Aquila: Time for more of this Star Trek thing that Cap is so fond of...
Kasumi: I’ve got to say, I really like Strange New Worlds. The characters are good, the episodes are fun, and the ship looks amazing.
A: Indeed! I could spend all day with those characters and never get bored. Particularly Captain Pike...
K: Captain Pike is a pretty great character.
A: ...I am fascinated by his hair.
K: Sorry, his hair?
A: Absolutely – his hair is amazing. Who knows what he could be hiding in it!
K: I think you’ve lost me here.
A: Kasumi, you need to be logical about these things. Captain Pike’s hair is clearly concealing a secret compartment. That’s the only reason it could possibly be that tall.
K: Or, it could just be a full head of hair.
A: Of course it isn’t! Think about it – how often do you see Captain Pike’s morning routine? Never! That’s because the writers don’t want to reveal what Pike is putting into his secret hair compartment.
K: Or, it could be because Captain Pike brushing his teeth isn’t something that moves the story along.
A: And think about the tactical advantage Captain Pike’s secret hair compartment gives Starfleet! Need to smuggle a weapon somewhere? Just put it in Captain Pike’s hair. Need to sneak something important away without detection? Put it in Pike’s hair. It’s a perfect plan! Exactly the sort of thing that Section 31 would come up with.
K: For a certain definition of “perfect”...and “plan”...I guess. So, what does Starfleet’s super-secret covert agency do if Pike isn’t available?
A: That’s easy. Section 31 just puts his hair on somebody else.
K: ...right.
A: Advanced secret hair compartment technology isn’t worth very much if it’s not transferrable to other people.
K: But doesn’t that leave Pike without hair?
A: He just wears a wig.
K: I see.
A: And, really, when you think about just how potent the secret hair compartment technology would be, it makes perfect sense that Section 31 crippled Pike for life.
K: Wait, what?
A: You don’t seriously think that Pike’s accident in the future was just an accident, do you? Pike’s too good to be crippled and left unable to speak by a mere explosion.
K: ...um...
A: Clearly, Section 31 had finished their experiments with the secret hair compartment technology and was erasing the evidence. It’s only natural that Pike had to be silenced.
K: That seems...unlikely.
A: The evidence is right there on the screen! Think about it, Kasumi – what is Pike’s hair like when he’s in that wheelchair thing in “The Menagerie”?
K: Still there.
A: It’s flatter! The secret compartment has been removed. The accident and burns provided cover so that the change in the height of his hair wouldn’t raise suspicions.
K: You may be reading more into this than is actually there...
A: And how is Pike left able to speak?
K: Well, he’s got that light that signals “yes” or “no.”
A: Precisely! Exactly what Section 31 needs to prevent him from ever being able to speak the words “I had a secret compartment in my hair.” It really is quite obvious, when you think about it.
K: Right...so why doesn’t Section 31 just kill him?
A: You know how conspicuous trails of bodies are. If Pike died in that accident, everybody would figure out that he was killed to protect the secret compartment in his hair. Crippling him was the only logical course of action.
K: Okay...moving on, then, who’s your candidate for best girl?
A: Sickbay bio-bed number 2.
K: What, the one that keeps breaking every time they fix it?
A: Exactly – it’s a rebel!
K: Right...to wrap up, we liked Strange New Worlds, and apparently Starfleet’s most closely guarded secret is Captain Pike’s hair...
Kasumi: I’ve got to say, I really like Strange New Worlds. The characters are good, the episodes are fun, and the ship looks amazing.
A: Indeed! I could spend all day with those characters and never get bored. Particularly Captain Pike...
K: Captain Pike is a pretty great character.
A: ...I am fascinated by his hair.
K: Sorry, his hair?
A: Absolutely – his hair is amazing. Who knows what he could be hiding in it!
K: I think you’ve lost me here.
A: Kasumi, you need to be logical about these things. Captain Pike’s hair is clearly concealing a secret compartment. That’s the only reason it could possibly be that tall.
K: Or, it could just be a full head of hair.
A: Of course it isn’t! Think about it – how often do you see Captain Pike’s morning routine? Never! That’s because the writers don’t want to reveal what Pike is putting into his secret hair compartment.
K: Or, it could be because Captain Pike brushing his teeth isn’t something that moves the story along.
A: And think about the tactical advantage Captain Pike’s secret hair compartment gives Starfleet! Need to smuggle a weapon somewhere? Just put it in Captain Pike’s hair. Need to sneak something important away without detection? Put it in Pike’s hair. It’s a perfect plan! Exactly the sort of thing that Section 31 would come up with.
K: For a certain definition of “perfect”...and “plan”...I guess. So, what does Starfleet’s super-secret covert agency do if Pike isn’t available?
A: That’s easy. Section 31 just puts his hair on somebody else.
K: ...right.
A: Advanced secret hair compartment technology isn’t worth very much if it’s not transferrable to other people.
K: But doesn’t that leave Pike without hair?
A: He just wears a wig.
K: I see.
A: And, really, when you think about just how potent the secret hair compartment technology would be, it makes perfect sense that Section 31 crippled Pike for life.
K: Wait, what?
A: You don’t seriously think that Pike’s accident in the future was just an accident, do you? Pike’s too good to be crippled and left unable to speak by a mere explosion.
K: ...um...
A: Clearly, Section 31 had finished their experiments with the secret hair compartment technology and was erasing the evidence. It’s only natural that Pike had to be silenced.
K: That seems...unlikely.
A: The evidence is right there on the screen! Think about it, Kasumi – what is Pike’s hair like when he’s in that wheelchair thing in “The Menagerie”?
K: Still there.
A: It’s flatter! The secret compartment has been removed. The accident and burns provided cover so that the change in the height of his hair wouldn’t raise suspicions.
K: You may be reading more into this than is actually there...
A: And how is Pike left able to speak?
K: Well, he’s got that light that signals “yes” or “no.”
A: Precisely! Exactly what Section 31 needs to prevent him from ever being able to speak the words “I had a secret compartment in my hair.” It really is quite obvious, when you think about it.
K: Right...so why doesn’t Section 31 just kill him?
A: You know how conspicuous trails of bodies are. If Pike died in that accident, everybody would figure out that he was killed to protect the secret compartment in his hair. Crippling him was the only logical course of action.
K: Okay...moving on, then, who’s your candidate for best girl?
A: Sickbay bio-bed number 2.
K: What, the one that keeps breaking every time they fix it?
A: Exactly – it’s a rebel!
K: Right...to wrap up, we liked Strange New Worlds, and apparently Starfleet’s most closely guarded secret is Captain Pike’s hair...
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