Aquila: So, that’s the end of the Star Wars trilogy.  I really liked it!

Kasumi: It really was quite good – a great redemption arc with Darth Vader, the Empire falling, and we got to see Luke return home as a Jedi and face off against Jabba the Hut.

A: It really did bring the entire trilogy to a satisfying conclusion.  Can’t help but feel sorry for the poor Sarlacc, though.

K: What, you mean that big pit with all the tentacles?

A: Absolutely!  It sits out there in the wilderness, minding its own business, and then somebody drives by and throws prisoners into its mouth!  It didn’t ask for that.

K: I’m pretty sure it’s eating them.

A: It’s definitely being forced to swallow them.  We don’t see how long it takes to spit them out again.  It’s probably polite enough to wait until whoever tossed them into its mouth is gone.

K: Okay, possibly it is spitting them out, but that doesn’t seem very likely.  There’s that entire line about its victims being slowly digested over a thousand years.

A: Propaganda, and ridiculous propaganda at that!  Most people don’t live a thousand years when they’re healthy, much less when they’re being digested by a big pit monster.  If it wasn’t for the bad press, everybody would just leave the Sarlacc alone.

K: Right, so...

A: So the Sarlacc needs a good publicist to rehabilitate its reputation.

K: I see.

A: At the very least it needs to get the word out that it doesn’t want people throwing prisoners into its mouth.

K: I’m not sure Jabba the Hutt would care about that.

A: Jabba the Hutt can go throw prisoners into somebody else’s mouth.  Or better yet, not throw prisoners into anybody’s mouth!  It’s very unsanitary, after all.

K: Okay...moving on, what did you think of the last half of the movie?

A: I...I...words fail me.

K: Um...really?

A: I mean, the implications of it...the horror...

K: Um...

A: Those poor Ewoks!

K: You may have lost me here.

A: Think about it Kasumi – almost every culture has some sort of teddy bear.  But when there’s an entire planet of little cute and cuddly bears...that means that in the Star Wars galaxy the teddy bears aren’t plush – they’re stuffed!  They’re taxidermy!

K: I think you may be overthinking this...a lot.

A: This is where the teddy bears come from in Star Wars!  And they can’t be just hunted in the wild – there would be no way to keep up with demand!  The galaxy must be filled with farms breeding and stuffing Ewoks so that children can have their teddy bears!

K: That seems extremely unlikely.

A: There needs to be laws.  Ewok protection laws!  And when those are in place, there needs to be police surrounding Endor, watching for poachers...the Star Wars galaxy needs to learn to give up Ewoks and get their teddy bears from plush and fabric like normal people do!

K: And, in the hopes of getting those images out of my head, who is your candidate for best girl?

A: All of those poor Ewok mothers, waiting for liberation...

K: ...right...so much for that hope.  Um, we liked Return of the Jedi, and somebody needs to hire the Sarlacc a publicist.

A: Protect the Ewoks!