May 1st, 1:43pm

Antwan braced himself for the hardest part of his route. His truck came to a slow, drawn-out stop but Antwan didn’t move. He was delivering to a familiar, small, gray house. It still had rainbow flags shoved into pots, standing next to flowers like they belonged there. Behind his dread, a sliver of excitement shone. It refused to die no matter how much Antwan told it the truth. It’s over. Those blissful weeks of work were long gone. When Antwan walked this next bouquet up to that front door, he’d never get to see who lived inside. 

After Sunny’s confusing words almost a month ago, Antwan thought that would be the last time he stood outside the man’s house. No flowers meant Antwan had no good reason to be around him. The delivery excuse was thin at best but it was all Antwan had. 

Then, the following week came and–like clockwork–Antwan got a new order with Sunny’s address. He remembers how excited he was, thinking that Sunny had changed his mind. Thinking that he’d done the right thing and put that awkward moment behind them.

Antwan had stood outside Sunny’s door for almost ten minutes. Ringing the doorbell. Waiting. 

Sunny works from home. He ordered these damn flowers. He has to be inside. 

But he never showed up and Antwan realized something heartbreaking. Sunny did want the flowers. He just didn’t want him.

The black man’s sneakers smacked noisily against the pavement as he walked toward the house. Antwan got the message. He heard Sunny loud and clear. But foolishly, he hoped that things could change. Maybe if his delivery took enough time, Sunny would come out. Maybe, he could apologize or compliment him or do whatever it took to get the man back in his life.  

That’s why he still rearranged his delivery route despite not seeing Sunny’s face for weeks. It was a waste of gas and incredibly inefficient. And someday, his boss might notice the discrepancy in his logs. For now, it renewed that trickle of hope that always lingered in the back of Antwan’s mind.

His ceaseless hope and pining was crazy. But Antwan knew what he felt for Sunny had gone beyond friendship a long time ago. The attraction he had for the shorter man didn’t match up with how little time they spent together. But time after time, his thoughts circled back to the brown man. I wonder if he’s seen this new Netflix show. That shirt would look good on him. Has he tried Jollof rice yet? Antwan didn’t realize how much of his life he wanted to share with Sunny until he couldn’t share any of it. 

And even though, late at night, he imagined tangling his fingers through Sunny’s curls and pulling him in for a kiss, he would take things slow. Even if his dirtiest dreams only starred one gorgeous tech nerd these days, he could wait. If Sunny was freaked out because he thought Antwan would kiss him, Antwan would promise to be the most respectful, non-handsy, gentlemanly date he’s ever had. 

But since that day on his porch, Antwan had replayed their last moment in his head over and over. That tension he felt that day could not have been one-sided. Even if Sunny’s answer was a flat out “no”, Antwan wanted him to say that. He needed the closure.

A few minutes later, the delivery man placed the flowers on the ground. Sunny was a no-show and Antwan was technically working. He’d have to come again some other day and experience this emotional conflict all over again. 

Some movement from the corner of his vision made Antwan pause. He turned, saw a flash of brown skin and dark hair, then nothing. The drapes fell back as if they’d never been pushed aside in the first place. But Antwan knew what he saw. 

Sunny was . . . watching him.

All this time, Antwan just wanted to see him, if only for a second. But Sunny was stealing all these looks anyway? Antwan’s eyes narrowed. That’s cheating.

Fists clenched at his sides, Antwan marched up to the window. It was still for a few seconds, an even sway to the white drapes. Then he saw a flutter before the bottom corner lifted. A single eye looked out and the visible portion of Sunny’s face became bright with mortification. The drape fell back down. 

Biting the inside of his cheek, Antwan knocked against the window.

“Sunny!”

There was no sign of movement this time, just that even swaying of the drapes.

“Sunny, if you can hear me-” Antwan paused, thoughtful eyes on the ground. “If you can hear me, then you should know I- I’m really mad at you.”

Antwan cursed under his breath–he shouldn’t have said that.

“The truth is: I’m mad because you spent weeks nestling yourself into my mind, and my routine, and my life only to take it all away. I feel cheated, honestly, because I wanted more of you.”

Antwan heard his heart thumping in his ears. He imagined Sundar sitting behind the window, breath elevated as he listened. He couldn’t guess if he’d look conflicted or annoyed. Still, Antwan prayed Sundar missed him, even a little. 

