After shutting the door to my apartment I stand still for a moment to consider again if I want to do anything today, but ultimately lack the resolve to break the shackles of my laziness. Just as I walk through my kitchen to start prepping a meal, my phone buzzes in my pocket. 

“Hi Sue” I say when I answer the phone.

“Hi hun, how are you feeling?”

I take in a breath before answering, trying to sort out my feelings. Becoming aware of the awkward silence I am longating, I respond before my thoughts are together.

“I guess it’s complicated.” I say timidly, as I am still thinking

“Did something happen?”

“Just a bad dream that’s been on my mind.”

“About your parents?”

“...No.”

“It was not a recent one?”

“...No, it wasn’t”

“I see.”

There’s a pause as we both gather our thoughts on the past.

She begins again, “We’ve spoken about this, if you’re home alone on the weekends, give me a call.”

“I know.” I respond immediately, nearly cutting her off.

“Ok.”

Feelings of guilt surface into my head at my shortness but she disregards it.

“How did the dream make you feel?”

“I’ve been anxious the whole day. I don’t really know what to do with myself.”

“Do you want to talk about what it was about?”

“...No.”

“I…” I try to respond but my emotions get the best of me. 

What was significant about that dream then?

Collecting my thoughts, I form a response, “I just don’t think I was very good to mom or dad.”

“Do you feel guilty?”

“I hate them, but I understand how they got that way.”

“It’s not fair what they did to you, you can’t let it take over.”

“I know but I was short with them when they didn’t always deserve it.”

I wait in silence, having no other thoughts on the past.

“Do you feel guilty because they didn’t deserve to die like that, and you never apologized?”

I get quite taken aback at the blatant mention of my parents death from her, Sue is usually a more gentle person. I know what she means though. They died a horrible death and neither of their sins were deserving of it. That is why I feel guilty. All the arguments and threats, mind games. They were not deserving of it. Some part of me feels like if I was better with them, despite their flaws, they wouldn’t have gone down such a dark rabbit hole. Nevermind that even though they weren’t great people, they weren’t necessarily horrible either. Flawed maybe, yes, but there were things said and done I do regret.

“Yes.” I finally respond.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about it.” She says after sensing my depressive mood about the subject.

“It’s alright.”

Silence takes over again before she changes the topic.

“You know, your sister is growing up to be quite the ruckus. Yesterday at school she got called into the principal's office for slapping another child.”

“Really?” 

I can’t help the thought that she does things like this because she’s growing up without parents. I was already moved out by the time of my parents death and although it does still affect me to this day, my sister is still in middle school. I feel bad that I’m not strong enough to be there for her. Sue, my neighbor from my childhood town, takes care of her now. She knows that I moved away because of my parents, and I stay away because of my past there. 

I can’t help but feel indebted to her… For taking care of me even when my parents were around and now for taking care of my sister---and I’m not even there.

“Yes, why she make my back sore having me go all the way over there to pick her up. They wanted her out of the school because they were afraid she would continue to get into fights. She was apparently arguing with a few different kids and being rude to teachers. 

“Mmm.”

“So I told her, ‘Listen miss, I know you are frustrated but I’m putting food on the table for you and taking care of you and this is how you repay me?’. That made her think about her actions at least, although now I feel bad about it.” She laughs lightly.

Guilt pangs at my mind again. I haven’t even tried to repay you, but you don’t really mind. She does it out of love, and I know this but… 

She pauses again, her tone becoming more serious again. “You know, I think you really should come over, it’s been 2 years since she’s seen you.”

“I know, I’m sorry… Soon.” I say despite knowing I have no plans of returning, although I would like to see her. I don’t think I would be able to handle returning. I don’t think I trust love anymore.

“Alright, get some rest, feel better tomorrow. You should do something instead of just working, but god knows your manager will be mad if you come into work moping around.”

After a pause I respond, “Bye Sue.”

“Bye hun, love you”

“...” 

I stare at the black screen on the phone, the call having been disconnected. I sigh a deep, long breath, disappointed in myself for not saying ‘Love you’ back. I never can seem to open up to anyone, even someone who is trying to be close to me. I hold the air out of my lungs for a moment to feel something, and when the pain becomes uncomfortable I then breathe in, putting the phone back into my pocket.

Now I just feel bad about not being there for my sister, and being weak for not returning.