It must’ve been Malawashi’s influence on my psyche that made me kiss G’wala, at least that is what I told myself to feel better. He didn’t pull away from me or try to stop me, if anything he took control of it, the first proper kiss I’d had since waking up in this world. I missed this feeling of intimacy, the farthest I let Nate go until I had gathered up the courage and ruined one of the best things of my life. G’wala’s hands cupped my cheeks, gently tipping my head as he crouched slightly to be at the same level as me. His tongue was barely in my mouth, scared to cross this threshold any further; I sucked on what I could, trying to force my way into his mouth, I would take full responsibility for this. He picked me up and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Our breaths became heavy when we decided air was vital. “Are you sure this is what you want, Sae?” I nodded, even if I had a hint of doubt, he was leagues better than Noa. I didn’t mind being Malawashi for him. “If you want to stop, we’ll stop.”

                                                                        ***

It had been a mistake to do all that with G’wala from an ethical standpoint. I had a husband, for whatever it was worth, I wasn’t supposed to be unfaithful. It was unfair in the grand scheme of things, Noa could have as many women as he wanted, and I was expected to accept just him. “Do you regret it?” He finished tying my belt. I shook my head, telling him I didn’t as he straightened my dress and jewelry. “I…wish you could stay by my side, Sae. The idea of handing you over to the Vai is…not ideal.”

I balled the fabric of my skirt in my hands. “I wish you had been…” The one I woke up next to, I wanted to say, but the words caught in my throat. I couldn’t manage to say anything; the awkwardness was palpable.

He pulled me into a hug that didn’t last long enough. “Some words are best left unspoken,” he said. “What do you say to the market? It’ll be a chance to get my scent off of you.” I nodded, even the saying “yes” seemed like an insurmountable task at the moment.

G’wala walked next to me, his hands firmly at his sides or tucked behind his back. I wasn’t his wife, or even a woman he was courting, to any outsider, we must have looked like a noblewoman and her eunuch accompaniment. Coming down from the high of the tea made me realize it was nothing more than Malawashi’s influence and G’wala’s kindness. I found him much more tolerable than Noa because he treated me like a person, not an object. That was the only reason I preferred to have woken up next to him. Malawashi’s waning influence was the only reason I kissed him, the only reason I let it all follow its natural conclusion. I felt worse than when I held Benu. It wasn’t liberating or freeing, it weighed me down, threatening to sink me in the sand beneath the sandstone.

He bought me candies and a snack, and I forced a smile to hide the fact I was churning my decisions through countless spirals. He paid for lunch at a stand he called “fried no’ut” but it looked unmistakable to the falafel and pita I would buy from carts along the streets back home. It tasted the same, down to the tzatziki they drizzled on top. We sat at one of the little round tables strewn about the different food stalls, I was quiet through the two or three bites I managed before Noa found us. G’wala excused himself, and I felt my entire body slump as he did.

Noa extended Benu in my direction, chewing on a toy mouse. “I’m eating, Noa.” I didn’t have the strength to make a face. “You’ve held him for hours, a few more minutes won’t kill you.”

He slid the empty chair closer and sat down. “He’s hungry.”

“I’m hungry.” I kicked his ankle, and it took every muscle in his face to keep from baring his canines at me. As much as I wanted to savor his ire and inability to express it in public, I knew making him wait would just cause it to bubble over later. I ate quicker, wiping the grease from my hands on my skirt. I took Benu from Noa and his jacket, as his demands didn’t include keeping my bosom from the unwashed masses’ eyes.

Once Benu was finished and burped, I handed him his jacket back, now marred with spit up. He held it with two fingers, setting it down on the table with mild disgust. “Did you have fun?”

Benu looked around for his mouse, unaware that the tail fashioned as a bracelet. I watched his mild panic while I thought of a response that was the least likely to tick Noa off. “It was interesting.”

I handed Benu his mouse once he started to get agitated. The last thing I wanted was to listen to him cry once more. “If you’ve nothing else to do in the market, we should head out.” He stood and offered me his hand, which I brushed away and got up on my own. He took a cursory glance at the sky, looping his arm around my waist. “If we leave now, we’ll return by early the next day.”

He begun leading me through the market, leaving his jacket on the table. “Are we leaving the east, then?” I asked.

“Yes,” his grip around my waist grew tighter. “We were to leave this morning, but because of your insistence, I’ve had to adjust the schedule.” He let out a small huff. “There is very little to see in Iy’kka, and the east as a whole. How you managed to make half a day of nothing is beyond me.” I didn’t bother responding to him, letting him stew in his distaste of the east.

The carriage was already packed, the only thing missing was us, the passengers. I made a point of not talking to Noa during the trip, as well as having him hold Benu whenever I could get away with it. As much as I wanted to sleep, I couldn’t help but think of what G’wala and I did. When the scenes replayed in my head, the ghost of touches were felt all over my body, were luckily during that short time Noa was asleep, Benu resting next to him, going from sleep to chewing on his mouse.

I took the time while he was asleep to organize and compose myself. If G’wala’s scent was still present on me after walking through the market, Noa certainly didn’t show it. There was no way he knew or could have known we had done something out of friendly relationship, and even that felt a crime in itself. A nobleman’s wife friends with a…I realized I didn’t know what G’wala’s rank was in society. Tal’kka’s seemed to be someone of importance to the east, even if he wasn’t the same as a Vai and only a trader. If G’wala was associating with him in what appeared to be more than a master-servant relationship, it must be something close to if not the same rank as Tal’kka’s.

My heart did race at the thought of him, but it was only the thought of him. The first man who was considerate towards me, understood the pain I was going through, and I trusted enough to keep a secret. Was that really anything more than what I fried should be? There was no reason for me to have slept with him outside of Malawashi wanting to spend one last time with her lover before she soaked back into the ether, only to be seen in who knows when.

He was better company than Noa, that was something I knew for certain. He was going to get upset at me over the tiniest thing, wasn’t going to lay his hands on me for any reason. If I was forced to pick one over the other to spend the rest of my life as their object, I would choose G’wala every time. Unless Noa’s personality completely shifted, there was no point in silently praying for emotions to spring forth so it might make the rest of my life easier.

I unwrapped and popped one of the red candies G’wala bought me in my mouth. This one tasting of cherry instead of cinnamon. It reminded me of a cherry cough drop, only without the menthol and the smell didn’t stick to my nostrils. Noa’s nose and ears twitched at the smell and sound, pushing himself up and awake. “What’s it you’ve got there, Sae?” He set Benu in his lap where he snuggled against his abdomen.

“Candy,” I said. I held the hard red round between my teeth so he could get a look before continuing to suck on it.

“G’wala bought this for you, I assume?” He asked, patting down Benu’s hair. I nodded and he let out a little noise. “I thought you didn’t like sweets?”

“No.” I swallowed cherry flavored saliva. “I don’t like anything with excessive amounts of sugar. There’s a difference.” He held his hand out and I reluctantly gave him one. I watched him unwrap it with ease and place it on his tongue.

He made a face after a few moments. “It’s quite sour.” I wanted to laugh. His tastebuds had been so warped by the blocks of sugar he’d eat at the market that anything not encrusted in a thick coat of sugar was sour. The candy was nothing more than the same as eating a cherry. A small crunch filled the carriage as he chewed the candy. “I see why you like them.” I could see him picking his teeth with his tongue by the way his lips moved. “I’ll have to make a note of that.” I didn’t quite like the sound of that.