The cramps eased as the days dragged on, Noa coming to visit me every so often. It was mostly to make sure I was eating or asking if I needed anything, if the pain and bleeding had stopped. The day my first period in years ended, Noa decided we could go to the market, as I felt antsy being cooped up in my room for a week. We took a litter into town at his insistence. He sat across from me in the covered, pillow filled platform, sitting in a crisscross.
It was a short ride into town, and while I had wished I had been able to see the scenery, it was very hot. I would’ve felt silly to ask if we could move the curtain back, letting the unfiltered sun into our cool, shaded box. Noa stepped out of the litter first, holding the curtain open for me to step out. The street was crowded, but everyone instinctively gave us a wide berth, even when we were walking, one or two guards present. They knew who Noa was, and knew it was better to keep out of his way. That only made me wonder what it was he had done to instill such a fear and respect.
He hooked his arm through mine to keep me close to him. Noa had a goal for our shopping trip, but he wasn’t adverse to my fixations upon the foreign objects being sold. I had been staring at all kinds of jewels, some I recognized and some I had never seen; it seemed like there was a jewel for every color in the world, and every jewel for every occasion. “If there’s something you have your eye on, ‘ai’ata,” his hand was on my hip to let me stroke each and every gem if I so desired, “don’t feel shy to ask for it.”
Maybe it was the heat causing sweat to drip down my neck that muddled my brain into picking up a jade bracelet. It was cool even after being exposed to the desert heat, and pleasantly smooth. The seller said I had good taste, and Noa asked if I wanted it. I almost put it back, my idea of manhood wasn’t filled with jewels. It was different here, though, Noa always had on some sort of jewelry, whether it was jangling bracelets, necklaces, or rings. I didn’t have to present myself as one way to keep from being called a freak. I thought about it for a moment longer, letting it weigh down in my hand. “Yes,” I said, “it’s pretty like…your…ey—never mind…” I caught myself, if this was Nate, it wouldn’t have mattered. It wasn’t Nate, it was just a man who looked like him standing next to me. A man I was way too comfortable with because of the physical similarities.
“Would you like to finish your sentence?” He asked after we peeled away from the stall, arms linked once more. I shook my head, telling myself the heat I felt rising in my cheeks was from the desert sun. Mouth open, he paused a moment, closing it and sniffing the air. He pulled me along, tail wagging with excitement. We had more or less deserted our guards at the pace he was walking, a little too fast for my shorter stature. I had half a mind he’d pick me up and start walking with me over his shoulder to get there faster.
We pushed into a mass of people, flashes of color shielding my view of anything else. I felt Noa’s hand grip my mine tighter as he pushed his way through, not wanting to let go of me and risk losing me in the crowd. I started to smell an overwhelming amount of food, it all mixing in something both pleasant and nauseating. It carried through the air, baking in the sun. Noa didn’t seem fazed by overpowering smell, his nose still carrying him to where he wanted to go. When he stopped, he placed me in front of him, hands firmly on my hips, and we waited in a fasted moving line. “Line” was a rather generous term, a mass was much more of what it was. All pushing and jostling for their turn to buy whatever food was being sold.
With food and drink in hand, he practically scared up a table by the stall for us. He set everything down on the small table, and I sat in the wooden chair. The iced drink in front of me looked rather enticing, but I was hesitant to try it. It was quite dark, and I didn’t do to well with bitter things. I looked between the drink and the biscuit shaped lump of sugar, wondering what to try first. I hated anything sweet, ever since I got a cavity. It was painful eating anything sugary with it, and after I had gotten it filled, I became very particular about what I ate afterwards. Sugar equaled pain to me forever afterwards.
“Try it,” he said. He had already eaten half his sugar biscuit. “I can never resist getting some whenever I come to the market.” I broke off a small piece, it dissolved on my tongue before I could ever think to chew it. It was like eating a sugar cube rolled in butter. It sat heavy in my stomach, and I could’ve sworn I felt my teeth start to ache. All I ate from it was the walnut that had been placed on top. I handed him my plate, a concerned look on his face. “Are you not hungry? Or do you feel unwell?”
“No,” I said, “I don’t like it. I absolutely hate anything sweet.” He looked unbelievably shocked. I placed my cheek on my fist while I waited for him to work through what that meant in his head. “Or anything too bitter, or fried, or too greasy, or too fatty,” I added, watching his face twist into horror.
He glanced at his drink, and I knew I wouldn’t like it. I placed the cold glass against my forehead. “Do…Do you only eat fruit and vegetables, then?”
I moved the drink from my face long enough to say, “I eat chicken and fish, too.”
“Where do you come from that that is your staple diet?” It was about time he asked where the strange person who appeared in his bed was from.
“New York,” I said.
