“Vee… Vee wake up, if you don’t eat you're going to die, please Vee wake up.” 

How many times have I had this dream already? Tens? Hundreds? Or thousands of times? Why won’t you leave me alone? 

I opened my eyes to nothing but pitch-black darkness, the dark has a certain smell. The lack of sunlight causes every corner and edge of the darkness to rot and mould, this, if left for too long can make a person feel suffocated to their very bone.

“Vee… Vee… Vee!”

“Why? Why do you always care for everyone but yourself… Why don’t you eat?”

“Vee! You're awake, what did they do to you this time? Can you tell me what colour the crystals were?”

Did she know back then? Did she know that we were getting closer to becoming monsters? Did she know that she would one day die and leave me, once again, all alone? 

“You eat… Zee, I’ll eat too so you eat some too. Don’t think I didn’t notice you skipping your meals. Which crystal are you on? Tell me honestly just once, which crystal are you really on?”

“What do you mean Vee, I'm on the same one as you remember, on the red crystal…”

“Lies… I already know they advanced your crystal intake, I know they skipped many steps when it came to you, so which one are you on?”

“Vee… I… I’m on red, you don’t have to worry about me, I promise I won’t leave your side.”

‘Lies… Liar, you left me just as easily as all the others. I don’t want to hear it anymore, I don’t want to know anything. Leave me alone!’

The moment you choose to ignore the whispers of the abyss, the abyss has already become a part of your own self. 

- - -

No matter how much a person struggles to wash their hands of blood, the stain will always linger. There is no right or wrong nor is there good or evil, the only thing that matters are the victors of the story but even the victors cannot simply end their story with a happily ever after, for life is not a fairytale.

“I want you to kill someone for me,” He said while throwing a thick file towards me containing portraits of two blonde boys with pink eyes. 

‘Isadore? A ducal family?’ I threw the file back towards him.

“I don’t kill nobles, it’s not only annoying to clean up but the chances of the guild being put at risk is too high.”

“What if I tell you I have found a lead, a lead of what you are searching for the most.”

“I have worked for countless nobles from no-name barons to marquises who have everything to lose. So what makes you think I would believe someone who is so reckless with nothing to show for it.” I stood up ready to leave but he threw another pile of portraits towards me.

“These are the portraits of your mother, if you complete the job we’ll even take you to see her.”

“How am I supposed to believe that that is my mother? How can I know that you didn’t just pick up a photo of any old lady?”

“She mentioned that her child went missing wearing a yellow dress made of silk with lace details. Oh, and I almost forgot…” He held up a red diamond brooch, the other pair to the one I was in possession of. “I heard her child also had this brooch when she went missing.”

“I don’t believe you… Let me have a conversation with her first,”

“No, there is no guarantee for me either. I need you to carry out the order first and then not only will I let you speak to her, I’ll take you to see the rest of your family too.”

The longer I pondered the more the woman’s portrait and brooch seemed to stare back at me. I have no excuse for why I fell for his scheme… The clues and leads had come to a halt and I was desperate to grasp at anything, even though I already knew that the dress was something almost every noble who had hired me before knew but thinking that the brooch was a closely kept secret… I didn’t think the people closest to me would betray me so.

‘I won’t make excuses… My desperation and desires led me to kill two innocent people who wanted nothing more than to live an ordinary life with their own families… I turned into the very monsters that I was trying my best to avoid. Or perhaps this too is an excuse.’

- - -

“This is wrong Vee, our guild wasn’t created to kill innocent people. We joined you in the search for your family because we cared for who you were and what you were fighting for. There is no point in us if we’re going to become the very beings we are trying to drag down.”

“Leave then! Even if it is just a reach, even if it was all a lie… I want to meet the woman in the portrait and how do you explain the brooch, only me, you, Carl and Maddison know about it” I said while turning my back to the right path and digging my way towards my grave.

“Vee! Are you serious? You know we all want the best for you but this, this isn’t right. We don’t kill those who did no harm,”

“I decide what’s best for me and what’s not, from this moment forward you are to not step another foot into the raven guild. Carl, escort our guest out.”

“Vee! This isn’t right and you know that too, please. Don’t forget your humanity, once you let go you won’t ever return to who you used to be! Carl, you have to stop her.”

“I do what the master orders, nothing more and nothing less, all those who become an obstacle mean nothing to me.”

“CARL, VEE!!! Please don’t do this! You mustn’t do this!”

Look into the abyss… Do you see yourself? Good, you have now become one with the abyss… the abyss shall swallow you whole till there is no humanity within you, don't worry I promise it won't hurt… not you anyway.

- - -

“W…What did we ever do… to y…you? A…All we wanted w…was to return t…to our fam…families. I…I heard y...you too were searching for one… P…Please let Rein live… J…Just Rein. I…I won’t ask you t…to save me too.”

“I’m sorry… Even if you cursed me I will take it all, I've been ordered to kill both of you to meet my family.”

“No, please! Please let Rein live.”

“Reuben… I don’t need you to defend me… I'm gonna kill this Bitch and live, so you should look for a way to live too.”

“No Rein… you can’t defeat her, she’s a… She’s a monster with a beating heart. REIN!”

“A monster? Humans love to call others monsters when they refuse to adhere to their inhumane rules… If I'm a monster then what are all of you?”

Remorse… by the time you have emotions such as remorse or regret, it is already too late. Do you believe you are still human? Or maybe just like he said, you are nothing but a monster?

- - -

‘Stop! Please Stop! I can’t take it anymore! Please… Please…’

Why are you hiding from the past? I thought you weren’t afraid of who you used to be. You were justified, no? You just wanted to find your family after all.

‘NO! STOP! Nothing I did was right…’

But what is right? And what is wrong? Are you not right? 

‘No… I was wrong… I have always been wrong… If I was simply abandoned, why was I even born?’

Who knows? Perhaps to meet me… 

your misery

your destruction… 

your failure… 

your agony… 

Your humanity and

Your abyss.

‘...’

‘...’

‘Your right… I killed them, I killed them all. I don’t even remember all their names but you’re right… I killed them and that will be my karma but you do not control me. You are no longer my misery… my destruction… my failure… my agony, humanity or abyss. I…I will move forward repenting for my sins.’

Pfft alright, let us see.

- - -

"Vee! The weather's nice, let's go outside and play!" I jolted awake from the nightmare.

‘That's right, this was the second chance I had begged for... I'm not as weak or defenceless as before either and I have people I can count on now…’

“Vee? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“Crying? Me?” I brought my hands up awkwardly and brushed them against my cheeks and a foreign yet warm substance had leaked out…

“Hey! What’s taking you two so long, hurry up we only have 2 hours of outdoor time! Hey, Reuben why’s she crying?”

“I don't know, do you think she’s hurt?”

“I’m fine… I just had a nightmare…”

“A nightmare? What was it to make you cry?”

“Nothing, just the past…”

“The past?”

“Yh… A very very long past.” 

The two twins looked at each other.

“Hey you should leave such a past in the past, it’s now just a distant memory.”

“Yh, a distant memory.”

‘A distant memory, what a humane way to put it.’

“Thanks, you guys go out first. I’ll get changed and be out right away.”

“Okay, hurry up, the weather’s really nice today” I watched as the twins who were murdered so brutally in my dreams were now in front of me, greeting me with nothing short of warmth.

‘See you're not my abyss anymore.’