well, you do have early practice tomorrow morning,” he said, granting me a gracious way out of the awkwardness. “You get all sluggish when you don't sleep well. I'm sure she'll understand.”

I took a deep breath. I was still shaking, but breathing was marginally less painful now. Surprisingly, talking about the prickly topic was actually helping. 

“I did mention the practice thing, but I don't think she bought it,” I sighed, “She's not stupid, Li. It's just... I don't feel a real connection yet. I like her a lot, but… she's going too fast for me. I mean, we've only been together for just… uhm… just…”

“Five months next Friday, Natei,” sighed Eli. “One more month and it's gonna be half a year. I get why she's a bit eager to get things moving, to say it nicely.”

I was flabbergasted.

“Five months? Next week?”

“Mh-hm.”

“You sure?”

“Pretty much.”

“Damn. I'm the crappiest boyfriend ever.”

“You're not the crappiest boyfriend ever, sweetheart,” he laughed. “You're just inexperienced. But worry not; I'm here to salvage this mess. Now we have plenty of time to find her a nice anniversary present.”

I groaned. He laughed again.

“Five months is a pretty respectable time, so it requires a pretty respectable present,” he sanctioned, thoughtfully.

“I'll get her a box of chocolates or something,” I said, tiredly. “I saw a box that came with a stuffed animal in the big drugstore near campus–“

“Nathan. Dillon,” he exclaimed, scandalized. “You are NOT giving her drugstore chocolates. Besides, she hates sweet stuff! Where were you this afternoon?”

“I was busy with that sexy-ass Darcy's special limited edition créme-bruleé,” I answered, reminiscing that glorious creamy bit of Heaven. “You guys were talking so much I figured you didn't need me.”

“It was probably for the best,” he mumbled, cryptically. “Anyway. What about a really fancy bouquet? A big one. Roses. Nothing beats roses. Does she like flowers?”

I hesitated.

“Uh… I guess?”

“NATHAN. Oh my God.”

“You know I'm not good with this relationship crap, Li. She knows that too.”

He scoffed. I smiled. I could tell he was holding back laughter.

“You're hopeless,” he said, at last. “Did you know that, Natei? You'll be the end of me.”

“I'd say it's too late to complain,” I declared, hating how my voice softened on its own. “Like, 14 years too late. You've survived this long by my side, haven't you?”

“Maybe it's too late for me, but not for poor Amanda!” he retorted, amused. “Being hopeless doesn't give you the right to go all Neanderthal on her, mister. You better shape up, or she'll dump your sorry behind.”

“Fine, fine, you win. I promise I'll be the best boyfriend ever– if you buy her a present for me.”

He laughed again and was scolding me adorably when I heard a door slam open.

My blood froze in my veins.

Eli shut up at once, mid-sentence. He had heard the noise.

“Your dad,” he guessed, worriedly, in a whisper, as if he could hear him.

“Yeah.”

“You have to–”

“Yeah.”

“Bye, Nat–“

I hung up. I heard the echo of the angry steps down the hall. If my father saw Eli's contact picture on my phone, I was done for. He didn't know we were still in touch.

He hit my door open just as I placed my phone on my nightstand.

“You were on that damn phone again, weren't you?” he inquired, furious. “How many times do I have to tell you that phones are not allowed during night hours for you to understand? Do you need me to spell it out in Spanish for you?”

I flinched. My stomach was in knots. I had to force myself to speak, and when I did, my voice was hoarse with fear.

“Dad, so– I'm so– so sorry to wake you up, I– I was–“

“STOP. Mumbling,” he ordered, gritting his teeth with impatience. “Do you know what time it is, you little shit? Have you no consideration at all? Who the fuck were you talking to at 1 in the morning?”

“My girlfriend,” I blurted, in a panic. “Amanda. Amanda Wentsworth. The senator's– your client's–”

“I know damn well who she is,” he interrupted. He calmed down a bit.

“I went out with her today,” I added, weakly. “I was making sure she got home OK.”

“You should have walked her home,” he grumbled. “That's what men do. You're always messing up even the simplest shit. What's the senator gonna say when she tells him her useless boyfriend let her go at night on her own? I'm tired of covering up for you, boy.”

“I'm sorry, sir.”

He looked at me as if I was a piece of garbage. I didn't mind. That's how I felt anyway.

“Go to sleep at once,” he ordered, going back to his room. “ And you better perform as you should at practice tomorrow. I'll stop by to talk to your coach next week. Have I made myself clear?”

“Yes, sir.”

Only when I heard his door close at the end of the hall did I dare to move. I quietly got into my bed and looked up at the roof.

My world was gray. Pointless. 

Just a long, never-ending stream of disappointed expectations and fuck-ups.

I truly was hopeless. I let everyone down.

I felt the burn of tears coming. I shook my head and grabbed my phone.

Good night, Li.

I got a text back almost immediately.

Good night, sweetheart.

I smiled. I'd see him tomorrow night. Nothing else really mattered.

Nothing else mattered.