A month had passed since then, and Kari and I still haven't talked. Although I wasn't too lonely because D was there to help me through it. We got to know each other over the month- 4th just didn't feel the same without her but even still, came to an important conclusion.

I was hanging out at his house in his room and we are just talking,

" So what do you think about that venus colony? You think we could save the human race with space exploration?" he asks, leaning back in his desk chair.

I look up from my phone and think about the question,

" I think we wouldn't be human beings anymore, space can change so much about a person and if we start having kids in space then we'd stop being humans and start being something completely different. I think space would mean the end of humanity and the beginning of something new, now?"

" Yeah, I get it. Like, making a new species of people based on the diets and environment they'd grow up in."

I kept staring at my phone, looking at my and Kari's texts. I just couldn't stop looking at the last thing I said to her and what made it worse is that she never tried to text me back.

" So new question." D starts sliding closer to me to make eye contact.

" Okay, what's the question." I smile, flipping my phone over on my lap.

" How long are you gonna ghost, Kari?"

" What?" immediately became defensive.

" You've been looking at your phone for almost an hour, it's been exactly a month since you've talked and I know she was your first and only friend-"

" Until you." Hoping the flattery would end the conversation.

" Yes, until me but you still care for her and I know you want to talk to her. So, what's keeping you from it?"

I take a deep breath, finally giving in to the conversation.

" I don't- she- Look, she lied to me. I can't just forgive her like that- she lied, you know?"

" What did she lie about? I thought you told her about the party and that was it."

" That was it, she lied about being drunk. I apologize for going all the way with her and then she tells me that she pretended to be drunk, just to keep me away from you."

" Wait! You didn't tell me I was involved in this spat." making a flattering face, waiting for me to spill the rest of the tea. I snicker at his silliness and continue to tell him what went down.

" Well, she said that she didn't like that you called me Kim or that we were alone together. The thing is I'm-"

" you're what?" he sits up.

" I- I don't know but I'm just not into you or other...guys. You know?"

" So.. you're gay?"

I hopped up from the bed and started pacing the room, running my fingers through my hair,

" I don't know! I just never found guys attractive like that and I've never had a crush on anyone before. Well except for"

" Kari!?" joining me in my pacing. He was a bit more excited than me but we continued to talk.

" So, you guys had sex because she wanted me? I don't think that makes any sense, Kim. If she wanted me she could've tried something when you left to go to the bathroom."

" What do you mean? She told me that she woke up in your arms and came looking for me?"

" EXACTLY! She woke up in my arms and didn't even look at me. I think she wanted you but thought that you liked me! And all this time you were thinking she wanted me. I feel conflicted, you both thought you wanted me but neither of you did." he giggles and shakes his head, talking back to his seat. I needed to think more so I stood there calculating the probability of D being right.

" So. she did want me, huh?"

" Like duh," he says sarcastically.

I didn't even want to respond, I was too elated. Thinking the person I've always admired could like me too.

" So what should I know? Just tell her I know everything- act like I didn't just ghost her for a month. We've got one more month before school starts again-"

" What does that have to do with anything? You like you and she likes you, what's there to think about? Call her and tell her how you feel." D demands,

" You guys are now my OTP and I need you to get together with your best friend- OH, friends to lovers, that's so cute." he cues.

I looked at him, slightly frustrated, thinking he wasn't taking this as seriously as I was.

" What are you waiting for? No time like the present! Call her, call her, call her!" he chants.

I lift my phone and tap on her Ion in my contacts, I hesitate before hitting the call button.

" Put it on speaker."

" shh, it's ringing." I still put it on speaker so he could hear. It felt like the phone rang forever but in the end, there was only her voicemail message.

*you've reached Kari, I don't have my phone right now so leave a message.*

My heart dropped but I was slightly relieved because I had no idea what I was going to say to her.

" Well, you can always try again or maybe go to her house-"

" NO, are you kidding me? That's too weird right now, what if her mom or dad answers the door? They'd question me or something."

" Well, what's wrong with that?"

" They don't know we had a falling out and they also don't know that Kari and I were at that party."

" OOOoooh. I did not know that." still goofing around. I sigh and flop onto his bed in distress.

" Hey, the fun thing about phones is you can keep calling until you get blocked. Just call her tomorrow, and see how it goes. I'm gonna make a covert thing out of this. Let's call it, ' help my girlfriend get a girlfriend.' what do you think?"

" No. No to all that."

They laugh together and go back to our pointless conversation and hypotheticals, Kimmy keeping Kari in the back of her mind. A few days later Kimmy was feeling a bit better about her pending phone call with Kari, having written out some lines in her notes app on her phone. She pumps herself up in the mirror at home, turning her music to the max volume playing date night music. She sings and dances trying to build up the nerve because D wasn't there to coach her through it and I'd be a little more than disrespectful to add him to a call like this but even so, she texted him when she was ready and he replied with a sappy encouragement text,

' She already likes you, so just tell her you like her back. love ya kid',

She scoffs at the cheesiness and replies with a thumbs up and a scared face, writing

' See you on the other side, as if she were going to war.

She opens her contacts and taps Kari's icon and listens for the ring. Her heart was pounding so hard she almost thought her rib cage would burst open. Ring after ring but no answer,

" you've reached Kari, I don't have my phone right now so leave a message" she hangs up. Feeling dejected and disappointed, she calls D to let him know that the mission was a no-go.

" Damn? Why not just stop by the house and see if she's okay?"

