While Noa was away at the Su’a’s, Benu began to speak. It should have been monumental, and I seemed to be the only woman around when he said his first word who didn’t treat it as such. It wasn’t anything complex, but it was one less animal sound he mimicked when he wanted something from me. It didn’t make me feel any better about my situation when he called me “Mama.” It felt like he was strangling me each time he said it. Then I would remember there was another one inside me who would strangle me further the moment it called me mother.

There was also the issue of Benu’s movement. Before, he was prone to walking a few steps, mostly to get closer to me or something that piqued his interest before crawling the rest of the way. Now, if I set him down and took my eyes off him for even a moment, he was gone. My only indication of his whereabouts was a soft thud, crying, and calls for me. If one of the harem picked him up to bring him to me, he’d only cry harder and try to get out of her grasp. I doubted it had anything to do with their scent that caused him to lash out in anyone else’s arms. Once he was transferred to me, he’d bury his head into my shoulder, crying while I bounced him until he finally stopped.

I started the weaning process the moment he bit me against the advice of Ku’e. Yu’ottuan children may develop motor and language skills quicker than I was used to, she tried to tell me, but that didn’t mean they still weren’t months old. She stopped complaining when I showed her the extent of the damage caused by the tiny tooth barely out of Benu’s gums. It was a month or two of this, of listening to Benu acquire more words and become more sure on his feet, that led to Noa’s arrival back. He ran off in what I thought was him following some of the older girls, giving me a moment of much needed peace. I closed my eyes, everything washing off me, until I heard a worried voice I was growing accustomed to cry out, “Mama?”

I got to my feet with a heavy sigh, going to deal with Benu’s problem. Noa held Benu, looking as if he aged a number of years in just a few months. Benu reached out to me, and I took him, stepping back to give me some distance from Noa. “I’ve thought about your request,” he said. “It just so happens the Su’a is sending me to the colonies, and agreed to let you join me, as well as allowing us to enter Ny’yom’a.” I felt a mix of dread and relief wash over me as he blew air from his nose. “I only have permits for the two of us. Benu will have to stay here.”

“That’s fine,” I said almost immediately. Yes, it would be the first time in months, or a year, I wasn’t quite sure how much time had passed at this point, I would be away from Benu for an extended period of time. But I didn’t feel any remorse about the situation. I had already resigned myself to grow more and more distant from him the older he got. It felt like a terrible thing to do, however, it was better for both of us. It wasn’t Benu’s fault I hated him. I didn’t want to lash out at him just because he resembled Noa.

“Are you sure?” He asked, holding his arms at the elbows. “You won’t worry about him a whole continent away, vii’ta?”

I looked at Benu, chewing on his fist, staring at me. “He’ll be fine without me.” I turned back to Noa. “I’m sure Ku’e will be glad to play mother to him.”

He glanced to the floor, clearing his throat. “Yes…We’ll be leaving in a few weeks once the rest of the paperwork is finished.” His ears went flat against his head. “There is one more thing…Aya will be returning in a day or so. Atu’e will continue to act as chief wife, though. Please, let me know if she gives you any trouble, Sae.” Noa kissed my forehead, Benu waving at his back as he gave his best rendition of “bye-bye.”

I wanted to collapse at Aya’s name. Atu’e remaining as the head of the harem would undoubtedly do nothing to keep her from tormenting me. The only thing I was sure of was she wouldn’t try to poison me again. I tried to go about my normal business until we all gathered for her arrival. Ku’e stood next to me, Atu’e within arm’s reach as we welcomed her back. She scanned faces, eyes narrowing slightly once they fell on me and Benu in my arms.

As she walked further into the harem, I tensed up, hoping she wouldn’t come to stand right in front of me. Ku’e wrapped her arms around my waist, as if that would protect me from whatever it was Aya was planning on putting me through. Instead, she stuck her ears straight up, baring fangs at me ever so slightly, and clipped me on the shoulder as she walked past. I felt Benu push his head into my collarbone, and I preemptively started to console him. The last thing I wanted was to hear him complain while Aya was burning a hole into the back of my head.

Aya didn’t attempt anything, however, I could feel her watching me. I actually wanted Noa to call upon me in the evenings, just to give me a small retreat from Aya’s piercing eyes. She kept venturing closer to me each day. I was waiting for her to try something. If she did, I wouldn’t hesitate to run to Noa, just to spite her. Atu’e and Ku’e took turns warding her off. If I was always near someone else, it appeared to weaken whatever it was she wanted to do. I wasn’t quite sure if it was better to wait for her to act, or for her to. I kept Benu away from her, the one thing that would keep some meaning to my life for Noa.

