Now, I have never truly hated anyone but myself.

And that really says a lot about me.

Watching the video again really made me think. The first watch through was definitely the one that hit me the most. It really solidified my worth. Thanks.

The watch throughs after that, not so much. It still hurts but I don’t think it affects me as much as it should or as much as you wish it should have affected me. Maybe because you’re not actually saying it to me in person and it came from a third perspective. Maybe it’s because you’re not in tears, screaming at me as I watch you with a blank expression.

Sometimes I wish you would be meaner to me. Instead of being mad and giving me the silent treatment, I want you to insult me. Make me feel proper emotions for what I did. I ruined your life, your feelings and so many other things. I could go on and on but the more I speak, the more terrible it makes me look to you.

Sometimes, I wish that every time I do something wrong, you would tell me off so badly I’d start crying. That’s how you get to me. That’s how you should make me feel. I personally think I deserve being called out for every single bad thing, to be yelled at all the time. Would it make me a better person? Hopefully yes. Because how clueless can I be and how much of a limbo space can you put me in when you’re giving me the silent treatment?!

When I think about it, you’re just as scared as me. But in a different way. I know that if you end up seeing this, you’re most likely going to disagree with me. But that’s okay. I’m just expressing my opinion. From what I saw, you’re scared that if you confront me, I’m not going to change. I’m just going to dwell on that thought and it’ll just consume me. I mean, you’re not wrong, but not entirely right either.

Yes, I do agree that I’m pretty much a weak, scared coward who can’t refuse anyone or anything. But I’m not going to dwell on your words and let it eat my up from the inside. If you stopped hiding your views on me, maybe we could come to an agreement?

Please, just for one day, don’t put the filter up around me. Stop trying to take things nicely. I won’t fucking listen. I never have listened. If you’re firm and forceful about it, I’m going to listen. It’s really weird but if your words replay over and over, I’m never going to do anything again. Also, here’s a tip:

You should threaten me more.

I know you’ve had the classic window one but that’s overused, and I’m used to it. You need to change it up a little, make it scarier. Make it more realistic. Here’s some ideas:

-      Spreading rumours

-      Exposing my secrets to everyone

-      Getting everyone I know to turn against me

It’s things that make me feel vulnerable. I’m scared of betrayal, of silence, of confrontation. That stuff will get me to listen. I promise it’s not some shitty excuse that I’ll just brush off.

And you seriously think it’s one sided?! Alright then, it’s probably one sided because I can’t listen to shit. Everything that happens I’ll forget. Once you tell me a problem of yours, if I don’t actively force myself to remember or write it down somewhere, I’ll forget it in 4 hours unless reminded. And I do care. I care a lot. It’s just too hard for me to show any affection because I physically don’t know how to do that properly without looking or sounding weird. I’m sorry that you feel let out like at the start of the year and all this just sounds like a bunch of excuses and bullshit, I actually do care about you all the time. Not just when you’re mad. I feel like I should care more when you’re mad. And it’s not like I’m ignoring you either. It’s seriously just me and that other person you hate right?! It’s just our connection!! If you’re jealous then admit that you’re jealous and why. It’s probably because you’re mad that I have a stable friendship with them, and I don’t need to worry about most things I say or do because they won’t judge me!!

You on the other hand, I need to constantly be aware of how I act, what I talk about, when I should talk or listen and it’s so tiring sometimes. Maybe if you didn’t jump to conclusions and talked it out before being straight up mad at me right off the bat then it would be so much less toxic!!!

People have been telling me that because we’re in the same class we must be friends because I don’t have a choice. It’s not easy when you’re just making it harder for both of us!! I know you’re concerned for me and I’m really trying my best, okay?! But social norms are hard, and I don’t want to spend hours trying to perfect them.

I know I’ve slipped up so many damn times but how has this affected me more than you? Things I’ve done that involve me, do NOT involve you!! I choose something to do and it’s not like you’re connected to me. I understand that you want our friendship to be close but that doesn’t mean you’re watching 24/7 on everything I do and reacting most of the time a little childishly!

We’re not assigned buddies. It’s not fucking junior school.

And I would really like to know what you mean by being there for mental support. Because we both know I don’t know shit.