It felt incredible to take the darkbloom powder, better than what they had darted me with. My body felt heavy and warm, like a giant dog was laying on top of me. I had nothing to worry about when I could barely move my own hand. It was hard to think, anyway, every thought turning to static before slipping away. I figured it was easier if I didn’t fight it, letting it roll into every fiber of my being. There wasn’t anything I had to concern myself with, I wasn’t entirely sure any of Noa’s wives had important work.

I concerned myself with all my anxieties being squeezed out of me. It was just so nice to lay wrapped up in blankets, knowing I had nothing to do and nothing I’d do would affect anything in any way. Maybe that was the drug talking, but it really did feel amazing to believe that. To have small, inconsequential thoughts that led to pleasant memories. I let them consume me. I stayed in that glitter filled world, the taste of sugar on my tongue, that dog keeping me squished into the mattress.

That was until the memories behind my eyes seemed to freeze and a bitter cold washed over me. That warm bullmastiff had gotten up, leaving me cold and vulnerable. I clawed around for a blanket, pulling it over me with difficulty. The small exertion was enough exercise for me for the next few days, I decided. Everyone else around me had different ideas. “Viia’ta,” someone called. I felt a weight on my arm, another chill run through my body. “Viia’ta,” they shook my arm. I curled up into a ball under the blanket, my fingers and toes starting to freeze off. “The Vai wishes to speak with you, Viia’ta.”

I pulled the blanket over my head, wrapping myself in a loose cocoon. Speech was not something I wanted to attempt at the moment. My throat felt tight, my tongue heavy, and my teeth like they’d fall out the minute I opened my mouth. I pressed my tongue against them, though, and they stayed stubbornly where they ought to. I heard the shuffling of feet, soft spoken words I couldn’t make out. I tightened my eyes, shivering as my heart pumped cold blood through my body.

Swirls of color circulated in the dark, my head beginning to hurt. My body started to feel unbearably hot, sweat soaking every cloth I had been laying against. I kicked off the blanket, the moisture coating my skin turning to ice against the air. I felt like absolute shit. I knew it was the powder; I also knew more would make everything better again. I sat up, everything spinning as I pushed back my sweat soaked hair. My feet hit cool sandstone as I got out of bed to retrieve the bag. Just a little bit more to make me feel better, I needed to find that happy medium, was all. I let a tiny pitch dissolve into a thick liquid on my tongue, lying on my back on the cold floor as I waited for it to take effect.

Aya either lied to me, or my tolerance for this had already been shot from the poison they darted me with. I already felt I was addicted. If I found that medium, however, I was sure I could still function enough that no one would be the wiser. “Viia…ta?” I sat up, hitting my head on the underside of the wooden bed. It was Kaibi…or maybe Nu’ibi—I hadn’t quite figured out which was which—who came into my view. “Viia’ta, are you alright? Why are you on the floor?” I held my forehead out of habit, the pain wasn’t all that bad in actuality. I removed my hand from my head, assuring him I was alright while I picked myself up. My body was starting to feel normal, maybe even a little better than normal. He looked me over, masking what I was certain was horror on his face. “Viia’ta, you’ll have to change.”

I let him change me out of my soaked clothes, the darkbloom powder taking the edge off any care I would’ve had of him seeing me naked. He dried my sweat soaked hair, pulling it back, and dusted my face with makeup. In lieu of real perfume, he lit a peach scented incense stick and let the smoke sink into my clothes. Clothes that I had noticed were rather fancy in comparison to what I’d been dressed in prior. “Alright, Viia’ta,” he finished placing rings on my fingers, “you don’t have time for breakfast, but you can eat after you meet with the Vai.”

He pushed me through the curtained doorway, where there was already a small crowd of people waiting. I had certainly missed something important. The crowd ushered me into an opened top litter, and I regretted not taking enough powder to alter my consciousness. I wasn’t even sure what day it was, if Noa’s needing to speak to me was last night or days earlier. I bit my fingernails as I tried to figure out what it was I was heading into. It never even occurred to me to ask the litter bearers where they were taking me until we were already there: a small house apart from Noa’s estate. It was absolutely clear to me that it was some form of religious building, the way it sparkled in the desert sun.

I felt my stomach drop when they set the litter down. I knew he wanted the wedding to be soon, but I didn’t realize he meant a week after meeting me. I rubbed my nose, I really didn’t have enough powder in me to survive this. I thought about running, breaking through the people who were directing me into the temple and just going. There were two problems, the smaller of the two was that I was in thin sandals, and the larger, I had no clue where I even was. Running meant into the unknown, where I could be kidnapped and killed or sold off or any number of things. At least with Noa, I was safe.

