Benu was, oddly, on his best behavior during dinner. I imagined part of it was because I sat separate from the men, not far enough I was excluded from the conservation, but not at the same table as them. Having to carry Benu everywhere made me quite skilled at doing things one-handed. I listened to their conversation, half-wishing I could be there, treated as a man, no longer forced to wear dresses and finally be able to put on a pair of pants. I noticed Noa and G’wala glancing at me every so often. G’wala’s eyes seemed apologetic that he couldn’t be eating with me; Noa’s were to keep me in check, to make sure I held up my end of the deal and didn’t try to run. Tal’kka continued to acknowledge me as little as was possible.

My tolerance for this dinner was wearing thin the longer it went on, even more so after I finished eating. My face became the most interesting thing in the room for Benu, and he grabbed at whatever part of it he could reach. Fingers prodded my eyes, my nose, my mouth, strands of hair and the jewelry around my neck. Yelling at him wouldn’t result in a calm baby, and I was afraid of what he’d do if Benu started crying. I prayed that he’d want food so I could leave to feed him. I thought I was going insane at every poke and prod from Benu, at hearing the same thing said a different way for the nth time. I wanted to scream and cry. I wanted one day where I could be the Sae I was before I woke up here.

What would I have even done if I had woken up in a ditch instead of in Noa’s bed? I had no home, no boyfriend, a job that made me want to strangle myself. A plethora of pills and needles to keep up the appearance of what was in my head, and to keep the spiraled what-if regrets of turning away from my female attributes. Nate was sensible, if I had the opportunity to talk to him, to tell him to take as much time as he needed, I would take it in a heartbeat. Being homeless for a few days while I sorted out a new lease was infinitely better than being forced into a marriage with Noa. My life was all so hazy until I woke up in front of him. Fractured memories, uncomplete truths. Parts I knew for certain, parts with too many gaps.

I felt close to tears at all the forgotten and hard to remember memories of Nate, of my parents, of pulling multiple all-nighters to study for medical exams. I just wanted something to remove the last bits of feeling deep within my soul. It wouldn’t hurt as much once Noa would force himself on me for another heir. It wouldn’t hurt as much looking at Benu, my reminder that all my hard work to appear the way I wanted to, as a man, was undone. I put Benu in my lap, keeping his head up while I wallowed, his little eyes fixated on Noa. I caught G’wala’s eyes on me once more, and looked away half in embarrassment as they caught mine.

His kindness felt like a means to an end. I was surrounding by intact males—as Aya put it—who saw me as their steppingstone for their own gain. There was no possible reason for me to believe that G’wala cared about me outside of looking like Malawashi. I was already collared with a husband, shackled with a kid. Unless he was willing to risk his life, nothing could come from his glances. I wiped my eyes, wishing Noa would finish up so I could hand Benu off to him and go to sleep. I looked down at his little ears, trying to find this motherly instinct my mother always talked about. I didn’t feel any unconditional love, a desire to protect and care for. I was as empty towards him as I was the day he came out of me.

The men stood and I crawled to my feet. Noa came to stand next to me, hand on the small of my back. They finished up their conversation in veiled threats and vague promises. He took Benu from me, holding the infant in front of his face. “You were so well behaved, little pup.” He kissed him on top of his head, then held him against his chest. I clenched my jaw, waiting for him to even acknowledge me. “You look unwell, Sae,” he said after a quick glance in my direction.

I punched him in the arm as hard as I could without thinking it through. He fumbled with Benu, and I grabbed him before Noa could tear his arm out of his socket or harm me. “Yes, I’m unwell,” I said. I let myself cry, hoping it might save me from any physical harm. “It’s further dawned on me that my life sucks and that I hate m…my son…in addition to you.”

His hand was poised to slap me, lowering it when Benu joined my sobbing. He grabbed my wrist, dragging me back upstairs to the room. “Isn’t this what you wanted?” He asked, trying to take Benu from me. I turned, knowing he was the only thing keeping him from beating me. “We’ve come to the east, why are you still upset?”

I held Benu a different way, his flailing and squirming was making it harder to keep him from slipping from my hands. “Do you ever hear me? It’s you, Noa.” I held Benu out so his fists and feet wouldn’t hit me. “Everything went to hell when I woke up and saw you. And now I have a kid I didn’t want who won’t shut up.” I sat on the bed, laying Benu next to me with a hand on his stomach. “You can’t send me on a trip to cure all that ails me.” I wiped my eyes, then said the one thing I knew he wouldn’t hear. “If you want to make me happy, find a way to send me back to my world, Vai.”

