Hey, kid!  Wanna join my heist?  Wanna crack the uncrackable, nab the un-nab-able, and leave all the bigshots mopping their foreheads in confusion?  Then look no further!  This is the book for you!

Hey, wait!  It’s gonna be dangerous – I’m not gonna lie.  But think how sweet life will be if we pull this off!  You want treasure?  You’ll get it.  Need cheese sticks?  Done.  A solid-gold chariot pulled by a dozen wriggly puppies?  Don’t worry.  I know a guy.

Stick with me, kid, and you can know that guy, too.

“Why me?” you ask.  Good question.  For starters, you picked up this book.  Nobody else did.  So, that definitely counts for something.  And besides: I like you, kid.  You’ve got oomph.  You’ve got pizazz.  The way I see it, if you want in, you’re in.

So, allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Cordelia Soong, age 12.  Hi.  I’m a quarter Taiwanese on my dad’s side, and half-pixie on my mom’s.  For a few weeks I sat two chairs behind you in Language Arts class.  My teeth are a little too big for my jaw and my bangs are too long for my face, but we’ve all got problems, right?

With the howdy-do’s out of the way, let me tell you three reasons you should definitely join my heist:

Reasons you should DEFINITELY join Cordelia’s heist:

1.     To get all kinds of really cool stuff.  (We covered that part already.)

2.     To learn to use the most powerful magic in the whole world.  (I’m not even exaggerating, kid!  Being half-pixie on your mom’s side has its perks…)

3.     To help a really awesome but kinda desperate girl, who might have accidentally trapped herself inside a book.

So, what do you think, kid?  Are you in?  Great!  Now I bet you’re wondering what the plan is.

The first part’s simple: I’m gonna tell you an awesome joke.  Study this joke.  Memorize it.  Make it a part of you.  Learn it like the inside of your eyelids.  Ready?  Here goes:

***

Cordelia’s Awesome Joke

Question: Why are dollar bills green?

Answer: Because two plus two equals four.

Get it?  No?  Good, because there’s a lot more joke left.  Have patience, kid.  You’ll see.

***

See, two plus two equals four.

And four times three is twelve.

And twelve twelves make one hundred forty-four, which is called a gross.

(Don’t worry, my joke isn’t all math.)

So, twelve twelves is a gross, and lots of other stuff grows, too.

Some stuff grows by leaps and bounds.

Rabbits leap, and rabbits bounce,

And rabbits look like hares.

Some people have hairs growing in their ears.

(You know, cobs have hair, and grow in ears, but that’s not where I’m going with this.  Even I wouldn’t tell a joke that corny.)

Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah, ears.  There’s nothing eerier than a wicked witch.

The Witch of the West was green.

So, dollar bills are green, too.

After all, dollar bills are money, and money makes you wicher!

Get it?  Money?  Wicher?  Ha ha ha!  Hoo hoo hoo!  Snort!

***

Wow, tough crowd.  Come on, it was a little funny, right?  What about the part about hair in your ears?  Maybe that part’s worth one teeny, tiny chuckle?

See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Uh oh.  I think the school assistant librarian heard you laugh.  Yup.  He’s coming over now.  He looks annoyed!  This was not part of the plan!  We gotta come up with something, fast.

Oh, I know!  What if you lower the book to the table, stroke your chin wisely, and stare upwards like you’re lost in thought?  Yup, just like that.  Perfect!  Now, repeat after me:

“Hmmm….  metaphors.  Onomatopoeia.  Table of Contents….”

There we go.  I think he bought it.  He’s moving away.

Great job, kid – you’re a natural at this!  You sounded just like someone reading a real book, one that doesn’t have a trapped girl teaching them awesome jokes and planning the perfect heist.

You know what?  Why don’t you take a quick break?  You’ve earned it!  Put the book down, go grab a drink of water.  The heist will still be here when you get back.

***

Okay, are you nice and hydrated?  Perfect.  Now we can get down to business.

Cordelia’s Amazing Heist Plan

Step 1: The awesome joke wasn’t part of the heist.

Sorry, kid.  I thought of that joke this morning and just had to share it with someone.  Totally worth it though, right?   Anyways, to get the real plan going, you’re gonna need to leave the library and head down to the cafeteria.  (And don’t forget to bring this book with you!  I don’t wanna be stuck here!)

Oh, a quick word of advice: you probably shouldn’t tell anyone else my awesome joke, okay?  People might think you’re a weirdo.

So, what’s your name, kid?

Nah, don’t answer that.  I can’t hear you from inside the book.  I wanted to see if I could get you to blurt your name out like a crazy person as you walked down the hall.  Did it work?  Did I fool you?

You know what?  Don’t answer that one, either.  Still can’t hear you; still trapped in a book.  Man, can you imagine if you fell for that twice?

Hey, look!  There’s the cafeteria!  Now just open the door and walk on in.  Let’s get heisting!

Ooh, score!  They have spaghetti today!  That’s very important.  Besides, they always make the sauce with basil and fresh tomatoes (though for some reason they also put in brown sugar).

Okay, I can feel everything coming together.  Here we go:

Cordelia’s Amazing Real Heist Plan

Step One: Order the spaghetti.

Step Two: Grab a table.

Step Three: Hey, I just thought of another joke!  Why do firemen wear green suspenders?  Give up?  To keep a tiny part of their shoulders warm!

(Ugh, I got off track again, didn’t I?  Come on, Cordelia, get your head in the game!)

Step Three (for real this time): Pick up your bowl of spaghetti.  Hold it high, high up, directly over your head.

(Actually, for this next part to make sense, I gotta explain something.  In just a minute, we’re going to break into the teachers’ lounge.  That’s where the whole heist begins, see?  But students aren’t allowed in there.  If you look like a student and they see you, they’ll kick you out on the spot.  Got it?)

Step Four: Is the spaghetti over your head?  Good.  Flip the bowl.

Yup, you read that right.  Dump the spaghetti onto your head.

Come on, kid.  You’ve got this.  It’s for the mission, after all.  Nobody’s paying attention to you right now, so there’s nothing to worry about.  Besides, tomato sauce doesn’t stain, so your clothes will be just fine.

On the count of three.  One… two….  There you go!

Feels nice, right?  Warm?  Meaty?  A little oily?  Take a few seconds to savor the experience – feel it glop onto your shoulders and trickle down the back of your neck.  We’ll keep going once you’re ready.