No amount of my protestations would convince anyone to take Benu from me. The women showed me how to hold him, how to feed him, how to change him, but they never touched him. They mimicked with their own children or bundles of fabric. They claimed something to do with their scent, he needed to be able to recognize me as his mother. The only person who held him was Noa. He’d come by once a week, holding Benu to his chest, near his heart. Each time he came, I hoped he would take Benu with him. I couldn’t be a mother. None of those feelings new mothers claimed they had were anything I felt. I didn’t love Benu, but I didn’t quite hate him. It wasn’t his fault his father was the way he was.

He cried at almost anything, little black ears going flat against his head. If I put him down for a moment, if I held him for too long, he’d start wailing. It was driving me insane. He’d cry in the middle of the night, not hungry or dirty. I was losing sleep because he rolled onto his tiny tail funny, I assumed. I thought the crying fits would lesson when he finally opened his eyes, a bright green just like Noa’s. He took one look at me, at the world, and decided he didn’t like it. I cried with him, at a loss of what to do to calm him.

Atu’e suggested a toy, something for him to hold onto to give him comfort. Anything that was offered he’d throw to the floor, screaming. I needed just one day where Benu wasn’t constantly in my hands or within my eyesight. I was feeling myself start to snap. If it didn’t happen soon, I’d try to drown him or myself. It was a terrible thought for me to have, but the lack of sleep was making any threads into valid ones. Each time I felt the thought come through, I reordered them to Noa. It was his fault I felt this way. If anyone was to die, it should be him. The only luck I had with calming Benu was him eating when he was hungry. A few moments of silence when he was milk drunk, calm, and at peace. I would be even luckier if he decided to take a nap when he was finished.

My ten minutes a week of not having to be near Benu was taken from me by Noa. “About the east,” he said. Benu was already closing his eyes, desperately trying to stay awake in Noa’s arms. “Do you still wish to go?”

I might have sounded a little too desperate when I told him yes. “If I have to stay inside the harem for one more day…” I let my threat hang in the air. I had tried to end my life once already, he didn’t need me to spell it out for him that I would do it again.

He adjusted his hold on Benu, little eyes already closed. “As much as I despise the idea of traveling with Benu so young, I’m free for about a week tomorrow.” Benu’s ear twitched at the same moment as Noa’s. “We’ll leave tonight.” He handed me Benu, it felt miraculous that he stayed asleep once he was back in my arms.

The women doted on me when I told them I was heading east with Noa. They showed me how to wrap different kinds of slings with long shawls to carry Benu in. Others packed me a bag of things I would need: a change of clothes, a handful of objects Benu had shown more than a fleeting interest in, a charm they claimed would bring me luck and keep me safe. I doubted the charm would do anything, I was already unlucky being forced into a marriage and to bear children for a guy I barely knew.

We left by carriage, the first one I’d seen since waking up in this world. It made sense that we wouldn’t have gone by litter, the distance being so great. Noa made a slight stink about using a western invention but got in anyways. I’d rather he walked if he hated the idea of riding in something the west made; the idea of being stuck in a small box with him and Benu felt like a cruel joke. The two people I hated the most at the present moment. The hate subsided some when I thought about how I may get to see G’wala again.

It was an odd feeling thinking of G’wala. I met him once, and in even quieter moments I remember that one meeting. It made my heart flutter in a way I hadn’t really felt since first meeting Nate. Even if it was some sort of school-girl crush, I needed to remember that I was married to Noa, though I didn’t love him. Letting G’wala do anything deemed adultery in the eyes of the public would cause harm to me, and even more to G’wala. Aya killed Malawashi over something she couldn’t control, I didn’t want to know what Atu’e and Noa would do to me if I consented to anything G’wala offered.

We rode through the night, Benu sleeping with Noa on the seat opposite me. He was so calm whenever he was near Noa, it was like a kick in the teeth at my ability to parent. It wasn’t the kick I needed to begin to care, though. If it wasn’t morally unacceptable to the other women to let Noa take Benu away from me, I would have had him do it. Every time he was with me reminded me of every time I was with Noa in an intimate manner. Each time I objected, and he ignored it. Each time he got a little too violent because he enjoyed it more. It made me sick. Benu was the product of anything but love.

