Kasumi: It’s so good to have you join us here.
Captain Infinite: It’s a pleasure to be here. That said...I have a few questions about where you got the couch from.
A: Don’t worry about that. Now, today we’re talking about the superhero movie Man of Steel, which we figured would be right up your alley. And, I really liked it!
Cap: Um...
K: The acting was great, the character of Clark Kent was compelling, and I really liked that Lois Lane was written to be smart enough to figure out who Superman was.
Cap: Well, um...
A: And I liked the villain motivation behind General Zod. You really felt for the poor guy.
Cap: Yes, I suppose...
K: Cap, what’s wrong?
Cap: Um, I hate to tell you this, but I really didn’t like this movie.
A: Really? What’s wrong with it?
Cap: Well, it’s a bit hard to put into words, but...well...everything that happens in it happened to me. It was like watching some weird, warped retelling of my life.
K: Wait a minute, though...I know you’re in that same class of superhero as Superman, but surely not everything–
Cap: Oh yes, everything.
A: But, you’re my best friend, and I know you didn’t originally come from outer space. You came from a different dimension. So surely the scene where the young Superman is shot away from his exploding planet to crash land on Earth didn’t...
Cap: Well, it didn’t happen to me when I was a kid, no. I was an adult when I got stuffed into that escape pod. You see, I had been summoned to help save a civilization from its exploding world, and, well, it turned into an evacuation instead, and that was the only size they had left by the time they got to me. There were no seats my size.
K: That sounds...uncomfortable.
Cap: Well, it would have been much more tolerable if the Kazanian civilization hadn’t been quite so obsessed with the minutia of reproduction and child care...and been a race with three sexes...and a graphic attention to detail...and put it all into a looping instructional video that you couldn’t turn off...it was not as exciting as you might think.
A: So it was...
Cap: About thirty-seven hours of squick, yes.
A: Oh. And the crash into a farmer’s field?
Cap: It was a field of cannabis belonging to a major grow op. The owners were not happy about it. Funnily enough, even though so much of it was on fire, it ended up being a really laid back conversation for some reason.
K: I might have some theories on that.
A: And what about Superman’s father letting himself be taken so that Clark’s can keep his secret?
Cap: The guy might have been somebody’s father, I guess. But, wow, he had a hard-on for tornadoes, and um...
A: Well, you can’t tell that in the heat of the moment, surely...
Cap: He was naked by the time I got there.
A: Oh.
K: Oh.
Cap: And he had this little canister of mace that he had laced with Ultratonium as an “anti-Captain Infinite” measure, just in case I showed up. It took me half a day to recover from that.
A: Wait, if he was naked, where did he get the can of–
Cap: You really don’t want to know.
A: What about rescuing people from an oil rig?
Cap: I saved so many people on oil rigs that the local oil company gave me a lifetime discount on gas.
K: And having the genetic code of an entire race put inside your body?
Cap: Happened after somebody gave me an Ultratonium roofie.
A: And an alien general coming to find you and claim it?
Cap: Well, he was more of an ex-drill sergeant, and he really liked to shout at people. Dealing with him mostly involved trying to win a screaming match against a man with a built-in megaphone.
A: So, how did you get it out of you?
Cap: I don't like to talk about that.
K: Lois Lane – I’ll bet some of the stuff that happened to her didn’t happen to you. So she sneaks around Zod’s spaceship guided by Superman’s father...what about that?
Cap: Well, it was somebody’s father. And he wouldn’t stop asking me about grandchildren. It was a very long afternoon.
A: And the big climax with the gravity weapon crushing Metropolis?
Cap: It wasn’t a gravity weapon, but it had the same impact. You know how toddlers like to pat things?
A: I suppose.
Cap: Well, make that toddler the size of Jupiter, and you get the idea. And when a Jupiter-sized toddler gets fussy, it’s really not fun.
K: Damn.
Cap: Worst babysitting job I’ve ever had.
A: Yeah, it would be...wait, what?!
K: Aquila, don’t. Just don’t go there...trust me, I speak from experience. Who’s your candidate for best girl?
A: I don’t know...um...the giant baby’s mother?
K: Right, so, to sum up, two of us liked Man of Steel, and superheroes should avoid being roofied?
Cap: It ruins your whole week.
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