"It's the hardest thing to give away

And the last thing on your mind today

It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel

When the pain they caused is just to real

It takes everything you have just to say the word...

Forgiveness..."

// Forgiveness //

// Mathew West //

// Jemma //

It's been three days since Bobbi Morse helped me escape Hydra. I've been a mole in the science department for months feeding Director Coulson information before I was outed by Raina. In the time I was a mole in Hydra I had to make friends, for my cover, to protect myself behind enemy lines. Before I went undercover I thought Hydra was evil. Their people cruel and vindictive. And Hydra is evil, but the people aren't. Most of them are just normal people with husbands, wives and children. I learned to live with them. I came to know and love each of them. I drank tea with Doris, I talked politics with Carter and I laughed with Turgeon. I shut my eyes tightly in pain, in shame. I let him die. His wife is now a widow, his three daughters fatherless. I understand him now. I understand. For the first time since that day, the day my whole world crumbled, I let myself consider that maybe it wasn't all a lie. Maybe he really did fall in love with Daisy. Maybe he really did care for me, for all of us. Maybe most of it was real.  Maybe he really did do the best he could to save us that day. That brings us to today, the first day I've been to Vault D to see him. I walk down the steps to sit in the metal chair in front of his cell. He stops doing push-ups to stand and look at me.

"Are you here to kill me Simmons?"

I don't answer I just stare, tracing his face with my eyes wondering if I'm ready, if I can really believe anything he says.

"Simmons?"

I remain quiet as my mind whirls back and forth with shoulds and should nots. I know what I'm supposed to do. I know what everyone expects of me, but the truth, the truth that I've kept hidden even from myself is that I miss him. Fitz is... Broken. I make him worse and I don't love him the way he wants me to. Daisy is so busy rising through the ranks of S.H.I.E.L.D. and leading her own team of Inhumans that she's forgotten me. No one sees me. For the first time in my life I'm wholly and completely invisible. My friends are so busy fixing themselves that it's just easier not to see through my fake smiles. Sometimes, I just want to scream that I'm here too. I'm hurting too. For all of his many flaws, Grant Ward never made me feel like I was invisible.

"Jemma."

My eyes snap up to meet his at the sound of my first name on his lips. I didn't know that he knew it. It's amazing how even being a criminal and a murderer and locked in a bloody cage, he sees me. He knows that something is wrong. How funny, that the only person concerned about me is locked in a cage for treason and murder. Bloody hell, I could cry because he is the only one that noticed.

"Yes?"

Ward almost looks worried about me. If he wasn't such a good liar I'd believe that he's genuinely alarmed by my new-found silence.

"What happened?"

I smile sadly and walk up to the invisible walls in his cell and press my hand to it. Before I even realize what's happening my mouth opens and I'm telling him everything. Everything I wanted to tell someone, anyone that would care enough to ask. What a fucking joke that it's Grant Ward, of all people, that asks. That cares enough to notice that I'm not okay.

"Coulson sent me undercover in Hydra."

He laughs and shakes his head muttering something about how even Coulson isn't that stupid. That right there speaks volumes. The man that betrayed the team, the man that hates Phil Coulson with a fiery passion, doesn't believe he could ever trade my life away so carelessly. The pain in my eyes and the way my steady hands shake cause him to stop laughing and pay attention to what I'm telling him.

"It's true. The things I've had to do, the person I've had to become... I understand you now. I had to let a man die to protect my cover. A man I considered my friend. I had to become you and I don't understand how it hasn't torn you apart. He may not have been innocent, but he was a good man. H-he had a wife and three daughters. I just let him die."

I drop my eyes from his dark gaze to my hands twisting nervously, full of grief and regret and shame.

"You told me once that you thought that metal box would float. I didn't believe it then, but... I'd like to now.  And-and I forgive you. For all of it."

His face changes from amused disbelief to rage. Pure unadulterated rage almost like the rage of the Berserker staff.

"What. The. Fuck. You can't lie! He should know better! You could've died or been brainwashed..."

Suddenly, he stops shouting. I watch as it sinks in that he's being forgiven and his gaze softens. Clearly shoving his anger away for the time being.

"Thank you. I am sorry. I'm sorry for any pain I've caused you. You always were the best part of my time here."

He holds up a hand to the force field, pressing a strong hand to the invisible wall. Rage quickly rushes back in as he thinks about all the things that could've gone wrong. All the violent people and protocols put in place for a mole.

"Did they hurt you? If anyone laid a finger on you I swear to fucking God that I'll kill them."

I watch his face and his body language. If this is a play of some sort it's a damn good one. I walk up to the wall between us and press my hand flat against it and wait for him to calm down just like I used to before the uprising. Back when I still burned for him and it wasn't wrong. When he was the guy that jumped out of a plane to save me.

"I asked to go. Fitz has brain damage and I... I make him worse. Daisy has her own team now and I was alone. I needed to escape at least for a little while. I knew Coulson couldn't say no, we're quite understaffed at the moment. He was thrilled that I volunteered."

I sigh as I remember that day, all the looks, the way Coulson didn't even try to talk me out of it. He had simply smiled and got May to teach me basic self defense.

