Kasumi: Rebel Moon – Part Two was a really fun movie!

Aquila: As Captain Infinite would put it, it’s the second half of The Magnificent Seven in space.

K: I thought it did a superb desperate fight against overwhelming odds.

A: Farmers and a few mercenaries versus soldiers and spider tanks doesn’t feel like a fair fight at all.

K: I really liked the thought that went into the battle preparations too – having them use the grain as a shield around their buildings to prevent the Motherworld from bombing them from orbit was a great idea.  And then there’s all those tunnels they dug.

A: Anything you can do to even the odds...it shows the desperation really well.

K: Those superheated swords are pretty spectacular too.

A: True, but they’re also misused.

K: Misused?  How?

A: Well, swinging them around and hitting people with them isn’t really using them to their full potential, is it?  I mean, all that time you’re spending with the power on before you hit something is just wasteful.  Runs the battery down.

K: So what do you think they should be used for?

A: Isn’t it obvious?  Cooking.

K: Cooking.

A: Think about it, Kasumi – it’s the perfect chef’s tool!  It would cook whatever it cuts on the spot, would be self-sanitizing from the heat, and it uses less space than a stove or oven.  Need to cook a big meal for lots of people?  Just bring out the heat sword and start carving a side of beef.  Dinner served on the spot.

K: What about things you don’t cut...like soups?

A: You just stick it into the pot until the soup boils.  It’s already sterile.

K: Wouldn’t that burn through the bottom of the pot?

A: Not if you don’t cheap out on the pot.  And since you’ll be saving all that money on ovens and stoves, it would make room in the budget for the best pots!

K: I see...

A: I mean, it’s typical movie villain incompetence, when you think about it.  Somebody invents the perfect all-purpose cooking tool, and rather than think “Hey, this could carve the perfect medium-rare steak,” the Motherworld decides to make it oversized so that you can hurt people with it.  I mean, sure, it looks cool, but you’re still left waiting longer for your dinner.

K: You know what?  I’ll buy that.

A: And since it’s movie villain technology, it probably self-destructs if you turn it off too many times.

K: Right.

A: Terrible on the battery.  Although, I suppose the self-destruct could be triggered if you change the battery...

K: And, moving on...any more thoughts on the final battle?

A: Absolutely.  Kasumi, I want a spider tank.

K: Um...what would you do with a spider tank?

A: I’d drive it.  What, do you think I’d shoot something with it?  That would be silly.

K: Right...and where would you drive it?

A: Wherever I want to.  It’s a spider tank.

K: And what about getting it licensed for the road?  I can’t imagine anybody would want recreational spider tank driving in their home town.

A: I’d convince them otherwise.  After all, I’d be the one with the spider tank.  Spider tanks are great for winning arguments.

K: And where would you get the fuel for it?  You know those things looked like they were coal-powered, right?

A: Well, you just take it to a mechanic and have the engine swapped out.  Easy peasy.

K: And a mechanic would just do this for you?

A: Of course – he’d get to work on a spider tank!

K: And what if he wants to keep it for himself?

A: I...hadn’t thought of that.

K: I mean, once you hand it over, he’d be the one with a spider tank.

A: That’s a point.

K: Probably for the best, you know.  I mean, those things are huge – where would you store it when you’re not using it?

A: You’re absolutely right!

K: Okay, then, great–

A: Kasumi, I want three spider tanks.

K: Wait, what?

A: Well, it’s simple math, isn’t it?  I can’t let the mechanic have spider tank parity with me, can I?  It would destroy all of my leverage!  But, with three spider tanks, I can have the mechanic repair one while I have two in reserve for winning arguments and getting my upgraded spider tank back!  It’s a perfect plan!

K: Except for the problem of where you’re going to keep three spider tanks.

A: I’d keep them wherever I want.  After all, I’d have three spider tanks!

K: ...And, finishing up, who’s your candidate for best girl?

A: Kora’s dropship.

K: Really?

A: That thing manages to take off in the middle of a capital ship crashing into a planet!  How much more amazing can you get?

K: Right then...we liked Rebel Moon - Part Two, and apparently the Motherworld needs to turn its swords into cooking utensils...

A: It’s the only logical thing!