Aquila: Raiders of the Lost Ark was a great movie!

Kasumi: It really was a thrilling adventure.  Indiana Jones is a fun character to watch.

A: And the Nazis and their collaborators make great movie villains.

K: Belloq is wonderfully slimy.

A: You get a proper sense of them blundering into something far greater than they could ever understand.  And when it blows up in everybody’s faces at the end, it’s kind of perfect that Indiana Jones and Marion only survive because they close their eyes and refuse to participate.

K: Well, they are tied to a post at the time.

A: That wouldn’t stop Indiana Jones.  After all, he still has his hat!

K: Um...not sure I’m following you.

A: Think about it, Kasumi.  Indiana Jones escapes from a giant boulder, has a revolver that never needs to be reloaded, crashes through a thick stone wall when he’s trapped in an ancient well...

K: He is using a pillar to break through.

A: The pillar isn’t a structure supported on two sides, the wall is – he breaks through anyway.  Then he gets dragged behind a truck, attaches himself to a submarine and holds his breath long enough to get to a faraway and isolated island, and then once everybody but him and Marion are dead, somehow gets off the island, even though nobody alive knows that they are there.  And what is the one thing all of these events have in common?

K: That they’re taking place in an adventure movie?

A: Indy’s hat!  There is only one possible conclusion.

K: That the hat is part of Indy’s costume in an adventure movie?

A: Kasumi, you need to be logical about these things.  Clearly, the hat gives Indiana Jones superpowers.

K: Okay...

A: It’s the only reasonable conclusion.

K: For a certain definition of “reasonable,” I guess.

A: When he’s not wearing the hat, he’s a humble professor of archeology.  As soon as he puts on the hat, he’s nigh-indestructible.  It’s a good thing that the Nazis never figure out the power of the hat – they’d be unstoppable!

K: Sure, why not?

A: It would serve them a lot better than the Ark of the Covenant, at any rate.

K: I think the Ark is a bit better than Indy’s hat.

A: It’s a terrible artifact!  It’s basically God’s wrath in a box.

K: That seems pretty powerful.

A: Powerful and useful are not the same thing.  There needs to be a practical application!  A box that kills everybody within sight whenever it’s opened has far too many issues to be useful.  How do you deploy it without it killing those who are carrying it?

K: They could close their eyes first.

A: The box doesn’t care about that.  Indy survives because he’s an adventure movie hero and the good guy – he’s protected by plot armour.

K: I thought it was the hat.

A: The hat helps, but even it can’t protect somebody against a box of divine wrath.  There’s no way to use it safely.  You can’t even keep things in it, because it would kill you as soon as you open it up.  As magical boxes go, it has only one redeeming feature.

K: And what would that be?

A: It cleans up and closes itself once it’s done killing everybody.

K: Okay, it does do that.

A: It’s a very tidy box of death.

K: I’ll give it that, yes.

A: Actually, if you could figure out how to open it up remotely, it could be great for home renovation.  Just put it in the middle of a room, trigger the opening device, and let the fires of God’s wrath remove all the furniture, wallpaper, paint, and drywall.  Then you just have to wait for it to close itself up, and renovate.

K: Right...

A: Of course, testing the opening mechanism beforehand would be tricky–

K: And, moving on, who’s your candidate for best girl?

A: Best girls.  The angels on the ark.

K: Really?

A: They spend thousands of years stuck on there holding their wings out.  They need a weekend at a spa.

K: So, to sum up, we liked Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Indiana Jones’ hat should probably be a military secret...

A: Give those angels a shoulder massage – they’ve earned it!