Intense pain in my abdomen roused me from my drug induced sleep. All my muscles contracted, on fire, and being sliced through. I curled in a ball, holding my middle and trying to breathe through the pain. Some of the exhalation turned into screams as the pain intensified, my lower body going numb. I was hyperaware of every person that came into my room: Kaibi and Nu’ibi, low ranking palace maids, Aya and Atu’e, and Noa the last to enter. Aya and Atu’e moved my body around, Atu’e coaching my breathing while Aya lifted my drenched skirts. Her hands came back soaked in blood. What felt like hours of them barking orders at me, of eyes watching me in disbelief and awe, passed by as the pain started to lessen.
Aya and I were sodden with sweat and blood, Noa having watched every minute of the ordeal by the window, bringing a pipe to his lips every so often. Atu’e’s face grew full of concern, Aya’s full of fear. The two of them looked at our shared husband, waiting for what they should do next. My head was throbbing, my breath hitching when Aya showed me what was in her hands. It was the baby, small, with little nubs on its head. Relief washed over me until Aya said, “It was a boy.”
He was going to try again, I knew it. The relief that I wouldn’t have to carry a child would only last for so long until he tried again night after night for another son. He would keep me around for the sole purpose of popping out heirs and spares. I shoved the heels of my hands into my eyes, remembering all the nights, all the mental anguish and pain. A little voice in my head said it could all go away, and I knew exactly how to make it. It was too risky with all these people staring at me, at the tiny baby my body didn’t want. I took a few grounding breaths, Noa demanding everyone leave.
I stared at the painted ceiling, letting my hands soak in the blood seeping into the mattress. “Sae,” he said, and I fought to keep my eyes from darting to his form. “Is this what you wished for?” It wasn’t, not really. I knew taking my own life would deprive that tiny thing of its life, but here I was. Alive, spiraling, while the tiny thing was dead before it even had a chance to take its first breath. I rolled away from him as he spoke my name once more, sneaking my hand under my pillow. I knew I would get caught, the need overtaking the fear, however. He grabbed my wrist before I had the chance to shovel the powder in my mouth, confiscating the bag with his other hand. “What is this?” In his moment of distraction, I took as much of the powder from my hand as I could. “Where did you get this? Who gave you this?” I didn’t tell him, the least I could do was keep him from going after Aya more than he already did. “Fine, so be it. At sunrise, I’m taking you and this to an apothecary.”
He left me, bathing in blood, my heartbeat, my mind slowing down. I had one more bag he didn’t know about, yet. I pushed my bloodied palms against my eyes, the situation starting to sink in. As much as I wanted to tell myself it was only an accident, it wasn’t. It couldn’t be one. I took the powder knowing full well it was a drug, and that drugs do bad things to developing babies. It might’ve been a blessing that I killed it then let whatever bad things would happen to it. Nu’ibi and Kaibi cleaned the blood from my body, redressed me and changed the bedding without a word. It was better that way, I didn’t have the mind to talk to them, to anyone. I might have slept, I didn’t really remember, I didn’t really care if I did or not.
Noa stayed true to his word, retrieving me at sunrise to take me into town. There was no good morning, no how did you sleep? he only held my wrist and dragged me along. He forced me into a litter, my eyes on the little pouch in his hand, and his eyes on me while he sniffed the powder. My mouth was going dry. I had taken just the teensiest bit before he forced me out of bed, just enough to not worry about his facial expressions. Still, I wanted more, no, needed more. It was hard enough I was forced into this, him having forced himself on me multiple times, and will continue to do so until I bore him a son. I deserved a little something to keep me from running away from him, at the very least.
It was cool in the early morning, the short time before the sun was in the middle of the sky and scorching the desert. He helped me out of the litter less than pulled me out of it, letting me stumble as he walked. It had been awhile since I worked on the obstetrics and gynecology floor, so I wasn’t entirely certain I should be up and moving the day after having a miscarriage, but it felt like I shouldn’t be. He took less crowded streets, the few people we encountered moved out of our way. I could smell the apothecary before I saw it. The smell of herbs wafted into the street, nauseating me, the sickness in my stomach intensifying upon me being forced to enter.
A woman in dark colored robes stood to greet us. Long brown hair covered her eyes, cow-like ears twitched at the sound of our footsteps. “Paa Noa,” she moved her bangs out of her brown eyes just enough to get a glimpse of his face, “what brings you here?”
Noa gripped my forearm, dragging me to the counter she stood behind. He placed the pouch of darkbloom powder on the countertop and positioned me as close to it as he could. “Tell me about this, Ha’u,” he said.