" I would but that feels so weird, If I just show up she might not even let me in the gate."

" Well, what if I go instead? Do you have something of hers that I could bring back or something?"

" No, her dad would freak out if a boy just showed up with her things, I'd think you were screwing and he'd screw you to a wooden post in the backyard. He loves his daughter, D! Like a lot!"

" Okay, I get it. Why are you so serious?"

" Because she's my first friend and my first crush and I don't want to lose her over a misunderstanding. I want this to be perfect but not too constructed. Like, I need to have a plan but not control the whole situation, I just want things to go right."

" Yeah, I get it. It's a big jump and I'm here for you. Look if you'd like I was just riding by and see if she's home. If not I'll text you and let you know, okay?"

" Fine, I guess."

" See, I can be a good helper sometimes." cheerfully said then hung up. Kimmy smiled and then thought about the plan, palming her hand into her face.

" She is surrounded by a large brick fence. How is it gonna even- I have to text him and ask."

She reaches for her phone and before she could even bring up the app she gets a message from D stating the exact dilemma she pondered moments ago. She laughs knowing that all this was kind of silly but she was still determined to make this workout, finally having the courage to face her head-on. She gets into her car and starts driving toward Kari's neighborhood, she pulls up at the gate and rings the bell.

" yes?"

" Hi Mrs. Jackson, it's Kimmy. Is Kari home?"

The was silence for a moment then her father came to the speaker,

" She's gone. Please don't come here again."

" wait but what do you mean she's gone?"

" She's gone. She's not here and we don't know where she could be, we haven't seen her since the 4th. SHE'S GONE!" her father whimpered.

" Look, I can help you look for her if-"

" No, she left us a note. I don't think-" not being able to finish the sentence before breaking down crying.

Kimmy's heart broke completely, not knowing what to say or do.

" I- I'm so sorry."

" She mentioned you- in her note, she mentioned you. She said that you stopped talking to her and she couldn't accept not being your friend."

" That wasn't- I never meant to hurt her, I just wanted time to think."

" I want to blame you, I do. I want to make you responsible for my little girl's death but I know it wasn't you, well, I know it wasn't just you. Listen, there's no reason to come here anymore so please spare us the heartbreak and never come here again."

" Okay."

Pulling away from the gate, she decides to drive to D's place for some comfort.

" Hey, how'd it go?"

" She's dead."

" Don't be so dramatic," he laughs.

" No. She's dead. I talked to her parents and they think it's my fault. SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE OF ME!" she fell to the ground and started weeping and screaming.

" Hey, hey, hey. You couldn't have known she'd do something like that. Come up to the room, I'll get you a hot drink and some ice cream or-"

" No, I just- I don't know what I want right now but I just wish I had talked to her sooner. I- I killed her. I'm a murderer!"

" HEY!" he shouts, grading her face to make eye contact, " You didn't kill anyone, do you hear me? This isn't your fault. I know it's hard and it's gonna be hard for a while but you need to take this in your stride or forever be stuck at this moment. Now, come with me to my room and let me care for you through the first stage of the grieving process, and I'll go over the others when you're feeling a bit better, okay?"

" Okay."

They go upstairs and cuddle platonically while watching Disney movies together. D rubs her shoulder and offers her more ice cream, she obliges and eats a big spoon full as a tear rolls down her face which he wipes away. She looks at him with respect and says,

" If I was straight you'd be the best boyfriend ever."

" Thanks, not many people date me for real companionship so that means a lot, especially coming from such a goofy goober like you." nudging her and cracking a sympathetic smile. The credit started to roll and D asked what she'd like to watch next but Kimmy thought of something different,

" I wanna go to the cliff at the end of your street."

" Hey, don't say scary stuff like that. I just got you as a friend and you eat a lot of my ice cream." taking a serious tone but making sure to keep things light.

" It's not that, I just think about it all the time. It was really pretty when I saw it the night at your party and I just wanna look down there. Kari told me no one goes over there because people died and I just want to know if-"

" If it'll help you cope with all this, we can go but if you try to jump I'm calling someone, you understand me."

" Yeah, come on."

They left the house and started walking down the street to the cliff. On their walk, they run into the same guy that spoke to Kari at the park,

" Oh, I know you fucked one of them!"

They stopped and weren't happy that this guy was there.

" Yo, uh, what happened to that other chick? Weren't you guys hooking up like a few weeks ago?"

" What do you mean?"

" Like, I saw her park her car down by the cliff. The chicks got the ball, I would never get anywhere near that place."

D grabbed his collar and spoke sternly,

" Where did she go?"

" Nowhere man, she just parked there. I thought you guys were getting it on in the back seat or something. Look, I don't know what's going on but I swear I had nothing to do with it." D looked him dead in the eye and let him go,

" He's telling the truth, but it seems you might be right." he says turning to Kimmy, " let's hurry, if there is something down there, then we need to call someone quickly."

Sure enough, we found a body. Forensics showed that she had been there since the fourth of July trapped in her family's car which is why no one found her, until now. My entire world changed that day but not for the worse. I love- I loved her. That fact remains true, a year from then I started dating my first girlfriend and my last. I'm now 23 and about to marry the love of my life. I took Kari's bucket list, and Jasmin and I have taken every summer since her passing to cross one off the list. Every time we go somewhere, we take her ashes with us and sprinkle little bits of her in the most beautiful places so that she's always in paradise. Through me, her spirit lives on.