I’m praying that whoever might find this as a work in progress that they won’t send me off to a mental institute.

I swear I’m not messed up like this in real life, but I write what my mind speaks so if you want to take my brain there, I would be happy for you to do so.

Now that it’s out of the way, I should really start thinking about starting anew. Leaving the school, changing my name and starting a whole new life without the dying and being born part. It’s not like people are going to actively find me. If information spreads that I’m just the scared pushover coward, I don’t give a crap if people take advantage of me. If I die, I’m not forcing anyone to come to my funeral. Heck I’ll be happy if no one comes at all. It’s not like they would care enough for someone who’s scared of society as a whole.

I think I’ve always had this mindset since I was young. But it’s gotten more prominent now that I may or may not have a death wish coming up. I hate that people care about me more than they should. Because they’re just following what I did back then when I was an innocent child. You cared too much. Now you’re getting betrayed, and I don’t feel sorry. Once you find the true colours of people, you start to rethink your choices in life. You start to think about why you ended up with them in the first place.

I try too hard to keep things together. It’s like gluing tiny sheets of paper together but the glue keeps getting on your hands and the sheets of paper get dirtier and dirtier the more you try and yet they still won’t stick together. They might for a little while but as soon as you touch it with your gluey fingers, they just break apart again.

It’s a weird analogy but it works in this sense.

I find it hard to sympathize with people. It’s easy to fake but you just feel guilty knowing that you feel nothing for them. Am I really that heartless? Or am I just scared of the consequences that will happen if I do accept?

If I really was heartless then I would have the ability to say ‘no’. I guess I’m heartless for the wrong people and I speak at the wrong place and at the wrong time. Why must people be so complicated?!

Communication would be so much better if people didn’t jump to conclusions all the time, if they didn’t interrupt each other and everything was in order. Obviously, we’re all our own person and life doesn’t actually work like that. I wish it did though.

People keep telling me that I’m stuck in a world of my own. I don’t want to seem selfish or arrogant. I really want everyone to think for themselves. But for me, I really can’t think for myself even if I try. I like to think that there could be another universe where I did everything that I was supposed to, I made the right choices, and I didn’t mess it all up. But I doubt it a lot, because if that universe did exist, then I wouldn’t want to be alive right now. I would do anything to wind back the clock, to turn back time. To fix everything that went wrong with my life.

I know that people will just tell me to “work around it” or “live with it” and I know I can’t change the past, I know that I just need to move on. But it really haunts me the more I force myself to not think about it.

And not to mention Lin is my class, I’m not even sure if we’re considered friends anymore, it was never official. I don’t know if they’re giving me a chance to resolve it. From what they said about me, it sounds like nothing I can do will fix my problem with them. I’m just going to end up relapsing and making the problem a huge damn mess again.

Why is it always me?