“I don’t believe I’m familiar.” I almost rolled my eyes. I knew I was in a whole new world, it wasn’t his fault he was unfamiliar with the towns and states of my own world. “Here,” he slid a small map into my view, “point it out for me.”
I stared at it, at the writing I didn’t understand and the borders that were definitely different from any map I was used to. A small continent to the left with mountains on the southwest and the north. A small island chain hung to the southern part. To the right was a larger continent, mountains and rivers all documented. Past that, was ocean, too big to not hold even a single documented island. They must have gone west first, assumed the first land mass they encountered was all there was left to the world. The islands were probably already known by whoever lived on that small continent. I slid his map back to him. “Not on there.”
“What do you mean, ‘ai’ata?” He asked. “Surely you must come from somewhere in the Empire. Or do you come from those pesky little islands? But your skin is much fairer…perhaps you meant Ny’yom’a? Maybe your blessing from Washi’imu shrunk your ears?”
“Look,” I put the drink down. “I’m not from your Empire, from those islands, or from this Ny’yom’a.” I ruffled my own hair, needing to feel like myself for this. I even thought of leaning into my New York accent more than I normally would have. “I’m from New York, alright? I got drunk off my ass after my boyfriend dumped me, probably got mugged on my way home, and next thing I know I woke up in your bed.” I pushed my finger into the table. “We could’ve done this sooner if you’d asked me the moment I appeared. But there was no ‘Where are you from, Sae?’ You just sniffed me and told me I was going to have your children.” I wiped sweat off my neck. “Do you actually care about me past my physical wellbeing?” I didn’t let him answer me. “Did it ever cross your mind I might not want to have your children, oh esteemed Vai?”
His green eyes took on a hint of darkness, his ears pointing straight up. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. “Sae.” Fear rippled through my body. He stood calmly, lips parted ever so slightly to give me sight of sharp canines. “I’m trying to be nicer, actually let it show like my advisors suggested. So.” He grabbed me by the hair, face inches from mine. “Do you wish to pretend this conversation never happened, finish the shopping that needs to be done or,” he gripped my hair tighter, “do you wish to go back home, and be released into Aya’s custody?” I answered that I preferred the first option. “Good girl,” he said, kissing my forehead and loosening his grip. “Remember, ‘ai’ata, you will have my children, my litter, whether you want to or not.” He let go of my hair, smoothing it down as if to wipe away the pain.
He grabbed my hand as if nothing negative had transpired between us. If this was how he could get at simple provocation, I didn’t wish to know what it was he’d do if I pushed him too far. Would he do what he does to Aya to me? Deny her the love she so desperately wanted from him? With the same face as Nate, it would probably feel like a breakup all over again, but even worse. Knowing he was just an arm’s reach away and knowing that nothing you did would capture the right attention. I knew he wasn’t Nate. He was different than Nate, and yet I still wanted him to love me. To love only me and ignore all his other wives. I didn’t want him to chastise me for being my own person. Maybe all his other wives had thrown themselves at him, had desperately pleaded to have his child, to be the one to give him an heir.
Was that my only way of taking all his love from them? To give him a son? The thought of carrying his child, a child in general, made me feel sick. I wholeheartedly rejected the feminineness of myself. I never enjoyed thinking about something growing inside of me. Knowing he wanted the wedding to be so soon…I wanted more of whatever it was they had given me. I could see Nate, I could wallow in that warm feeling. Never have a care in the world inside that bubble. Aya already didn’t like me, and it was clear she was in some sort of high position within the harem. Maybe she could get me whatever it was they had called it. Dark…Darkbloom powder, I think it was. My body felt itchy at the thought of returning to that numbing world.
I told him something about the heat starting to become too much for me and that I wanted to return. His face did appear to soften in concern, and while it was clear he wanted to protest, he returned me to the litter, wanting to buy the things he had come for. That made it easier to get to Aya without him running interference. My own eunuchs brought me to the harem, led me to where Aya’s quarters were located. I didn’t bother announcing my arrival, walking through the curtained the doorway with my eunuchs waiting on the other side.
She was on her bed, looking up at me from her book. “What are you doing back?”
I got right to the chase, not wanting to waste time with pleasantries. “Darkbloom powder,” I said. “Can you get me some?”
“Are you rethinking this engagement, mongrel?” I nodded, whatever it was she needed to tell herself. She got out of bed, reaching under it to pull a wooden box. She handed me three small pouches. “One teeny pinch on your tongue is all you need to calm your nerves.” She sat back on her bed, legs crossed. I thanked her, but I had to ask why she was being so nice. “It’s quite simple, ‘ioia. You’ll take more than a pinch when it stops working and it’s very addictive. Noa will have no choice but to throw you to brothels.”
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