I blinked and rubbed my eyes, making sure G’wala standing in front of me wasn’t purely my imagination. He was really there. Before I could even get my mouth open to tell him I wanted to be alone, he sat down in front of me, making himself comfortable. He held a piece of candy in my direction, saying it would help settle my stomach. I didn’t take it, the seasickness felt like some sort of karma coming back to bite me; I needed to deal with it by myself. I tucked my legs to my chest, asking him to go away. He stubbornly shifted closer. I put my forehead on my knees, biting back the urge to ask him something that may cut any lifeline I had from Noa.

If I was becoming anything, it was self-destructive. Maybe I already was and only began to realize now. “Is it actually me you like,” I told myself to stop speaking, to bite my tongue until it bled, yet the question continue, “or do you like me because I look like Malawashi?” I didn’t pick my head up, already regretting the question. I wanted Noa to come get me, at least I was used to the disappointment and anger that often laced his voice. “No, never mind.” It was a half-hearted attempt to climb out of the hole I was digging myself.

I should’ve jumped overboard and let the sea take me that moment. It was embarrassing that tears stung my eyes the moment he begun to answer. It was mortifying to have him watch me be led below deck like a child, wiping my eyes furiously with the one hand that wasn’t in Noa’s. He held my hand instead of gripping my wrist this time. It was something. “Did he do something to you?” Noa asked once I had a moment to calm down, having held my head against his chest while I fought with tears that dripped onto his black shirt. I shook my head, entirely unsure where this flood of emotions was coming from. “Good,” he said, one hand stroking the back of my head. “I never understood why they took him in.” I wanted to ask him what he meant, to figure out what other prejudices he had and was slowly revealing to me. It made it all the easier for me to hate him. Instead, I let him soothe me, his body heat oddly comforting against a cramp I chalked up to my seasickness. “Is it just the nausea, then?”

“I think so,” I said. “How long is the trip?” It couldn’t have been more than a few hours since we set sail, but I was already ready to be on dry land again. Particularly if that land could give me an escape from Noa.

He was quiet a moment. “If the wind’s favorable, half a month.” I felt my stomach drop, my heart going with it when he added, “Realistically, it’ll be a month, or thereabouts.” He gave me a small pat on the back of my head. “You’ll get your sea legs soon enough.”

I pushed myself away from him, wrapping my arms around my middle. “Is that why you seem so unaffected?” I asked. “I can’t imagine you’ve taken this trip often.”

Noa’s ears shot straight up. “Kišwa, no. This will be my third time in the colonies.” His tail drooped, not quiet going between his legs. “Frankly, I’m anxious if I dwell on the ship too long.” I almost laughed. It seemed so stupid his one fear would be the ocean. It seemed too normal. “Take it a little at a time, vii’ta.”

I tried to take his advice, but if I wasn’t above deck vomiting and holding myself against stomach pains, I was in our cabin trying to get what little food and water I could manage to get down to stay down. It didn’t help that I was actively avoiding G’wala. I decided anything he wanted to say to me could wait when I wasn’t actively expelling my guts. I also didn’t want to give Noa any idea that I may have been unfaithful, or the shred of the truth that I was. I didn’t care about out marital ties, I was barely conscious of them, I cared more for my life than anything. If I were to go out, I’d do it on my own terms. Nor did I like the idea of G’wala being killed from my own actions. He seemed to be chasing the same ghost Noa was.

A dull, aching pain in my abdomen woke me up after all the effort I put into ignoring the rocking of the boat, of pretending I was on dry land. I felt I was dying, that I was having yet another miscarriage, and then I became scared of what Noa would do if I had lost this child, as well. I was curling into myself, holding my stomach and trying to work up the courage to feel for blood. I bit back screams as the pain pulsated, reaching its peak. Eventually, the only thing that occupied my mind were prayers for the pain to stop. I closed my eyes against it, breathing heavily and clenching my jaw. I swung my arm to the side, hoping to smack Noa awake. My hand hit the mattress. I wasn’t sure how long it took me to try and weakly call for him, or how long it took for him to come to my side.

