I was laying in bed cuz I'm sick and playing mobile games. I started thinking about life, my abusive parents, my pain... and that's when it hit me. What I've always really wanted.

My deepest desire is to be part of a community. A community that in loving, accepting, stable, and builds me up. A community that I love, accept, stabilize, and can help build up.

I learned from a young age that my family was filled with insecure, lying, deceitful people who saw others as means to ends. So I made it my Life's Goal to get away from them. There were times where I was able to succeed, but then it hit me: Now what?

My Life's Goal was complete, so now what do I do?

For better or for worse, I made my life revolve around my shitty parents by making my goal involve them and now I wouldn't know what to do with myself. It happened this time too, when I moved out last November. Sure, I had a new direction in the form of a new career path and I was part of a volunteer group, but I was still feeling unsatisfied. My career is solo remote work and my volunteer work isn't always the healthiest space due to some team members.

Now that I figured out what my deepest wish is, I gotta figure out how to get it.

I sorta got it on an individual level. Being dissociative with an Alter System, I technically made a community within myself, but that's not really enough. I'm glad for it, mostly, but I want a community with other people. I tried getting a job around others, but that wasn't successful. I haven't found much in terms of real life volunteer work. It's been a hit or miss. I'll still look for them, but it may take awhile and some misjudgements.

I think the one thing I can do right now to fulfill my wish and hopefully heal my trauma is to create a community through my projects. Its already working somewhat. I use a software from one of my creative projects and I'm slowly becoming a part of that community by being active on the website. I'm trying to be friendly with my neighbours.

This realization about what I really want excites me but also scares me. I know that it will bring out both the best in me and the worst. I've already seen it. I made a rule for myself not to have desires that involve other people. I've dealt with people like those and their controlling, guilt-tripping, or punitive ways when they tried to rope me into their desires and I showed I didn't want to be a part of it. I've met people who claim they want to be a part of things, but then turn around and destroy the group through gossiping, insecurity, and paranoia. I never want to be either of those people nor have them in my life anymore.

I know that communities in the creative field can easily become a minefield of ego, popularity, and parasocial relationships no matter how careful I am. I've been a part of them enough times and had to leave some - if they didn't implode.

I guess the big question is if I'm willing to find and be a part of a great comminuty. Go through all the shitty ones to find the stable ones.

I mean... I got nothing better to do, lol.

But also because I think I've made some progress. I've found at least one that's alright. I think I just have to manage my pain and trauma from that past to continue to be a part of it.