“Dad? Baba?” I called into my parent's house, exhaustion deep in my chest.

“Caelan? Cae is that you?” Teodoro came running from somewhere, his deep brown curls bouncing, bits of gray mixed into them, “oh you’re finally home!”

“Hey Dad,” smiling, I hugged him gently after setting my suitcase on the floor, “sorry to crash here. I couldn’t rent the house I normally do.”

“Oh, you never have to worry about that. We’re your family. It just means you’re home.”

“Right.”

Teodoro led me to the living room where I found my other father Remington playing with my niece Cosette, the two of them smiling and bouncing a few dolls across the floor. Cosette had her back to me, too engrossed in the game to realize I was even there and I scooped her up, making Cosette scream before she realized it was me and gasped, hugging me around the neck.

“Uncle Cae!”

“Hi baby,” I laughed, kissing Cosette on her nose, “I missed you. You’ve gotten so big! Look at you.”

“Mhm,” she nodded as I set her back down on the floor, “I’m five now! Are you gonna be at Daddy and Papu’s wedding?”

“I will be yeah. That’s my plan anyway. It’s why I came later than usual. I didn’t… want to leave Indiana any longer than necessary.”

“Cae,” Teodoro sighed and I shrugged, grabbing my suitcase.

“Can I still use my old room or does that belong to someone again?”

“I made sure you were the only one in there.”

“Thanks. I’m exhausted so I might get some sleep. We can catch up in the morning. Where are Cruz and Cy?”

“Work for Cruz. Cyrus is out with his girlfriend.”

“Oh good for Cy. Okay. Night. Love you guys.”

“We love you,” Remington called softly and I nodded, heading down the hallway to my old bedroom and throwing myself onto the bed.

“I miss you,” I whispered, looking at my phone’s wallpaper. It was a picture that Delaney had taken of Alexander and me secretly. We were doing a bar crawl with Serena, and Alexander refused to have me far from him, his hand always linked with mine. The photo was of a moment where Alexander was leaning against the wall outside of the last bar we went to and I was standing in front of him, my arms around his neck as he gripped my hips. We hadn’t been talking about anything serious, just flirting and being silly but it meant a lot to me to know that she had taken the picture for us, “god I hate this.”

“Caelan?” Teodoro called softly from outside of the door, “Honey, can I talk to you for a second before you sleep? I know you’re exhausted but…”

“Sure. Go ahead,” setting my phone down on the bed, I sat up as Teodoro came into the room and took a spot next to me.

“You really don’t want to be here, do you?” he whispered, looking at the floor.

“I-it’s not that I…” I stumbled, trying to find the words to explain to him, “I love you guys. You know that. But it’s overwhelming for me to be here. Too much noise, too many people. It’s hard to be annoyed when it’s my family but I just… I want to be in my home with my cat. It’s my peaceful place. Even having someone new in my life, who comes over a few times a week, hasn’t taken my peace away. But as soon as I walked in here, it just… it reminds me of being a kid.”

“But I… Caelan, we thought we did our best with you 6. We really tried.”

“Mhm. I know.”

“So why do you… hate us so much?”

Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair, “I don’t hate you, Dad and I don’t feel that way about Baba either. But tell me, why is it that whenever Cassian or Cruz do anything, you guys celebrate it as if they’ve won a Nobel Peace Prize? If Cyrus or I do anything great we get nowhere near the same level of adoration from you guys. I’m a fucking doctor, Dad, and none of you seemed impressed because Cassian was already a dentist and Cruz had a baby. That was your priority. You didn’t come to see me graduate from Notre Dame. Neither did Baba. The only people there were Abba Hyacinth, Grandpa Lio, and Cyrus. They were the only ones who seemed proud. Cyrus always feels like the disappointment of the family and you do nothing, fucking nothing, to make it better for him!” I raised my voice, my true feelings starting to pour out and no matter what I did I couldn’t stop it, “you complain about how I never share what’s going on in my life. Why the fuck would I? You stopped caring as soon as Cruz was born. You threw all your love and attention onto him and kind of left the rest of us to fend for ourselves. You did this to me. You made me this way, where I don’t have anyone to share my true feelings or thoughts with! I am so cold because of you,” I spit out, getting to my feet and pacing the room, “I only ever wanted to hear you say one thing to me and mean it, Dad. But you never did. I just wanted you to tell me you were proud of me. It never happened. Not once.”