There were countless eyes on me as I stood in front of the now closed door. Women crowded around the open windows, leaning in as far as possible to get a look at Noa’s new wife. They threw sand and dried flowers to the floor, shouting at me to come closer. I knew well enough not to get close to the windows, instead looking around the large chamber from my position near the wall. Garlands of flowers hung from the ceiling, swaying gently in the breeze. There were no seats, just small rugs spaced on the floor. It reminded me of the mosques in the Middle East, only filled with more sand and flowers.

I caught a snippet of conversation from the women as I ogled at the geometric paintings adorning the ceiling. “She’s quite small,” she said, leaning against the window frame. “Malawashi was that small, wasn’t she?”

 “Yes,” her companion responded, “and that was what killed her, right?” She threw more sand. “Do you think this one will last longer?”

“Malawashi’s death wasn’t the Vai’s fault, I heard.” Her friend shushed her as a door opened on the other side of the room.

Noa entered followed by catcalls from the women, drowning out the ringing from all the bells attached to his white clothing. He turned to face the loudest group, crossing his arms, and they quieted down. His wolf ears stood straight up, his bell shaped earrings dinging. “If you can be quiet and keep your hands to yourselves,” his tail stiffened, “you may come in.” Noa then turned to me, outstretching an arm. “You should come over here, ‘ai’ata.” I went over to him but refused to take his hand. Now that I was closer to the tens of bells adorning his jacket, shirt, pants, the slightest ring caused my ears to hurt. “Are you feeling any better? You slept for two days, ‘ai’ata.” His voice was soft, the sharp scent of mint filled my nostrils, making its way to my brain.

I couldn’t figure out what I needed to cover more, my nose or my ears, as I processed his words. If I took more than what I had two days ago, how long would I be out then? Was this my way of keeping him from impregnating me? Noa stared at me, waiting for my answer to his question that I had already forgotten. “Wh-What’re the bells…for?”

The women, having piled inside, whispered among themselves, sounding all too loud. I wanted to throw up. I wanted more powder, it would make the noise go away. Noa said something, his hand on my arm. I was too occupied with keeping myself calm to understand it. I needed to at least pretend I wasn’t high, I wasn’t freaking out because I knew one of the women could tell. A larger bell reverberated in my skull. I was sure it made my jaw pop and settle in the oddest way. A sickly sweet liquid was forced down my throat, coating the inside of my mouth in the sickening flavor.

“Sae?” I jumped at my name, getting even more scared when I realized we weren’t in that temple anymore. “Did Aya say anything to you?”

I had to take a moment to figure out how I got from one place to another. I came up blank every time; my legs were coated in a cold sweat. There was food in front of me, Noa in front of me, officials, eunuchs and the harem around us. The ground felt so hard even under the pillow I sat on. My heartbeat filled my ears. I put my elbows on the table, holding my head as I tried to make sense of everything. That was a wedding, right? If so…was this the reception? Then…tonight we would…I felt sick at the thought. My hands were trembling against my head. “Noa,” I said, my voice most certainly shaking as much as my hands. “I-I-I…think I’m…” I stopped myself. What was it I wanted to tell him? That I thought I was dying? That I was having a terrible comedown and already addicted to some drug?

I moved my head to look at him, hoping he would sense my discomfort, at the very least. He tilted his head to the side slightly, eyes scanning over my face. “Are you sick, Sae? You’re very pale.”

“Yes!” I sounded desperate to agree with him. His conclusion was better than anything I would’ve fed him. “I’m…feel like…lay down,” I said. “So…yes, yeah…please.” I wasn’t even sure as to what words were coming out of my mouth until I said them. I could only pray they made enough sense. My bedroom was where I wanted to be, I could take a little more, get myself thinking straight, keep myself from blacking out. I stood before he could say anything, already making my way to my bedroom.

He grabbed my arm. He insisted to escort me as much as I did that I would be fine. I wasn’t sure how I convinced him to let me go alone. Before I stumbled down the hallways, he told me that whether or not I was feeling up to it, we would copulate. That set my anxiety on edge, my body shaking even more now. Solely from withdrawal or from my own nerves, I couldn’t tell. I only knew I needed more, just a tiny bit more. It would make everything better.

I caught sight of my appearance in a silver mirror. I looked marginally better than the junkies I saw on the streets. It’d only been a few days, I’d only taken it twice. The words of that man from days prior came back to me. Immediate addiction. I knew I shouldn’t take anymore, not with his voice in my head. I needed more.