I don’t even know anymore, the world is literally crumbling each breath I take in.

The damn message replays over and over but I can’t disagree with the words. It’s not like I can anyways, like they said, my self-esteem is absolute shit.

Somehow, I’m frowning but my heart feels empty and a little broken you could say. Where to now? If that’s seriously how Lin thinks of me, how would other people think of me? What’s the damn point in changing if you can’t even bring yourself to change?

Things will never work out. I don’t know how I’ll resolve this; the whole situation just got a lot more real-life centred. Can I blame my parents for being scared? Can I even blame the people who got mad when I said no?

I don’t know when it started but I’m pretty sure I was set up to fail from the beginning. Rebellion sucks when you’re scared to make the first move. I suck at living properly. Why does socialising exist again? This seriously gives me another reason why I would prefer being mute from the beginning.

If I never opened my mouth, if I never moved, if I never nodded my head or did anything!!!

None of this would have happened.

But this book wouldn’t exist either.

I guess you can really kill two birds with one stone.

Well, the big lingering question now here is:

How the hell will I get through Monday??

I’m going to struggle. I hate being confronted and I hate confronting other people. I guess that adds to my ‘being a weak, scared, coward’ list again. The more I think, the more I realise how fucked up my personality is.

I’m not mean, I’m not rebellious, I’m not funny, I’m not rude, I’m not teasing, I’m not sarcastic.

I’m just the most two-sided person you have ever met.

The worst kind of two-sided people.

And I’m not talking about those Disney princes and their stereotypes. I mean the people who are straight up annoying the more you know them.

Deep down I’m soulless. Unmeaningful. I don’t have proper emotions really, it’s all a show, a façade. People are used to what show I put on for them. It falters because I try handling two at once. And being two places at once is proved not possible. When the show falters, I mess up. They can see through the cracks how I really am, and only then will they decide to leave or stay.

I’ve kept up a show for Lin for over 5 years now, it’s tiring. And when new people come, they just add the complicatedness of it. I must act one while also seeking approval from the other. I can’t always keep it up. Therefore, I end up being that scared person, the default. The one I’ve adopted as a child. That. That’s the real me. That’s what you’ll get if you look deep enough. That’s how people end up feeling betrayed, left out, lonely. All because they looked too far, and I didn’t recover fast enough from the falter.

When people say, “oh just be yourself everyone will love that”. They won’t love that. Well, not my real self anyways.