When I was five, I started learning piano.

I don’t do piano now because I quit a year ago, but I’ll touch on that a little later. When I started learning, the first couple of years are fun and enjoyable. It only started getting slightly annoying when I started doing exams around age 7. They were all right but when you go up the grades, the harder it gets (obviously). And when you are forced into doing so many other things by your parents to ‘gain experience,’ you find it hard to have time to practice and when you do have time, you’re so exhausted from other activities that you just want to relax.

My 7-year-old self was crying on so many nights about piano it’s impressive how I didn’t ask to quit right then and there. But I didn’t stop. I didn’t stop because I was scared that I would face big consequences if I said that I didn’t want to do piano anymore. So, I continued. Over 7 years of piano, six exams, so, so many tears and door slamming, I finally spoke up that I wanted to quit. I was grade 7 at that time and I had been kicked out by my teacher, so I had to learn with a new one for the time being. I told my parents one day that I wanted to stop piano, and this is a summarised version of how this conversation went:

“Mum, I want to stop piano”

“You want to stop piano??”

I nod.

“But why? You really like piano”

“I want to stop piano lessons mum; I want to play as a hobby now and I don’t want to do my grade 7 exam”

“Oh. But I spent so much money and your teacher spent so much time teaching you and now you want to quit?”

I sigh. Here we go again…

“Mum, I don’t want to quit piano. I just want to stop doing lessons. I have all the foundations set up so I can play and learn things by myself”

“Oh, okay. But you need to finish class for this term”

“Okay, thank you”

END OF CONVERSATION

That was easier than I thought. The whole ordeal was so much worse in my head and all it took was just some clearing up and persuasion. But what I really wanted to say was that before I quit piano, I was scared to mention piano around my parents (especially my mum) because I didn’t want to be told to practice piano. It really demotivated me to actually get to practice and I would practice soon enough in my own time. As a small child, I had so many other things I wanted to do and not the mention the amount of extracurriculars I had to do after school along with piano lessons and practice.

I tried rebelling once and attempted at pulling an all-nighter to practice piano because I was mad at being told off for not practicing. I got told off again and had a ‘serious talk’ with my dad about getting sleeping being more disciplined. I hate serious talks. They make me extremely anxious, worried, scared and I automatically overthink everything. I also tend to freeze up and go mute when they happen, unable to speak because I was so scared and shaken up by what might happen if I said a wrong word, or I had the wrong tone of voice.

I get so badly shaken up by the conversations I can still remember what happened and the situation and setting I was in as if it happened just an hour ago. I hate myself so much for remembering these and they just replay over and over again, rent free in my head. There’s never a specific time it happens too, they just appear out of nowhere and it spikes my anxiety a little.

Have I talked to anyone about this?

Well, yes and no.