For me, I think sleeping has been a problem since I've only had a couch, pillow, and blanket for the last few months. I've finally got the money to get something better, so that may help.

It's winter and there's not much to do, even with volunteer work. There's the local Boys and Girls club, but that involves being a mentor towards a kid. Even after counciling for my childhood traumas, I don't have any business around little kids rn.

But I think another reason might be boredom.

I don't have to spend my energy walking on eggshells around my familty now that I've moved out. I got a job in my career field with good hours. I'm still struggling with food and finances, but overall I'm living a quiet life that's been more peaceful than anything I've ever had. I think that peacefulness is hard to take.

Life before was terrifying, but at least terror is a form of excitement. Now that I'm away from that, life has almost become dull. It's not that I don't have things to put my energy towards, they just don't give me that adrenaline-cortisol-rush my brain is used to.

I've looked up stuff that could scratch that itch, but that requires money I don't currently have.

I suppose that, by keeping myself aware of these feelings and continuing to reflect, I'll take more oppurtunities to take action. It's up to me on whether my current stake in life is temporary or not.

I still feel a little bitter, though. If my family just got their acts together, then I wouldn't have found myself in these situations where I had to make the tough decisions to either accept their controlling behaviours and gifts that were secretly transactions or cut them off and strike out almost on my own with less help. I think I very much hate them because their disrespectful and unsafe behaviours - and their choosing to not get help - put me in a position where I had to make the tough decision between mental stability or material stability.

I'm bitter at my society. We're in a capitalist society where the rich are continuously restricting the lower class from leisure time through laws, so it's hard to go otu and make friends with other adults. So adults will try to make personal relationships at work. And then drama ensues. and I'm sure I'm getting off topic, but I'm bitter about this, too.

I'm going to try to keep this new life as together as possible and leave behind that bitterness, but for now I should just do my best to manage those feelings.