"After being in your shoes, I think I understand you a bit better. You lied to us and betrayed us, but not everything was a lie, was it? You still love us, don't you?"

Grant presses his own hand against where mine is resting. I look into his eyes and his body slowly relaxes. He's still angry, but he's pushed it to the back of his mind so he can focus on me. I wish I could say that I hate the way his eyes on me still thrills me.

"I still care about you.  Fitz was never my favorite person, but I respected his intelligence and loyalty to a woman he could never hope to have. Skye-Daisy, whatever the fuck she calls herself now, was an obsession, what I thought I could have. I never really loved her. May was just a mark and Coulson, well, I certainly wouldn't be shedding any tears for him. I am sorry, for the pod. I never meant to hurt you. I thought it was better than putting a bullet in your head like John wanted me to do. It was supposed to float."

I watch his eyes and see the desperate sincerity, the disdain for Coulson, and the affection for me.

"Would you like some company?"

Grant's eyes widen in surprise before I rush to explain that I'm not letting him out.  I'm simply coming in. I just need some human connection because I feel like I'm still drowning with no one there to save me. He backs up a few feet to give me some room to enter. I let out a breath of relief before grabbing the tablet and unlocking a small section in the wall for me to walk through. After I'm inside I swipe my delicate fingers across the tablet to close up the wall. In seconds he's on me, tossing the tablet in my hands onto a bolted down metal table before scooping me up into his arms. I squeal and try to struggle, but Grant is so fit that it barely affects him as he carries me to his bed and deposits me in his lap when he sits down.

"Are you hurt?"

I shake my head and for the first time in my life I'm speechless. I just watch helplessly as he settles me against him.

"Good. Thank you for forgiving me and giving me a second chance. I think it's time for me to be honest with you. I'm not going to stay here as S.H.I.E.L.D.'s little pet monster. The only man I've ever been loyal to is dead and all I have left of him is Hydra. I'm going to escape this little prison and I'm going to take over. There will be only one head of Hydra and that's going to be me. I'd like to take you with me Jemma. No one will ever hurt you or discard you again. You can do all the white hat science you like or not. I don't really care. I just want you with me when I go."

I stare at him wide-eyed in shock. I'm not surprised that he wants to escape, I'm not even that surprised that he wants to revamp Hydra. I am surprised that he wants to take me with him.

"Why?"

His perceptive eyes lock on mine, knowing exactly what I'm asking without needing me to elaborate. His arms tighten around my body before he answers.

"I always liked you. Even when I was pretending to be a stiff fucking boy scout and I hated every fucking minute of it. You bounced right up to me in that little pink shirt all sunshine and confidence even though I'm more than twice your size. You've never backed down from me and you're so good and goddamn brave. You are the only person I never hurt, the only one I promised myself I'd never damage. Because even as damaged and fucking evil as I am, I would have killed John to save you. When you were dying, when you jumped out of that plane... I lost my shit. And when I got you safely back inside, it took everything in me not to throw you over my shoulder and chain you to my bed so you could never do that shit again. You soothe me and fucking terrify me."

I feel my heart soften towards him as Grant Ward admits of his own free will that I'm his weakness, that he cares for me. He wants to take me not Daisy away from here to this new place he's going to build. I think part of him needed my forgiveness and now that he has it... Grant doesn't want to leave without me. As much as I desperately want that, as much as I still want him, I don't know if I can go back to Hydra. I need time to think.

"I-I need time. This is a big decision and I would be saying goodbye to everyone that loves me. They would hate me. I don't know. I just don't know what I want to do."

Grant watches me stumble over my words. He slowly moves his left hand in calming circles over my lower back while his right hand moves lower to grip my thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze before moving his hand back up to grip my hip.

"I can give you a little time. You have three days. When you say yes, because you will. I know you want me. You need to be aware that I'm a bad man, a territorial and possessive man. The second you say yes to me you belong to me, you are mine. That means I will be the only man in your life that gets to touch you. You will sleep in my bed even if we're not fucking. I don't believe in non-consensual sex so I won't ever force you to do that with me, but in every other aspect you will be mine. You need to understand that and be able to live with that."

A part of me thrums with excitement at belonging to someone, at being wanted so much that someone would kill to keep me and from the look on his face Grant won't hesitate to kill anyone that touches what's his. On the other hand, I need to be sure because he won't just let me change my mind. And he won't change his mind either, once Grant Douglas Ward commits to something so or someone, it's for life. My forehead wrinkles with worry and elation as I try to come up with all the pros and cons that will be the inevitable fall out.

"Hey, hey, Jemma. Let's not think about it tonight, alright? You have three days to think about it. Tonight, just lay with me. I haven't been able to be near another person in months. Let's just go to sleep, okay?"

I sigh knowing he's right. I am desperate for a good night's sleep. I can feel my eyelids drooping. I nod my acceptance sleepily. Grant gets off the bed with me still in his arms, quickly pulling the covers down with one hand before tucking us both into bed. He's laying flat on the bed with me pretty much sprawled on top of him with my head on his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around me. The last thought I have before slipping into a peaceful slumber is that he hasn't let go of me since I walked into his cell.