People say that there’s always things to talk about, things to discuss with others.

But they never tell you the true challenge of discussing with others. The struggles of it, the fact that you always must be alert, trying to predict what they’re going to say or how they’re going to react, so you know what to say next.

And yes, I am still thinking about what the hell I’m going to do on Monday.

I’m getting more and more terrified.

I know it’s only Saturday afternoon, but it’s going to be Saturday evening in the next 15 minutes. That evening will turn into Sunday, I’m going to be busy as fuck and before I know it, it’s Monday and I’m going to be even more fucked than I was on Friday.

At least that’s how I’m guessing it will go.

I’m tired of writing about the negative stuff. Time to think about what I did well and my conclusions I have come up with.

First, I have this thing in the back of my mind that tells me if I do a certain thing, something bad or something good with happen to me. Well, I was thinking last night and I’m sure the reason why all this shit has been happening is because I keep cutting myself.

I’m currently clean for over 24 hours now. It’s not much but I’ll take it as a small win for my sanity. Hopefully everything will slowly get better from here. I mean, I’m not going to jinx it, but this has been one of the lowest points of my year so far. Not in my life, obviously. Well, I tend to forget the bad stuff that happens if it’s older than 4 years, so I’ll just say it’s the worst that’s happened in a long while.

And even that’s saying a lot considering the stuff that happened in Year 7 and Year 8. I’m still regretting existing back then and my actions. The things that happened back then feel distant but can’t force myself to stop thinking about them and beating myself up for things I said and did.

For 99% of the time, most of the drama at school that involves me is there because I caused it. And I will not hesitate to say this again; I wish I was mute, so I didn’t have to say anything, I didn’t have to interfere with anyone or any situation. I just want a peaceful life for once!!

It makes me mad that I didn’t savour the peaceful moments in my life, days where I was free from the drama of the world, when I could enjoy myself. It’s only when I’m lost and taken away from that, do I miss it. As a wise person said, “You’ll never know how important something is to you until it’s gone.”

I relate to that a little too much and I’m sure others are the same. I don’t know why, it just works like that.