Well, damn it’s Monday.

It was a lot less eventful than I thought. When I was in the car on the way to school, my anxiety just kept peaking. I am going to make a change though, no matter that I need to sacrifice. The worst part is that I really want to talk to Lin about it, but I’m just too damn scared to.

Why am I always scared of everything?!

I feel more and more within he past few weeks that my performance is faltering. In the social sense. My grades are great and I’m doing well in school, but doing well in school doesn’t necessarily mean I’m enjoying it.

I find it hard to compliment people without making it seem like I don’t mean what I was meant to say. That probably doesn’t make sense, so I’ll use an example:

When someone asks if their hair looks good, I would say “oh it’s not too bad”. Which in my sense is “That’s really good! I like it.” But obviously it’s too long to say and I was busy so I would default to saying “It’s not too bad.” Usually I get a negative response with people being more like “Oh so it could be better? You don’t like it??” And I would respond with “No! I mean, I have seen better but how you look right now is good!” It doesn’t clear my case and the conversation moves on.

I’m left to dwell on what I said wrong, I just complimented the person right? I really don’t mean wrong to them. Everyone looks good to me and I’m not outright being mean of complaining to anyone about how they look.

It used to be so easy to be nice, I don’t know what happened. Maybe I just became more soulless. Or I just shut off my emotions so much that I’m finding it harder to bring them out for others.

Today in Math, Kourtney, Willow, Goldie and Lin were talking about what kind of smart everyone was. I’m on a table with them and listening silently. Apparently Kourtney, Lin and I are smart smart and Goldie is street-smart. I don’t understand what any of that means but I’m not going to interfere.

It's now 11am and Math seems to be taking forever. I have proven so many times that my social skills are crumbling every second I open my mouth to speak. It’s not getting better like I hoped, each thing I want to say ends up being awkward and I’m just weirding out people. It’s so much easier to type in my opinion, each word carefully articulated and it’s not as improvised as you think with speaking. But I still hate the fact that you can’t show a tone when texting. Not that I can show when I’m happy or not because of my voice in real life anyways.

It's either talking too softly and monotone or talking too loudly and monotone. Or it’s just being plain rude and mad. I don’t mean to push people away with my words or how I say them, I try to respond accordingly but as soon as I open my mouth, my social life crumbles even more.

Talk about being smart, I am NOT social smart.