Teodoro was softly crying and I ignored him, leaning against the wall and sliding down, my head hanging between my knees. He cleared his throat to try and get my attention but I refused to look over, playing with the necklace Alexander had given me, the one he used to wear daily but now belonged to me. During our date for the one month we had been together he told me to hold onto it for the rest of my life or until I ended things with him.

“Caelan. I was always so proud of you,” Teodoro whispered, “I have never once meant to make it seem like I loved you or Cyrus any less than your siblings.”

“But you did. You always made me feel less important than Cash. Cyrus always felt like he was forgotten when Cruz was born. We just… felt alone. We had each other and that was it. He’s the only sibling that even calls me anymore. Cadence and Calliope depend on each other. Cash has Penny and Cruz is always so busy he never notices that we haven’t talked in months. He had Cyrus ask me to be a groomsman. Couldn’t bother to do it himself. I have no place here, Dad. I never really did. It’s no secret to me that I was a surprise. One you wanted, but still. I just… don’t want to be here. I want to go home and see Alexi and Hobbes.”

“Wh-who is Alexi?”

“The man I’m dating. I have been for two months now and I’m fucking stuck here with all of you, spending three weeks away from him. All to make you guys happy. Everything I do is just to make you happy. I want to be happy too. But I’m not. Not happy here like this. I love you, Dad. I always will. But… this isn’t my home anymore. You drove me out. If you can’t start showing Cyrus how truly proud you are of him, give him those fucking words you always give to Cruz, you’ll lose him too.”

“Caelan, don’t talk to your dad that way,” Remington came into the room and I glared at him.

“You didn’t help either, Baba. You were so focused on Cadie and Cash that it left the rest of us feeling alone. Cyrus looks just like you, he followed you everywhere when we were little, you are the person he wants to be, and still. He feels forgotten. I feel forgotten. Why the fuck did you two have six kids if you can’t manage it? If it meant that some of us felt lesser than the rest.”

“That’s… not true, Cae.”

“Yes it is and your hesitation tells me you understand where I’m coming from. You’d relate to it after all. Augustine always overshadowed you. You told me yourself that it felt like that. Then you turned around and did the same fucking thing to Cyrus and me. We weren’t born with a disability like Cash or Cadie. We don’t have the same skills in acting or performance as Callie. Neither of us had a kid as a teenager like Cruz. We were the two who didn’t need constant attention and care and so we got forgotten. But I needed my parents to look at me and see how much I was hurting and you couldn’t do it. I eventually just stopped sharing. It was easier not to. Cyrus is already drowning himself in alcohol to feel something and I doubt either of you realize that. He calls me drunk. A lot. But you’re so busy running around, taking care of things for Cruz, that you’re going to lose your son before you know it and I will never forgive you if something happens to Cyrus because you fail to notice how fucked up he is. It all comes back to this. To the fact that I’m in my late twenties and just now able to tell you that growing up was so hard. Sure we had everything we could ever need and our hobbies were allowed to be our priority outside of school. But I can count on one hand how many of my basketball games you guys came to. All because Cruz had a dance recital or Cash was doing something. It always came back to them. It always will.”

“So you… you’re telling me that we failed you?” Teodoro whispered and I finally looked at him before nodding slowly, “We…”

“I know Dad. You didn’t notice. It’s okay. I’m over it. I understand how hard it was to raise six of us. I let go of the anger a long time ago. It just sort of spilled out now. I want to be home. I’ll keep saying that the longer I’m here. I want to be home.”

Teodoro slowly joined me on the floor and I laid my head on top of his, finally letting tears out. He wrapped me in a soft hug and I gripped his arm, trying not to hurt him as I knew I was far stronger. Remington joined us and we sat there for a long time in silence, my chest heaving as I cried.

