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Chapter 20

The Craving

8:00 p.m.

Ezekiel trudged into his apartment and slumped into one of the recliners near the fireplace. He unbuttoned his suit jacket and took a deep breath, only to remember that for vampires, not breathing was far more effective at calming one’s nerves. So he stilled his lungs.

Part of him was sad to see Angela and Corin depart that evening, but he’d also been relieved to not have to repress his instincts any longer. He did manage to rein in his feelings throughout the meeting, except for his initial outburst when he snarled at Angela and Corin like a wild animal. As soon as he realized it was his friends who’d surprised him, he subjugated his emotions, burying his desires as deep down as possible so Angela wouldn’t detect his yearning with her empathy.

She smelled so sweet.

“Don’t think that way, you sick creature,” Ezekiel snapped at himself. He needed to get his mind off Angela’s delectable aroma. He got up, turned on the antique radio, and paced the room, trying and failing to focus on the jazz music playing on his favorite station.

It had been five weeks since he’d last tasted human blood, and his cravings were mounting with each passing day. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t gone this long without feeding before, but this was different. In the past, not feeding resulted in lethargy as his body began to show the early signs of vampiric quiescence. In those past incidents, Ezekiel thirsted for human blood, but he was weaker. This time, Ezekiel thirsted for human blood, but he was strong thanks to the blood of those coyotes and the full moon’s light. Bloodthirsty, and still strong? Didn’t this make him more dangerous than if he’d simply starved himself? He could quell the craving if he focused hard enough, like he did during Angela’s lesson earlier that night, but when he relaxed as he did now, his body pulsed with murderous yearning.

“I can overcome this,” Ezekiel murmured, still pacing the room and massaging his temples. Since the cravings intensified, he found that pacing and talking to himself helped keep his rational thoughts at the forefront of his mind and regulate his impulses, though he imagined he looked certifiable at the moment. “I just need to endure the hunger until I acclimate to this new diet.”

But what if I don’t acclimate? Ezekiel thought. Corin warned me the craving might never go away. Am I supposed to tolerate this unfulfilled thirst indefinitely?

“Yes,” Ezekiel answered, pretending that his thoughts were a separate being to argue with. “I can tolerate this thirst. I’ll tolerate it for eternity if I have to. I won’t revert to the way I was before. I’ll never feed on humans again.”

I’ve never fed on innocent humans, his intrusive thoughts replied. Was the way I subsisted before really that terrible? I always directed my murderous urges toward the scum of society. I was making the world safer.

“I didn’t kill those people to make the world safer,” Ezekiel growled, becoming angry with his own mind’s excuses. “I killed those people because I enjoyed it. I don’t want to be someone who enjoys hurting others anymore. How many times have I almost given up on only feeding on villains and nearly fed on an innocent person? Besides, I promised Angela and Corin I would never harm another human ever again.”

They wouldn’t have to know.

Ezekiel halted his pacing. He knew he should shoot that thought down, but he didn’t want to. “May … maybe I could …”

Maybe I could feed on just one more human. Just for tonight. What’s one more murderer off the streets? The night is young. If I take flight right now, I should find a degenerate to feast upon within the next couple hours.

Ezekiel took a step toward the balcony doors, stopped, took two more steps, then stopped again. “For the first time in nearly a century, I have people in my life who I don’t have to lie to. I don’t want to deceive Angela and Corin.”

It would just be one lie, and then afterward, I can truly commit to never feeding on humans ever again.

Ezekiel took another step toward the balcony, then rubbed his face and turned away from the doors. “No, it wouldn’t be just one more.” He returned to his chair. “If I don’t commit now, I’ll keep lapsing—keep killing.”

But I can’t resist the thirst forever.

“I have to.” Ezekiel cradled his head between his hands. “I can’t go back to how I was before. I have to resist this. I have to.”

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