Ha’u picked up the pouch, eyes moving between the two of us behind her curtain of hair. She opened the bag, sniffing it, rubbing a few bits of it between her fingers, and placed a small amount on her tongue. She spit it into a scrap of fabric almost immediately. “Low-grade poison from the kirikiri plant.” Ha’u wiped her tongue. “Where did you get this, Vai? It’s illegal to sell or give to anyone outside of those employed by the state temples.”
The hair on the back of my neck stood on end as he turned to his eyes on me. “That is precisely what I’d like to know.” I kept quiet, the edge of the stone counter dug into my stomach.
I felt my legs weaken at Ha’u’s request for Noa to leave, waiting for an outburst of anger on his part. A sense of relief settled in me as he let of my arm and walked away. Ha’u motioned for me to join her behind the counter, letting me sit in her wooden chair. “I won’t tell the Vai where you got it from,” she moved her hair from her face. “What did you think it was?” She held my eyes open with her fingers, feeling around my jaw and neck. “I can wait all day and night, Viia’ta,” she leaned against the counter, “but the Vai won’t leave you here.” Softly, I repeated what Aya told me, if only so I could leave sooner. “There’s a very thin line between drugs and poison.” She walked through the potted plants and dried herbs, gathering things as she moved. Ha’u placed the assorted dried leaves and flowers in a mortar and took to grinding them into a powder. “The withdrawal is living hell,” she said. “The kirikiri is used in poison and in darkbloom powder, the difference is minimal, the effects are only heighted as darkbloom.” Her new powder was placed in a small white pouch, she then placed a similar black pouch in my hands. “Mix a spoonful of the white in water once a day to neutralize the poison. The black can dissolve on your tongue to wean yourself off.”
Ha’u left me, returning with Noa in front of her. He was visibly more upset than this morning. Before he squeezed my arm again, I knew Ha’u lied and told him anyway. He handed her coins, holding my upper arm so tight I thought it would bruise, walking too fast for me to keep up. “You did this,” he said, pushing me into the litter. “You brought it on yourself, Sae.” He took his seat across from me, the litter beginning to move. “What in Kišwa made you trust blindly? You, nobody else, killed my son. Over what? Some words from Aya?”
His ears were pulled back, body tense, but ready to lunge. I did the one thing I shouldn’t have: I provoked an already on edge wolf. “What does it matter?” I held my head up, refusing to look away from his dilated eyes. “You forced me to carry your son. ‘No’ has meaning in my world.”
Noa lunged forward, pulling me toward him by my clothes. “I have power,” his voice was gravely, “in the eyes of the law, I own you.” His grip tightened, forcing me into an uncomfortable position under him in the cramped litter. “‘No’ means whatever I want it to.” His hand traveled up my body, gripping my jaw and pushing my cheeks in. “I can easily sell you to the highest bidder, and as much as you dislike me, you’ll realize how much better it was with me when a temple buys you.” His pupils had grown so wide, green irises barely a ring around the black. “Take your medicine, do what I tell you, and I won’t have to dress you up like a prostitute and parade you through town.”
I almost spit in his face, some rationality still present in me to keep me alive. Instead, I gave him the finger. “Make. Me.”
I could see his blood boiling, a low growl escaping his throat. The litter tipped slightly at the force he used to slam my head into the cushioned surface. One of the litter bearers asked if everything was alright while I found the world again. Orders were barked, his weight keeping me from moving. His hand dug into my hair, pulling me through the complex, yelling for people and things. I was thrown, headfirst, into the only room I had seen with a door. There were no windows, the walls bare, the only furniture gracing the small room a table. It was utterly suffocating. A eunuch pulled my clothing down to my waist, tying it with a sash so it wouldn’t fall further. He me under my shoulders, chest to chest, hands on the back of my head, keeping it from turning around.
I heard the jangling of bracelets, the soft tap of rings being set on wood. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. “Count, Sae. Out loud.” A small click, then a crack of air and a burning sensation against my back. I bit my tongue, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of hearing my scream. He yelled a number, repeating it each time the leather made contact with my skin until I finally started counting.
There was a slow trickle of blood dripping from my clothes down my leg by the time he reach ten. The same few wounds being opened wider and wider. When he was satisfied, he told the eunuch to leave, letting me fall to the hard floor in a puddle of my own blood. The air stung just as badly as the whip itself, I wiped the snot and tears from my face, his presence coming ever closer. “Behave, Sae, and this won’t happen again.” I pulled myself together, put my clothes back on all while he watched my bleeding back. He dragged me to my feet and through the halls, away from my room and closer to the harem. I lost my privileges, my little bags of addictive poison. He pushed be past the threshold, Atu’e and her companions coming to my aid, Aya descending on Noa. Her fury was no match for Noa’s rage. Atu’e took me further into the harem, the only words from their conversation I heard was Noa screaming, “I have given you too much freedom! I have given you all too much freedom!”
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