He pulled the curtain open, a light trickling in. I shifted my head to glimpse him for a moment, unable to turn to the other side of my body and fully face him. The light and mattress shifted as he climbed into the bed next to me. He asked me what the matter was, and I told him I was pretty certain I was dying, or the baby was. “Who told you you’re pregnant?” I muttered out it was Ku’e, I wasn’t going to throw G’wala into this. He sighed, “You’re not. The last time, I never…You’re not dying, either.” He pushed the back of my skirt up, and just as quickly pulled it back down halfway. The light moved away, and I heard shuffling of fabric. He came back and put what felt like a rolled piece of cloth between my legs. “I’ll see if I can’t find any hot water.” The door creaked open and closed.

I found the strength to roll over and face the quarter-opened curtain. Did G’wala lie to me? Did Ku’e just go along with it? Did G’wala have any intent to help me, or was it all an excuse to make me less hesitant to sleep with him? Maybe that was his plan, get me to trust him, make me believe he would do anything to help me, then string me along, doing things that would give Noa cause to kill me if we got caught. Another pang squeezed through my abdomen and the pain started to make sense. I was reminded of all the times I held my breath each month, waiting for the intense cramps to come, and crying in the shower as I tried not to puke from the agony, watching the blood flow down the drain. After it was gone, I’d be fine for months, only for the blood and cramps to come back. It always came back when I didn’t want it to.

I curled into the tightest ball I could, leaning into the waves of pain, pretending that it made the pain more bearable. The floorboards creaked, a small lamp with one large, glowing crystal was placed on the edge of the mattress. Noa’s face came level with mine. “I couldn’t find any,” he said. “I have an idea, though.”

He pressed his body against mine, acting as a human heating pad. It didn’t help as much as I assumed he thought it would. It made me feel safe, oddly enough. There was a growing sense of disgust and anger towards G’wala emerging in my gut. With Noa, he put his motivations out on the table for me, not hiding it behind the guise of gaining my trust. Maybe it was the hormones making me think this way, maybe I was jumping to conclusions, but at the moment, if I had to be near G’wala, I might as well just throw myself overboard and drown right then and there.

I shut my eyes against the thought and the pain, praying it would go away long enough I could fall back asleep. Every so often I’d feel Noa try to shift in his sleep, try to roll on top of me. Each time he stopped himself just shy of me mustering enough strength to kick him. I didn’t know if I would be able to survive a month of sleeping in the same bed with someone who clearly wasn’t used to sleeping in the same bed with someone else. We almost never touched in his bed back in his estate, big enough to accommodate what I assumed was his habit of sleeping on his stomach and pushing all his pillows away.

He had managed to find his way to his stomach by morning, anyway. His pillow thrown to the floor, head buried half into his arm and half into the mattress. I felt irritation at how peaceful he looked asleep when I barely got any. I pulled on his wolf ear with minimal force, and it twitched between my fingers. He let out a small groan, head digging deeper into the mattress. I would’ve ripped his ear from his head if a knock hadn’t sounded at the door calling for Noa to wake up. His eyes fluttered open just long enough to ask for breakfast. He pushed himself up at the door opening and closing.

Noa turned to look at me, almost like he forgot I was there. “Do you feel any better?” He rubbed his eyes then opened the curtain.

“Not really,” I said. I had adjusted a bit more to the cramps now that I knew what they were. They were still painful, but it wasn’t coupled with a worry that I was dying. It was the lack of sleep adding to the discomfort if anything. Every moment I thought I could fall asleep, it was shoot through my stomach and back, causing me to open my eyes. I don’t remember if I really got any sleep before I had been woken up initially. It helped a little bit my brain was split between the pain in my stomach, and the sting of the air against the bite mark on my shoulder.

His ears perked up. “I’ll bring your breakfast over,” he said. “And I’ll look for something to alleviate the pain.” He stifled a yawn and stretched, then got out of bed.