I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not in front of everyone.

Have you wanted to do something so badly, but you didn’t want to actually do it because you were scared of how others would think of you?

Well, that’s me.

Starting high school this year and it’s already on the way to being a complete disaster. It’s not even the Easter holidays yet and I’ve got a load of work on my back. Not to mention the amount of socialising I need to do this year. It’s really overwhelming sometimes.

I didn’t do anything too bad. Until two days ago. Some things are best left unsaid, but people will find out soon enough. Sometimes I like to think I’m doing a social experiment except that I’m the only one who knows it’s going on. It really makes me feel like I’m just some attention seeker who’s failing terribly at it.

Anyways, that’s not the point. The reason I’m saying all of this is because I’m still trying to find the reason I cut myself.

I don’t know why I did it, I just did.

And that’s the thing I’m trying to figure out here. I know it sounds a little dumb and really obvious, but the problem is that I can’t figure out why I keep subjecting myself to this. I’m fairly sure I like the pain? But at the same time, it’s annoying to deal with especially since I’ve only cut my left arm and wrist and it’s the same arm I wear a watch on.

I do know that I was curious that day, found the sharpener, used a hairclip to unscrew the blade from the body and drew first blood.

I remember feeling both horrified, and euphoric at the same time when doing this. This was the reason I spent over 30 minutes in the shower right after that. It hurt, but in a way that felt good I suppose. I don’t know really, my mind went blank, yet I was still in the room and I definitely knew what I was doing, but I still did it.