Noa clenched his jaw, a hanging piece of his belt swishing and jewelry jangling as he shifted. “You already have more than most women, why do you continue to reject me?”

“That! That right there!” I pointed at him, a growing sense of déjà vu overtaking me. “I’m not a women. I’ve never been a woman.” He turned his head just slightly, this argument started to remind me of another breakup, long before Nate. “I got rid of my breasts, my uterus, made my face look more masculine…I was a man, Noa. I didn’t think I’d ever see this...this body ever again until I woke up in your bed.” I held Benu now that he cried himself to sleep. “I always saw myself as a freak, even more so now that it’s reverted.” Benu’s tail wagged, Noa’s mouth opened. “No,” I said, “no. I’m going to sleep, and I don’t want you here.”

Noa left in a huff, any points he wanted to make remained unspoken. I knew I didn’t win this tiff, I had only paused it. He would come back, much angrier, my only safety being Benu. I made sure I had a hand on Benu when I laid down, this was the only thing he seemed to be useful for. Noa wouldn’t hurt his only heir. 

He was in bed when I woke up, the broken memory of what happened in the middle of the night came to me. Noa was snuggled up against my back, Benu against my chest. He blinked at me, face starting to turn red and eyes beginning to well with tears. At first I thought he had been awake when Noa took advantage of me in my sleep, crying at scary noises he heard rather than the things he didn’t understand. Then I felt what it was he was grabbing at, and Noa rolled over with a low groan as Benu cried. I scooped him up, skittering out of bed and sitting in a corner to give him his breakfast. I kept my back to the wall, wishing he wouldn’t wake up and thought my small show of nakedness was an invitation for him to continue last night’s activities. I’d rather see him coming, it was more preferable to him grabbing my hair and beating me.

When he was content and Noa was still sound asleep, I stole a few coins from Noa’s coin pouch and snuck out as quietly as I could. I knew that one he woke up and saw Benu and I were gone, he’d do anything to find me and do anything to keep me tied to him. And that was what last night was, a reminder that I was just property to him. My feelings and thoughts didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

I tried to retrace the steps of yesterday, looking for the temple G’wala led me to. I would be safe there, at least for a little bit, as long as I presented myself as a Washi’ima. Maybe, if I was lucky, G’wala might be there and could help me find refuge or mediate between the two of us. I was so focused on my retracting that I hardly noticed Benu biting my clothes and jewelry and rubbing his mouth. I ignored it when I spotted the temple, heading towards it was the only thing on my mind, whatever Benu wanted to do with my clothing didn’t matter to me.

“Vii’ta,” I stopped, “where is your escort?”

I took a breath, putting on my most haggard, distraught look as I finally turned around to face Tal’kka. It was dawn, stars still visible in the sky. I came up with the most convincing lie I could think of. “Noa’s asleep,” I said, holding Benu closer to me. “Benu woke up cranky, walking him helps calm him down.” He hit me to get my attention, then rubbed his mouth, at the verge of tears again. “What is the matter now?”

Tal’kka took a step towards me, and I took one back. “You shouldn’t be out this early without an escort, vii’ta Sae.” My attention was split between Tal’kka stalking closer and trying to figure out whatever it was Benu was trying to tell me. “I’ll bring you back to your inn.”

He grabbed my arm and I screamed, crying out that he was trying to kidnap the wife and child of a nobleman. It would at least attract the attention of the few who were out before morning broke. Tal’kka stuttered out defenses to my claim and I wriggled free, running for the temple while Benu continued to bite my jewelry and hit me. Benu finally started crying as I bumped into G’wala, then felt Tal’kka’s presence at my back. G’wala moved me to the side, slightly behind him while I attempted to calm Benu.

Their hands moved in a rhythmic manner, Benu becoming enthralled by their silent conversation. I was surprised at my sudden realization that this society had sign language. It made sense there would be some sort of way for the fully deaf to communicate, especially since reading and writing appeared to be something only for the upper crust. It further dawned on me that G’wala only spoke to others, never directly to Tal’kka.

When they finished, Benu biting his fingers, G’wala walked me into the temple. “What can I help you with, vii’ta?” I told him what had happened with Noa, that Benu was upset over something again, and that I didn’t know what to do anymore. He led me deeper through the temple, into a small, private room. His large frame filled the entire room, I could practically hear the beat of his heart. “It’ll be okay, vii’ta Sae,” he said. “I can listen to all your worries, at the very least.”