Fifty cuts later and I’m still fine.

Although it feels like I’ve lost some life from me. Maybe because it’s Friday and I was feeling sluggish at school in general (curse you timetable!), or it was because I was feeling more depressed than usual? I really don’t know.

It’s definitely not from whatever you’re thinking, I don’t know what you’re thinking but it’s not because I’m losing blood. Speaking of that, I got bored in Math today and pinched one of the cuts from yesterday, making it bleed again. It didn’t hurt but I got blood on the underside of my watch and had to clean it during assembly.

I don’t know why I did that; it was dumb of me. At least I’m aware of my actions. Still don’t have a proper reason I do it though, I swear I’m not trying to be an attention seeker or be one of those people who think cutting yourself is cool. I do NOT encourage any of this to happen to anyone. It’s bad, I think it’s bad and please seek help.

Now that I’ve got that out the way, I have concluded that I’m just a massive hypocrite. Saying all of that and then going ahead to do the exact opposite of what you’re trying to promote is horrible. But again, I really don’t know why I did it.

Thinking about the reasons though, it really all started last year, I think. My friends did the same thing as me now, but only once or twice and it was as a joke. They stopped not long after that and have been clean since then. I don’t know what was running though my 12-year-old brain at that moment, but I knew that it wasn’t a good thing to hurt yourself. It was the same year that I tried it out, but the blade was too blunt and the best I could do was four tiny cuts on my wrist. I don’t know why I didn’t ask for a sharper one, but oh damn, I remember it hurt.

It doesn’t hurt so much at all now; I think I’ve gotten stronger. I still vividly remember telling myself over and over again that I was a coward, weak, pushover, too nice and most if not all of them are most likely true. I’ve tried so, so hard to be more aware of myself and what I was doing and saying but I have definitely slipped up more times than I can count.

It feels like I need to keep reminding myself that not everyone is going to be my friend, not everyone is going to like me and the most important thing; YOU CAN SAY NO.

That last one is still the biggest hurdle I need to jump over, the thing where I can drop the ‘act’ and speak my own voice. I think the reason I find it extremely hard to do that is because I naturally have an incredibly soft and sweet personality and obviously that’s good!

But it’s NOT good when your childhood was brought up by parents who would hit you if you disobeyed.

Now I know that stereotype of “Asian parents blah blah blah” but seriously, it doesn’t help that now I’ve lost a key point in making decisions myself!! I constantly seek approval even in the smallest things and I freeze up when confronted.

Which in turn doesn’t help with my thoughts of myself being a weak and useless coward.

My parents this year have really tried to change, especially my mum and some part of me is proud that they’re trying to make a better life for me. But there’s always that lingering fear at the back of my mind that tells me that they’re going to yell or hit me in anyway if I do anything wrong.

And this is also why I’m scared of mentioning certain things around my parents.

And what would those things be?