It felt like a month by the time Noa came to collect me. A month of living in anxious fear of every time Aya even so glanced in my direction. We hadn’t spoken, nor did I really want us to. I would leave her for who knows how long, forget about her existence, and come back pretending she wasn’t there.

I left Benu with Ku’e, trying to ignore him acting like the world was ending. He ran after me, clinging to my skirt, my legs, and crying, “No, Mama! Stay, Mama!” It should have pained me to see him writhe in Ku’e’s arms, reaching out for me. I turned away from them, hearing Ku’e tell him it would be alright, and I would be back soon enough. I was leaving my own son, and I didn’t feel a single thing. No regret or remorse. If he thought of Ku’e as his mother when I returned, I was sure I wouldn’t feel any different as now.

A eunuch followed us with my luggage to the litter. Noa held the curtain open for me to step through, then joined me on the opposite side. “He’s never acted like that before,” I said preemptively now that we had the illusion of privacy.

I could tell Noa was going to bring it up, having watched the entire thing from the doorway to the harem. He set his jaw, checking whatever it was that was in his breast pocket for the nth time. “Both his parents are leaving, vii’ta.” He pulled his ears flat. “He must feel we’re abandoning him.”

“He’s survived without me before,” I crossed my arms, “he’ll survive now.” Noa made a non-committal noise, plunging the rest of the ride in silence.

The litter was put down, and he held the curtain open for me, offering me his hand. I pointedly ignored it, but he snatched my wrist anyway, bringing me close enough to him he could put his arm around my waist. Saltwater and rotting fish burning under the sun made my eyes water. I covered my nose with the loose fabric of my dress, praying the scent wouldn’t stick to my clothes. I caught the faintest whiff of lavender and mint as the wind cut through the throng of people clamoring to get on a ship.

Those who noticed Noa made a path for him, his grip on my waist growing tighter the closer we came to the boat. He took two pieces of paper from his breast pocket and showed them to the ticket master, or maybe a customs agent was a better description. They were stamped, then we walked up the gangplank followed by two eunuchs with our luggage. They put it in our room before leaving us, presumably to go back to the estate.

Our room didn’t fit my idea of a fancy cabin on a ship. It included a bed tucked into an alcove, the wooden frame attached to the wall. If it didn’t already feel suffocating, brightly colored curtains hung open from a rail above the bed. I had a feeling I’d be sleeping between the wall and Noa, with the curtains tightly shut. A small table and two chairs had been carved into the wall, jutting out just enough to give the impression of adequate space. There was no decoration, only a small window, a suffocating feeling already settling in me. I was already feeling seasick, and we hadn’t even left port yet. I wanted to lie down, or go on deck to get some air, though the smell of rotting fish wouldn’t help my nausea any. I almost did vomit when I caught sight of Tal’kka and G’wala standing outside our cabin’s door.

G’wala stood behind Tal’kka, eyes fixed on me. I tried not to look at him, guilt growing in my chest as I remembered what we did. Ku’e’s words weren’t any consolidation to me, either. It didn’t matter what Noa might do if he found out, it mattered if he found out. I kept my face neutral, told my heart to beat normally, and I stared at Noa’s back as he talked to Tal’kka. I counted every time his ears twitched, every time his tail raised or swished side to side slightly.

I tried to listen to their conversation, if Noa or Tal’kka had any inkling of a suspicion that G’wala and I did anything untoward. Most of their words went straight over my head: a cacophony of names, roads, trade goods, every word that left their mouths made my head hurt a little more. Noa shifted, and I thought he was finally done, but he moved aside, allowing Tal’kka and G’wala to enter. They bowed their heads at me once they saw me, then Tal’kka and Noa took a seat at the table. The feeling of suffocation gripped my throat now that the two people I didn’t want to be in the same room together, were now in the same room.

Before they could get any further in their discussion, I told Noa I was getting some air. He gave me his jacket after pulling everything from its pockets and told me he’d come find me when he was finished. I left the cabin as quickly as I could without invoking suspicion and made my way to the deck. I found a space by the railing to lean over and vomited into the sea. Watching the waves lap at the hull only heightened my nausea and explained why Noa wasn’t worried I’d run off without him next to me. We had set sail. There way no place for me to go but into the ocean. I stayed doubled over the railing, gripping it tightly as I threw up, spit, and dry heaved against the water rocking the boat. When I felt there was nothing else for me to expel into the sea, I put on Noa’s jacket, the smell of lavender and mint surrounding me, and the shadow of G’wala stood before me.