“I was going to ask you out, you know. The following week. I was going to bring your order with something I made and- anyways, I understand if you’re not interested. But can you please say that to my face!”

With his words echoing in his mind, Antwan looked at the window again. The drapes had stiled. And the door wasn’t open. All of that, Antwan's big confession, might have been said to a piece of glass.

That’s when Sunny opened the door. 

His wavy hair was shorter now, hanging just past his ears. Today’s band t-shirt was tighter than usual and Antwan hungrily soaked in Sunny’s silhouette. From below his plaid pajama pants, Sunny’s toes peaked out. Seeing them made Antwan a little nostalgic, remembering the first time they met. The entire time that Antwan took him in, Sunny stayed silent, his eyes never wavering from Antwan’s face. He looked determined.

Anticipating what was to come, Antwan stepped in front of him, meeting Sunny’s gaze head on.

Then his gaze went down and Antwan realized that his bouquet was still on the floor. Bracing his hand against the doorway, Sunny knelt down. His movements were slow and his eyes never left Antwan’s. Every muscle in the taller man’s body remained tense until Sunny finally stood up again. Even when he was seconds from being rejected, Antwan’s body called for Sundar like nothing else. 

The reminder cooled him down and the black man clenched his jaw.

“Did you come out here to reject me?”

Sunny pressed his teeth into his bottom lip and Antwan’s eyes flew to his mouth immediately. After not seeing him for 3 weeks, everything he did was too much and not enough at the same time. He had to close his eyes and take a breath before he could look at Sunny again.

“Do you know what these flowers are?” the shorter man asked, caressing the flowers with the back of his hand.

“Of course, Lilac’s for first love,” Antwan replied. He hesitated before finally saying what had come to mind when Sundar ordered them the first time. “They’re a nice choice for you.”

“They’re not for me,” Sunny wore a shy smile, his hands tightening around the stems. “They haven’t been for me for the past 3 weeks.” 

With a sudden move, Sunny gave Antwan the flowers.

“I’ve been meaning to apologize for making you uncomfortable last month. At first, I stopped taking the flowers by-hand because I thought you would be more comfortable. But then I thought that if I didn’t tell you how I feel then I’d regret it for the rest of my life so I started ordering the lilacs.”

Sunny stopped talking with a gasp, giving Antwan a chance to say something. But the other man was just staring, face unreadable. 

“Antwan, I’m sorry. I was supposed to do this when I was all dressed and using that eyeliner trick you suggested but I chickened out every single time because I didn’t know how you’d react-”

“Can I kiss you?”

“What?” Sunny blurted out. 

Finally, he noticed the way Antwan’s muscles strained against his clothes, like he was barely holding himself back. The spike of desire that shot up Sundar’s stomach nearly made him speechless. So his answer was simple.

“Yes.”

Antwan surged forward, meeting Sunny halfway. He closed his eyes and finally, he pressed his lips against Sunny’s. It was relief like nothing he’d ever felt. Antwan tossed the flowers haphazardly into the house. He wanted to touch Sunny with everything he had. Hesitantly, he placed his hands on either side of Sunny’s face, dragging the man even closer. He felt Sundar slowly slide his hands down Antwan’s stomach, around his sides, before tightly gripping the back of his work uniform. Antwan’s entire body shuddered from the touch, melting further into Sunny.

After a minute, the kisses became more frantic. The space between them disappeared. Sunny’s hands tightened, pulling Antwan’s shirt taut. 

Sundar pulled back slightly, but Antwan chased him, replacing his long deep kisses with pecks instead.

“I want-” Sunny began, another kiss interrupting him. “I want you.”

“I want you too,” Antwan muttered, lips stretching out into a slow smile.

“No, I mean-” Sunny cut himself off, more focused on diving out of reach from Antwan’s addictive kisses. For a moment, he got distracted, staring up warmly at the other man. He spent a month depriving himself from this. Not anymore, he’d enjoy as much as he can.

“Ugh, you’re so cute,” Sunny went back in, humming playfully. He managed to pull back one more time, speaking against Antwan’s mouth. “I want you to come inside.” 

“Is now a good time for you?” Antwan asked. Before Sunny could respond, the taller man was walking him into his own house. The two giggled when they narrowly avoided the flowers Antwan threw just inside the door.

“Don’t you have work?” Sundar laughed, completely bewildered.

“Cough cough. I’m sick,” Antwan drawled. “I need a beautiful man to take care of me.”

With a mouth fully engaged, Antwan slammed the door shut.