That's the fucking nicest way I can refer to her.

I've been doing half-decent and trying to make the best of my freedom. Looking back, I was able to indulge in little freedoms like shopping for myself, doing my own taxes, and finally having full control of my medical stuff. I got a new summer job that I like so far and I'm meeting some new people. I finally get to spend some time with my step-father without her getting angry and passive-aggressive over it. I even got an oppurtunity to bite back at her with the email thing. Because of these things, I wanted to celebrate this day.

But at the same time, I want to mourn it, too. I'm going to go through life without a Mother's support. Sure, I can argue that it's not that different from before with her emotional neglect, but the reality of her really being out of my life hits me in both happy and sad ways. What happened last year with her hurt me so badly that it was the first post I made that started this whole story. It still hurts. It hurts that I was born to someone who only saw me as means to an end, that end being her future servant-caretaker. It hurts that I was raised under contradicting rules and double standards that still mentally fuck me up to this day. It hurts that I had no choice but to live under the same roof and power of an insecure, cowardly, irresponsible piece of shit who threw other people under the bus and then tried to shackle us to her by complaining about being lonely or how we'll "break her heart" if we leave her. It hurts that she and the sperm donor were my main demons to fight while claiming to be there for me. It hurts that I failed my first attempts to get away from her and ended up in her clutches over and over again. That I was pulled into her drama while being lied to or otherwise kept in the dark about what's really going on because she's such a control freak. It hurts that her comparison games have strained my relationships with my siblings that I cut one off cuz she was too much like Lyndsey and the other one still feels frail. There's so many other things, but the words and feelings becoming jumbled together.

I want to take this day for myself and celebrate, but I want to mourn my loss with someone. Or even just find someone else in my real life that I could spend the day with and show my appreciation towards. But there's no one here.

Just us - Blue

Us might have to be enough - Red

I suppose, yeah. Maybe I could make this a Happy Caretaker Day, instead. I could write thank you notes to my selves and maybe buy one of those Mother's Day cakes on sale. I'm my own caretaker, now, after all. Leaving someone who left me hating myself like Lyndsey was a big task of self-care, because with her, I struggled to believe in myself, see the strengths in myself, exercise my agency and self-image. I made a good choice leaving that. I think that I'll still call a couple of family/people I know irl, mourn my loss, but I want to take today to remind myself that I am enough.