“I am so sorry,” Remington whispered, his voice thick with tears and I nodded, “We never meant to make you feel like this, Caelan. I was so happy when we found out you were going to be a thing. Another little person in our lives. Your dad was kind of mad, we had Irish twins after all and he didn’t want that but at the same time we were thrilled and waited forever for you to nearly make your way into the world in the front seat of our old minivan,” he laughed softly, trying to hide how upset he was, “and then the girls were born and I remember the look on your face. You seemed confused and scared. Then Cyrus came and at that point, you had accepted having more siblings. Cruz… Cruz made you happy. You poked him for a long time when he was finally able to come home. But I… I can see now what you mean. We forgot how much you had come to depend on our attention when you were little because we had babies to care for. But you were still our baby, even as you got older and we lost you in that. I am so sorry. We always have been and always will be immensely proud of you. I don’t want you to think coming back here is an obligation. You’re allowed to do what you want. You’re nearly thirty. If you want to be home, go back home. We won’t stop you. You aren’t required to be here with us. Just because we’re your parents, your family, doesn’t chain you to us for the rest of your life. So, tell me. What is your plan for the future?”

“I’m seeing a nice man named Alexander,” I started, my throat dry, “he’s from New Zealand. We’re both doctors. He works at Memorial Hospital as a hematologist. Mostly with leukemia and lymphoma patients. Laney introduced us, she rents a room from him. He’s taking care of my cat while I’m here. But I want to be home with them. He wanted to spend Christmas with me. Alexi is the entire reason I even came to Montana. He pushed me to be here with you guys and see Cruz get married. Even when he knew I was close to just staying there. He values family over everything and takes care of his parents and little brother back in Taupaki where they live. Sends them money so they can keep their dairy farm. He’s moving back there in a little under two years and I… I think I’m going to follow him. I’ve always wanted to move there, you know that. I just have a solid excuse now. A wonderful potential partner who I miss desperately.”

“Can we see him?” Teodoro whispered and I grabbed my phone off of the bed, finding a picture I took of Alexander at my house as he watched the sunset. He never realized I took it, his attention focused fully on the sunset and I adored the photo, looking at it when we weren’t together.

“Here. Alexander Bennett. He’s 29,” I handed Teodoro the phone and he smiled, showing Remington.

“He’s gorgeous, Cae.”

“I know,” I laughed softly, “he’s also funny, sweet, super flirty, and touchy. I like that about him. We hold hands all the time. He also likes hiking, camping, fishing, and rock climbing like I do. We plan to go a lot when the spring comes.”

“He balances you?” Remington rubbed my back and I nodded.

“Yes. Always. He also accepts my coldness when it slips out. Helps me to come back to being open and warm. He also understands my lack of communication when I’m busy. He never questions where I’ve been even though I explain where I was. He doesn’t mind.”

“Why didn’t you bring him?” Teodoro gave me my phone back and I shrugged.

“I don’t know. Guess I was worried about Hobbes and was grateful Alexi agreed to watch him for me. We’ve only been dating for two months, nothing official. Though we did agree to only date each other.”

“Sounds like you need to get on a plane back to Indiana and spend the holidays with your almost boyfriend. Then come back on January 8th to watch Cruz get married. We’ll pay for your tickets,” Remington jumped up and stared at him in surprise, “get your stuff together. I’ll drive you to the airport and return your rental car.”

“Baba…” I whispered and he kissed my forehead, staying there for a moment.

“No matter what, no matter who you are Caelan, you were always enough and exactly the son we wanted. I am so sorry we made you feel forgotten. We won’t be up your ass for information but I want you to know that you can share with us and we will always be happy for you. We’re also incredibly proud of you for everything you’ve achieved. Please remember why we couldn’t be at your graduation.”

“Papa Sebastian was incredibly sick and everyone was scared we’d lose him. I know. I’m not selfish enough to think that my graduation was more important than potentially losing my grandfather. I just… wanted one of you there. But I had family and it helped. I love you. I want you both to know how much I love and respect you. I will always be grateful to have you as parents. But I need you to try just a little more. To be here for me. Although, you’ve both taught me a valuable lesson.”

“What is it?” Teodoro smiled, making me laugh.

“I want to be a Dad at some point. But I’m only having one kid. I watched you two do your best with six. I can’t emotionally do that. I only have enough in me to be a good father to one kid.”

“Then do that and know we will love them no matter what,” he kissed my temple and I nodded, “Thank you, for telling us your true feelings. We’ll do our best to make sure you know how much we adore and love you, Caelan.”

“Thank you. That’s really all I ever wanted.”

“We know. Now, have Baba take you to the airport and get back to Alexi. I have to stay with Cozy or I’d go too. Bring him to the wedding if he feels up to that. If not, we still would like to meet him sometime next year.”

“I can do that. I want you to meet him too.”