It was even hotter in past the Gnaou’i Mountains. If I remembered Noa’s map-pointing correctly, Iy’kka was a city far in land. There would be no ocean breeze to offset the heat, and no rain to clear the sweltering sky. It was, of course, too hot for Benu to stand, and no amount of me trying to shade him in a sling kept him from crying at the sun. I wanted to join him, I didn’t care how that would make Noa look. Those we passed whispered and stared at Noa and I, while I tried my hardest to get Benu to quiet. I had once stroked his tiny wolf ears, thinking it might make him melt the way Noa pretended it didn’t. It worked again, this time, but only for a bit before he became upset again and gave his best impression of hitting my chest.

Tal’kka and G’wala met us outside the inn we were staying. G’wala stayed silent while Tal’kka spoke, barely acknowledging I was there. Noa and Tal’kka walked ahead of G’wala and I, somehow ignoring Benu’s cries. It was the only thing I could focus on, the screams piercing my eyes. “Vii’ta,” G’wala made a motion with his hands, “try holding him so his ear is close to your heart.” I held him the way he suggested, his crying quieting and his eyes finally took in everything. With a little of G’wala’s help, I managed to rewrap the sling for this new position. “Newborns are sensitive to all the sounds and vibrations. They are used to the beat of a heart.”

I held his little head closer to my chest. “With so many mothers in the harem, I wish one of them had told me.”

“They mimic their mothers,” he said. “You are not a Yu’ottuan, vii’ta, caring for a Yu’ottuan child won’t come naturally.” He pulled out a piece of candy from one of his numerous hiding spots. He unwrapped it partway for me to take. It was bright green and tasted like mint, refreshing in the heat. “Would you like to see the temple?”

“Yes,” I said, “but I doubt Noa would.”

G’wala held a finger to his lips, smiling. “He won’t have to know.” He held his hand out for me. “I doubt he would notice you’re missing. Tal’kka talks forever.” I took his hand, the pace of my heart quickening.

He guided me through crowded streets, and it reminded me of one of Nate and I’s first dates. Running through New York streets to get to the subway in time. Having fun by living in the moment. If we had missed whatever it was he had planned, I would’ve still had a good time. G’wala was the first man here who didn’t see me as a thing. If Benu wasn’t a constant reminder that I belong to someone else, I might’ve let myself fall for him.

The temple was different from the one I had gotten married in. It was made of sandstone, any decorations were carved into the soft stone itself. Sage filled the air inside the temple, people stood in worship in front of the incense-filled altar, mumbling to themselves. Small bells rung out every at regular intervals, causing Benu’s wolf ears to stick closer to my skin. Through the smoke I could barely make out a worn statue of what I assumed was Washi’imu. “It’s pretty.”

He let out a small chuckle next to me. “You don’t need to lie, vii’ta.” He motioned to the alter of incense. “The centerpiece used to be Washi’ima Malawashi. The temple was built to not take away from her.” He led me to the front, handing me an incense stick, Benu sneezed at the smell. We lit each one, G’wala putting his hands together and muttered out a prayer. “Before you head back to the west, would you like to be Washi’ima Sae to the people?”

“I don’t know,” I said, adding, “Noa would be upset.” Whether I liked him or not, going against his wishes never ended well for me. Benu grabbed the fabric above my breast, and I sighed. “Benu is hungry.”

We walked back into the sun. “Best you head to the inn, then.” He walked beside me, hands clasped behind his back. Whatever had given him the courage to touch me was gone now. He stayed close to me, though, making sure no one bumped me or tried to harm me in anyway. It was already clear that those in the east knew who Noa was, at least in some vague sense, and in the same vagueness they knew I was important having arrived with him. Rumors of Aya being sent to her father’s surely was already spread this far east, no one was going to touch me. If he was willing to punish his own wives, there was no telling what he was going to do some commoner wanting to make a political statement.

He escorted me as far as the room, and I unwrapped Benu after closing the door. It would always be hard for me to feed Benu. He latched decently, it was mainly the fact that I was constantly reminded of my femininity. I’d been running and running from it, only to die and have to face it. I wanted to laugh in the face of Washi’imu, the one I suspected had brought me here in the first place.

I pulled the top of my dress up when the door opened again. Noa walked in, ears straight up and tail wagging slightly. “Ah, you’re here. Good.” The door latched behind him. “We’ll be dining with Tal’kka at some restaurant or other. Can you keep Benu calm?” He let out a small burp as he spit up some milk. I gave him a half shrug, my one successful attempt wasn’t an indication I could do it again. “Fine,” he said. “If you can, though, there’s something in it for you.”